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I hate feeling depressed and I will go to great lengths to avoid admitting it when I'm feeling down. I have a huge fear of getting sucked back into a major depressive episode. I'm scared of feeling that hopelessness again.
I actually skipped my counseling appointment yesterday because I was feeling depressed and didn't want to acknowledge it. I know that's counterproductive. I'm mad at myself for not going. Plus I work in social services and make home visits to families and I hate it when they skip their appointments. So on top of feeling depressed, I feel like a heel for no-showing.
I had a great phone call with my daughter's amom a couple of weeks ago and I felt very upbeat until a few days ago. I'm not sure what brought me down, but Mother's Day is heavily on my mind. Last year was my first Mother's Day and it didn't bother me as much because I still felt numb. I went through a period when I hardly felt anything, happy or unhappy. I just existed. I started therapy last November and started to feel again. Now the only bad part is that I am able to feel depressed.
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So sorry you are feeling down, Tam.
I know that Mother's Day is very hard for a lot of first mothers. Hoping for some other first moms here to share with you and I hope too, that you keep talking.
((HUGS))
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teaspoon
I hate feeling depressed and I will go to great lengths to avoid admitting it when I'm feeling down. I have a huge fear of getting sucked back into a major depressive episode. I'm scared of feeling that hopelessness again.
Hugs, Tam.
You are not alone -- I had a pretty big crash and burn about nine months after my bson was born, before that, I was numb too. And it scares to me think of getting that way again.
But Mother's Day is huge so I think it's normal to not be feeling good around that time. But, you are wise to pay attention to the warning signs. I hope you can reschedule your counseling appointment. Sometimes I don't want to go because I think OK, we're not saying anything new here, but I always, ALWAYS walk out feeling a little better.
Anyway, I am sorry that you're down. I know how lonely a place that can be, as I'm sure many of the birthmothers do. You are not alone.
Hugs,
Lucy
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Tam,
(((Hugs))) it is hard at times going through what we do yet having to carry on with everyday life as normal.
Pip :wings:
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Thanks for you responses crick, Lucy, and Pip. I did get in touch with my therapist today and have an appointment for Monday.
I have been puzzled about why I am feeling depression now, almost 15 months after the adoption and why I didn't feel it immediately after. Then I was reading an entry in Jenna's firstmother blog where she talks about the stages of grief and suddenly it hit me...."oh, okay, I'm in the depression stage of grief. DUH!"
So now I'm feeling a bit kinder to myself, knowing that while I feel like crap, at least I'm progressing through this grief.
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teaspoon
I have been puzzled about why I am feeling depression now, almost 15 months after the adoption and why I didn't feel it immediately after. Then I was reading an entry in Jenna's firstmother blog where she talks about the stages of grief and suddenly it hit me...."oh, okay, I'm in the depression stage of grief. DUH!"
So now I'm feeling a bit kinder to myself, knowing that while I feel like crap, at least I'm progressing through this grief.
For me adoption grief is cyclical. I'll go through all the phases and then start all over again. It just isn't a linear thing for most people that lose a child to adoption and I happen to be one of those people. If you experience one of the stages of grief again, don't be surprised. Or even if you go back to the beginning and have to work through them all over again, don't be surprised. Adoption grief is also open ended. It is different than a death.
Depression is a scary thing... talk with your therapist and work through your issues. I don't like admitting when I am depressed either. But I have to admit it now so I can get my mental ilness (bipolar II) treated.
Hang in there. There are times of the year that are harder and some that are easier. It ebbs and flows.
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firstparentblog
For me adoption grief is cyclical. I'll go through all the phases and then start all over again. It just isn't a linear thing for most people that lose a child to adoption and I happen to be one of those people. If you experience one of the stages of grief again, don't be surprised. Or even if you go back to the beginning and have to work through them all over again, don't be surprised. Adoption grief is also open ended. It is different than a death.
Thanks for sharing that insight, Maja. I will defnitely keep it in mind.
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Yep, gotta agree about adoption grief. Coming up to my son's 25 birthday (August), dealing with relinquishment, reunion and now pull back it still hits me between the eyes usually when I least expect it :rolleyes: .
Pip :wings:
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Tam...You are experiencing what all bmoms feel at some time or other in their life....I never felt depressed for many years because I kept telling myself I did the right thing and she will have a wonderful life...why regret this?
But after reunion, all the phases came toppling down on me with a vengence...you do have to experience each stage and sometimes you will go back through them again...deal with each stage...do not go into denial....face your fears.....cry when you feel the need to cry and hit or break something (not yours of course) when you feel you are about to explode.
What I have learned more from my therapist is you have to talk about what you are feeling....it is the only way to heal...now with my family and friends you are not always going to feel comfortable talking about these issues....but come here...we are here...and we will help all we can.
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mamabee
Tam...You are experiencing what all bmoms feel at some time or other in their life....I never felt depressed for many years because I kept telling myself I did the right thing and she will have a wonderful life...why regret this?
That is exactly what I've been feeling. Thanks for putting it into words for me.
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Tam,
I'm glad to hear that you have made an appointment with the therapist.
I have found that depression can control your life, but by going to therapy and working out the issues, I now have the control back once again. For how long, WHO knows! Only time will tell.
Take care,
Barb
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