Is our bmom adjusting?

WOW this is a hard one for she still seems like it just happened yesterday. I can understand where she is coming from though.I am a reunited adoptee and my bmom stated that she thought about me every single day wondering if she had passed me in the street. She does not have sny typeof problems now. She was 14 when she had me so I guess it depends on bmom state of mind when she gave the child up. Was your bmom young???? By the way good call on having her remove those pictures that is not her choice anymore she gave up that right. Do you regret having an open adoption?? Do you wish it was closed???

As you can't post others' words without their permission and it has been edited, I don't know what was said. But I know, personally, as a firstmom, my wounds from the placement are still as raw as yesterday and this was also two and a half years ago. Adjustment looks different for every firstmom. There is no moving on like the agencies tell all of us; it's an every day, in and out thing that we live with no matter if our adoptions are opened or closed.

Dad, as stated previously we have no idea what was posted on her blog, however you said it was similiar to the letter that she wrote to your child 2 and half years ago, Sounds to me like she is trying to work through her issues. I know for some, writing helps! As for attachment issues, she did attach herself for 9 months to the baby and it is very hard to move on. It has been almost 16 years since I placed and there are still days people might think I have "attachment" issues:rolleyes: How open is your adoption?Good luck!

Sorry about not knowing about the posting of others blogs. In brief her pre-mothers day blogs says that she misses our daughter and all of the things that are happening when she is growing up. She also says that we are great parents and that the visits that happen once a month for only a hour is not enough. She knows that she was unable to be there as a mother to our daughter. There is more and I don't think I got the tone right, but I think this was more of an open letter to us and our 2 1/2 year old. She also called us on Mothers-day at 9 am. The phone conversation was a little wierd. So we checked her web page and found her blog. We hope that she was only having a bad week, but this is tough for my wife. We signed up for the open adoption and liked the possible benifits of it. We thought that since she was 21 when our daughter was born that she would be able to handle this. I know that it will be a life long challenge, but will there be a time that it will be a good thing.

I would be more worried if she DIDN'T miss all of the things she gets to do as she grows up. Missing those things shows the heart of a Mother, which she is. As for your age comment, you're totally off base on that assumption, I'm sorry to say. I don't know what lead you to think that at all. In fact, in my opinion, the older you are when you place, the harder it becomes because, as you mature, you realize the things that you are missing, the things that you could have been participating in had you been ready to or been encouraged to parent. The average age for a firstparent at placement is somewhere around the early twenties. Age has nothing to do with emotional readiness reagarding post-placement issues.

I know it is best for our daughter that her bmom is there for her. And we came upon her blog only because we were concerned after her phone call. I just wanted to know that it was normal for her to be feeling this way and not to have moved to a place that is good for her, and apparently she is. We have not regretted having an extremley open adoption. But it is tough sometimes when she asks if she can baby-sit or take her swimming. We have said no to these requests and we feel she stills wants more contact. Almost like she would want to see her every weekend. We are a family and we are doing family things: tumbling classes, swimming classes, and vacations to Disney World. We don't see my family as much as we see her. My wife thinks that she is not moving on in her life ie: school, living with her parents, and not doing what others are doing. I think she is making some steps forward, but they are not as fast as we would like. I know she is not us and she is her own person. But is there a happy place where our relationship is more natural feeling?

There is no "moving on." Her life is forever changed by the birth and placement of her child. Agencies and a lot of other adoption propaganda unfortunately lead both potential adoptive families and expectant mothers considering adoption into thinking that once the physical placement is over, life is hunky dory for both sides. It is not. If you aren't willing to be seeing her every weekend, simply say that at this time (especially because it's summer and life IS busier in the summer for MANY families) that you'd prefer to see her on set dates. In our adoption, we see each other four times per year, which is, basically, once per season. Set boundaries but, from everything you've stated, she isn't being overly needy... she's simply acting like a normal firstparent. Explain that you need some alone time as a family but that she is still going to be a part of your life and your child's life. Boundaries are important but so is maintaining contact. Find a healthy balance for your family but realize, at the same time, that your child's birthmom is NOT acting in an unhealthy manner.

Thank you for helping me understand what might be going through her heart and mind. I know that it has been a life changing decision for her that she lives with everyday. It is also one that we made. Please don't think that it is easy for aparents. It is something that is always discussed between us. But let me just say: I would not change a single thing. I am just a guy, I don't like drama. But I am in a house of women, so I will have to live with it. But let me just say one more time: I would not change a single thing. I have the best life.

I'm not sure what you mean regarding your snide comment of women and drama. And I don't think anyone here would say that it is easy for the adoptive parents, either, or these forums wouldn't exist. ;) And, at the same time, I'm not sure what you mean that "it" is something that is always discussed between you. Adoption? (Prounouns. Antecedent.) I'm not sure why it needs to be "always" discussed between you. (You who? You and child? You and wife?) While adoption is a HUGE part of our life, even D (amom) and I don't talk about adoption ALL of the time. Mostly we talk about American Idol, our weird husbands and chocolate. ;) You know. Because we're dramatic!

Our situation is a little bit different. We have a relative adoption, although it is the birthfather who is the relative, not the birthmother. Anyway, the birthfather sees our son quite often and also babysits. He respects us as his parents. He is still a teen and does teen stuff. The birthmother lives just a mile from us, but doesn't visit very often at all (although has babysat on occasion). I don't know her reasons for not visiting much (she has not shared them, but my assumption is that she still has trouble adjusting). She will visit and then make arrangements to visit in a week or two (not make the visit) and then we won't hear from her for two to three months. We're giving her the space she needs and not pushing the issue. The strange thing is, when our son was only a few months old, we had some very major boundary issues (if interested you can check previous posts), but now ithe pendulum has swung in the opposite direction with her distancing herself (and us wishing she wouldn't). We have known her for years (prior to her becoming pregnant). Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that each person adjusts differently. Being the child's birthmother didn't preclude us from having her babysit our son. I would have her babysit if she wasn't his birthmother so I wouldn't want to not have her babysit just because she is his birthmother. And same goes for the birthfather, he is our nephew, and if our son was our biological child, we would have him babysit as well. Questions you could ask yourself -- what criteria do you have for a babysitter? Family? Friend? Acquaintance who is good with children? I don't know what your criteria, but does she fit into these? Everyone's version of open is quite different,as I gather from these boards, which have been a tremendous help to me in the past, especially the first few months we had our son and were all adjusting. I'm sure someone on this board can give you the insight you're looking for. BTW, our son is now almost two years old.

When people speak of "adjusting" everyone has their our ideas about what should be happening. What is adjusting? As a bmom I can only give my opinion. My bdaughters adoption was 22 years ago when I was 15 and though I was told by many people I would just "move on" I have found my own meaning in that as well. In the last 22 years I have(not necessarily in this order)finished high school,gotten a degree or two, married, divorced, re-married, had 3 more beautiful children I have raised, started my own business, laughed,cried, lived. This may to some people sound like adjustment but what if I add the parts where sometimes I cry in frustration because I may never see my daughter or be a part of her life, or all the times I have been jerked from sleep by nightmares that someone is trying to take my other children from me. What if I told you that I have written a letter to my bdaughter on her birthday every year and sometimes I wonder what her favorite color is or if she daydreams alot. Maybe then you would say I have not "adjusted" Each one of us is shaped by adoption in some way. It's mark is forever imprinted on our souls, and we live each day trying to meet the image that others expect of us. We also have our private world and to read someones blog is to step into that persons private world. That is something that should only be done with a non-judgemental open mind. I think that open adoptions are good and I wish I would have had that option, but maybe aparents and bparents are not always ready for the depth of emotion they are now expected to handle from one another. As for myself, have I "adjusted", I don't know. Maybe you can tell me. Maybe I have just survived. Kitti