Building a Successful Relationship

I think its important to remember that a relationship needs to be mutually desired and worked at in order to succeed. Mutually, is the key. Someone may not come into it for a relationship, but for information or to get a point across, for example. Some may deep down really want a relationship, but are incapable of approaching it or working on it in a healthy way until they delve into and work through certain issues on their own, first. Honesty, sensitivity towards the other, and acceptance of boundaries are all an important part of this also.

Merrill, I agree with your thoughts as I have seen this in my own b family. I'm the youngest of nine and after forty years being seperated there are some bsiblings for instance that are just not able or interested in forming a relationship. I accept that and put my energy into the ones that are open to it!Rose

I guess what I am trying to say, how do we begin a friendship? I know I went into my relationship with my daughter all wrong. We each had different expectations which caused us to both fail. I thought she wanted me to be a Mom and I guess she thought I wanted her to be a daughter. I felt too much pressure and I heard she felt the same way. So, if I get the opportunity to try again...I don't want any titles. I want to go into the relationship expecting nothing but respect for one another. But considering our failed past, I am sure you can understand the difficulties I face in what efforts to I put forth.

Mamabee... This is such a HARD one!!! I think it is a fear of both the adoptee, and the bparent. Know one knows how to act at all!!!! Both parties are trying to act the way they feel they should. I still, after three years of being in an on again off again reunion think that it is best to just be there for one another. No name titles necessary!! A relationship based on a friendship is a great way to start. I know this is a lot easier said than done as these are our "babies". One small step at a time...In time hopefully the relationship will progress into one where both parties are comfortable!! Staci :D

Mamabee this is just a suggestion, but how about starting out really simply with a "Thinking of You" card. It leaves the door open, and maybe with that, the hope of a better kind of resolution in the relationship than what you had before, for sometime in the future. Again that desire would have to be mutual and when she is ready, but a card once in a while is something to keep the door open.

I reunited with my bdaughter 4 years ago. Although the relationship is good now, that first year was really tough for me. My daughter wasn't sure how she felt about proceeding. (She told me this had nothing to do with me personally. However, it was difficult not to take it personally.) The only means of communication I had was e-mail. Sometimes it was weeks or months before she answered mine. Any way, my advice is to take things slowly. It was really the best. I also let my daughter determine the pace. This was difficult, but the right thing to do. We are very different people. However, we dwell on the things we have in common. Good luck!

SSpeteWell said!!! Kudos! and Cheers!! Lisasue

Hi mamabee, I would do the "Thinking of you" card...it keeps that door open...and then let your daughter set the pace (yes, tough as it sounds). And when you are finally able to communicate again, try setting boundaries early - don't be afraid to be honest about what your "ideal" is and be ready to hear it from her - and find a way to have a happy medium somewhere. Your daughter may have wants and needs that she is afraid to communicate for fear you don't feel the same way (and vice-versa!) The two of you may be in tune more than you think. Anyway, I can imagine this is rough. I wish you the best :)