integration of self along post-adoption journey

Hi Ripples! What I hadn't expected in reunion was how much of a journey of finding myself part of it was. Understanding my feelings, emotions, some buried so deeply I had only caught glimpses of them before. I have learned that I can love unconditionally. I have learned that I was lucky to have the life I have and unlucky to not have grown up with my birth family. And I do feel different about myself. I feel a calmness because most of my search is over. Most of the mystery is solved. It has taken a long while to "integrate" my feelings and thoughts. First you experience and then the feelings hit like a punch in the stomach and after much thought it resolves. I am glad you are reaching your own resolutions in your journey. Snuffie

Thanks, Snuffie! You spoke about your journey so clearly and I hope I'll be able to somehow follow in similar footsteps. Right now I'm still going to and fro between the 'first you experience and then the feelings hit like a punch in the stomach'. I pray and look forward to somehow finding that calmness and ability to love unconditionally. Thank-you for providing hope in what's still a very dark and rocky journey. I feel like I'm the only one in a crappy discotheque where the place is filled with smoke, the blaring music keeps changing, the floors keep tilting and the disco glitterball keeps blinding me and I'm just plain tired from trying to stand up. Where the heck is the bathroom?? ;-)

Hi Ripples! Am laughing about the discotheque! I hadn't thought about glitter balls for a long time:) Thank you for your kind words! You will find the "bathroom" eventually. Maybe taking a breather "outside" for a little while to catch your breath might help. Then you can go back in and dance again. When you think about it, we haven't been with our birth families for most of our lives. There's a lot of learning to do - some good, some bad. But I guess that is life whether we are adopted or not. It does take a lot of time to find the serene part of the journey that comes with acceptance not only of our own feelings but of feelings for others. But you will get there. A big hug for you!! Snuffie

Thanks, Snuffie! I guess I'll bump into a lotta other adoptees at this discotheque in the search for the bathroom. Guess we're all somehow "Stayin' Alive" (corny 70's reference - I'm showing my age!).

ripples and snuffie.........I can relate to your feelings...I've been reunited with my bmom, bsibs, and extended bfamily now for almost 5 years.. I've met my bdad and fully realize now why my bmom didn't pursue marrying him to "give me a name" and why she felt she had to choose adoption for me. I think with that realization I was finally able to accept that I WAS where I was supposed to be.....I WAS supposed to be my afather's daughter... and I wouldn't have traded that to have grown up with my bmom. That gave me an inner peace that I had never really felt before. My baby bbrother has always said that "things happen for a reason"... and I'm beginning to embrace that thinking myself... good luck to you both in your journeys... sal

Hi ripples, I am shefalie.....ive not long been trying to sort through this myriad of emotions that i have stuffed for so long, until i never knew any existed. I had not idea that searching would be so hard...I had no idea about the consequences upon each member of the triad...in fact....I entered into reunion...clueless....and non aware. I have now woken up..and begun the long journey of facing realtity within and without..... you ask:1. What have you learned about yourself from your journey so far? 2. Do you feel different about yourself, and if so, how? 3. Do you feel that you've been able to somehow 'integrate' your feelings/thoughts/experiences, and if so, how? I have learned that I am not as self resourceful as I thought. I have learned that my coping mechanisms may have worked but are not healthy for good working realtionships. I have learned that I am not to blame. Actaully there is no blame. I have learned I have feelings and they need tobe heard by others and by me. I have learned compassion for others and am now in the process of learning to be more compassioante upon myself. I have learned that the crying does not go on forever, and pain will not kill me. I have learned that pain is inevitable in life, but misery is optional. I have learnt to ask for help I have learnt that my bmother has feelings too. I am learning to stabalize my emotions and not let them control me by stuffing and bein gin denial. do I feel different about myself...yes.....I am learning that I am of value and worth, and I am more tahn the product of my conception. I can see taht I am more than the sum of my parents genes. I am more than the label of adotpion. I am learning to embrace my bi-racial heritage, and that I am some one unique and made in Gods image. I am learning to integrate a little bit. I can see that the bitterness/anger/resentment about my past has softened, and in its place I can see more realistically. That though my beginnings and being in an orpahange and foster home for so long, i would rather not have had those things...I am learning that those experiences have all made and shaped me to who I am today....nothing can change what has happened...and I really donthave to be a victim all my life. That I have strengths and weakness.....that life is made up of all sorts of things......that I amnot bad or good, that im not balck or white....that I am who I am with allthe complexities taht life has given to me....and integrating them is a life long task. With help and cousnelling and i am learning to pull some of the threads together and be more emotioanl stable than I have ever been. shefalie

Shefalie,What you wrote is so truly inspiring in its courage, honesty and moving!!!! I do hope that eventually I'll be able to reach similar learnings. Big hugs!Ripples

Can you tell me how you feel? My birth daughter and I just met and I would like some insight into what she must be feeling. I'd appreciate it. I know that no two people are the same, but, perhaps some of the feelings are?

dmca...r u asking ripples that question or the others? what was it like for you to meet her and hwo do you think she was feeling? for me meeting my bmother was scary.....yet so exciting. here i was going to meet the one woman I have dreamed of, fantasised about meeting...the only real expecation was that she would love me and wanted me......wasnt exactly the outcome. I felt uncertain..this woman was a stranger in reality. I had no awarness of reunion issues at all. but it was so good to meet her. to touch her, to feel her skin again....to hear her voice.....to be near her. To look her in the eyes. To let her tell me her story... after i left...i wanted to be in constant contact. I thought about her all the time. I needed to be with her, but it was not possible. I felt i didnt know wher any boundaries were, and wanted to ask her loads of quesitons. Yes I wanted my questions answered in case she changed her mind and wouldnt see me or disappeared again. The worst thing was for he to do that. To not like me, to not want me, to be disappointed with me. Taht i would look like him..which i do. shef