How Would You React?

Semantics. It is a constant that biology connects us through DNA, but that is not the connection I am referring to. Interpersonal relationships, IMO, are a bit more of the variable. Speaking strictly for myself, I require more than a blood link to build a relationship on. There are members of my immediate biological family who I can't stand to be in the room with for more than 2 minutes. OTOH, there are people I have zero-percent of common DNA with who I just can't get enough of. Of course. Maybe; however, I can't speak for anyone but myself. After all the years I have been stompin' round this earth, I am fairly certain I know my story...and since it is mine, there is only ONE side to it....my side. Hmmm...I'm confused. Is "respect" reserved only for the adoptees in these situations? IMO, there is no need to "twist" anything. Once again I am speaking from ONE PERSON'S perspective, and from my angle, whether it is a biological parent, adoptive parent or adopted person, each is entitled to the same courtesy of respect. Are you saying that if an adoptee chooses to scalp a bparent's privacy by outing them to others that it is acceptable? I don't understand that. I relinquished a child to a loving, stable family who could provide her with the things I was unable to at that time. I did not leave her on a bus bench or in a bathroom. I did not sell her to the highest bidder. While I regret that I was unable to parent her, I harbor no guilt for the decision I made and I refuse to accept any vilification for my choice. Should we ever become an active part of each other's lives, it will have to be as equals...two relative strangers, adults...who work together to explore interests and build a relationship on mutual respect. Never would I expect her to carry my emotional baggage, not would I allow myself to be treated in a manner I would not treat her. IMO, a healthy relationship has boundaries...on both sides. In my case, calling my mother (my father is dead) would be a non-issue because if Jennifer (my bdaughter) chose to contact me, I would be on the phone with my mother straight away...but that is the relationship we have. Being that Jennifer knows how to contact me, I would expect her to confer with me if she wanted to call. Going straight to my (aged) mother would feel like a complete violation to me; hence, I would take it as a way to hurt me...revenge. How is that acceptable simply because we are biologically connected? Does setting perimeters make me a bad person? My point exactly! We teach people how to treat us. Only we know what is acceptable and where we have to bow out to protect our hearts and emotions. Glad things are back together and you can progress. ~Deb

Deb, amen to everything to you have posted :clap: :clap: , my respect for you continues and I applaud you questioning that respect is reserved for adoptees. I was brought up on the philosophy to earn respect you need to show respect and you have yet again shown respect to all of us. :grouphug: Pip

[font=Arial][/font][font=Arial]Amen and amen.[/font] [font=Arial][/font] [font=Arial]You know, I was talking to another mother of adoption loss about this same thing a while back, and she said, "In what other adult relationship would we be expected to acquiesce and submit to being dominated" speaking about how this is exactly what seems to happen in some reunions, including ours at the time. It's said and written out there that the adoptee needs to have control over the reunion as they didn't have any control over the adoption. (Funny that we're also told to 'be the adult' in the situation and that sort of contradicts giving up mutual control; also funny that if I did have control in the original situation my son wouldn't have been adopted) ... but what do you think really underlies this opinion (set up)? Our villification, exactly.[/font] [font=Arial]No more, no way, no how. [/font] [font=Arial]On the other hand, once we do step up to a more parental or simply adult (non-submissive) role, we will establish any needed boundaries in order to build a mutually respectful relationship. In some cases this may mean no relationship for an unknown amount of time, but that's better than a destructive 'relationship', and if/when the time comes that the relationship can progress, its setting up on a much better foundation. [/font]

No, its incomplete.A Bparents right to privacy is terminated with their rights.So you don't have to accept but you may not be able to stop it. Thats up to youI would agree with that.And what if you couldnt be contacted?No not if the parameters are reasonable. Just because something is acceptable or unacceptable for you doesn't make it the same for everyone else.

Amy, As I read through this thread I had the following thoughts:Recognise that your mom and aunt felt they had good reason to keep "the secret" from their dad. They may have had a good handle on how he'd respond if he ever found out (and it wouldn't be positive!). They may or may not be right about his response. Sometimes people are far more supportive than we expect. The longer a secret is kept, the harder it is to tell. The keeping of secrets can be incredibly destructive to families. Do you have a clue what your bmom's relationship is with her father? I think it's a good plan to talk with your baunt. It may be helpful to know what her relationship is with your grandfather. Are you willing to face another rejection? Your dream of a grandfather who loves you and wecomes you into his life may come true or he may true to totally reject you and want to have nothing to do with you. You are the only one who can weigh the consequences for yourself. I wish I were your bmom and could enfold you in my arms not that that could ever change the past. I must say it would have torn me apart to have had my bson share a story of his childhood similar to yours. I pray that you find both healing and peace,Kathy

Quote: Originally Posted by RiverGal response by Killmark

A Bparents right to privacy is terminated with their rights.

A- I thought of alot of responses /questions to your statement...then thought better of myself. So I will simply ask you to further elaborate on the above and to also inform Bparents (I myself am one) of any other "rights" you believe to be terminated.

I would like to know of anybody's relinquishment papers where it states that - in addition to terminating your parental rights - that your rights to privacy are also terminated. They don't go hand in hand. Tammi

Heya Killmark ~ I would really enjoy hearing more about your perspectives and opinions, as I really think learning falls flat when we close ourselves off from the discussion of differing opinions. However, I feel like we might be hijacking Amy's thread. Perhaps we could start a seperate thread where we could continue the discussion? I've got to leave in a bit and I'll be gone for the best part of the afternoon, but I would really love to pick this up later. Interested? ~Deb

I think with relinquishment, that's when privacy became an issue..we were never to see or know of each other. Relinquishment meant not knowing, at least back then, especially since our names were taken off the birth certificates..we were all supposedly protected, actually more like non existent. Erased. Gone. Finding out down the road who we are/were to each other, that surely doesn't mean that we can then spill the beans about someone or have the right to know every little detail, just as in any relationship. It's up to the person to share, that's part of the joy of discovery about someone..getting to know them as they disclose or we ourselves take the time, make the effort to see beneath the surface, etc, because we value them.

Hey Amy....Bless your heart I know it is so hard dealing with the things your bmom has done. I myself cannot even imagine doing these things to my bdaughter.....BUT....I Would Not just show up to face my bgrandfather!!!He does not know about you, and for some reason they ALL kept it a secret from him. Even his own wife!!! It is very sad to me that he does not know you exist....He should...You are Darling!!! I think it is a GREAT idea to talk to your baunt about this.... Find out the reasons he has not been told....Make your decision on contacting him after you hear her out!!! I DON'T like secrets for this very reason right here....They will bite you!!!! At this point it may be devastating to him that everyone knew this BUT him!!! Get the family perspective and go from there!!! I wish you the best....I know you will do the right thing!!! So many bmoms fear reunion, because of one person or another finding out their "secret". Should birth children be kept a secret....CERTAINLY NOT.....But Many, Many of them were. Birthmother's back in the day felt a lot of shame for making the decisions they made for their unborn children. It is not about you....I promise....It is more about the societal views regarding premarital sex and the outcomes thereof. I went through some of this myself....To finally decide what the heck....Let people think as they must!!!! Some bmom's never get to that point however....They still live in fear of what OTHER'S WILL THINK!!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you Dear Amy....I know you will make the right decision!!!! Blessings.... Staci

Amy, I just came across this thread and I have a few quick thoughts. First and foremost, I am wishing the best for you. I am a birthmom, reunited with my 21 year-old birthson. Reading your posts has reinforced to me how very unique each person's adoption journey is. We are all connected in thoughts and feelings here, and still, it amazes me when I read about someone else's journey, the highs and the lows. I am so glad that you have some time to think before making a final decision. I think that you need to think about those unique circumstances that you have in your life right now. I can totally understand that you want to meet your birthgrandfather. Not only do you have a biological connection, you have the dilemma that he is older and there is a sense, to me, that time is of the essence. That adds some pressure to everything, IMO. There are so many people's feelings and well-being to think about here. This is certainly not cut and dry, because there are major uncertainties with regards to his emotional health, which impacts his physical health, as well as yours. Will he be receptive? Will he be upset? How will his reaction impact your emotional and physical health? Amy, I am so glad you are posting, because even for me, someone removed from your specific situation - I'm on the outside looking in-, I am completely torn about what you should do. Will he miss out on someone that could bring him great joy, if you decide not to contact him? Will he react in an extremely negative way, due to the thoughts of his generation? So much to think about. The thing is, none of these questions can be answered until whichever action you choose is complete. Goodness, does any of this make any sense at all? It seems that the more questions I ask, the more questions I have. And they are all questions about the unknown. They boil down to the fact that predictions are just that, unproven assumptions about what will happen. No wonder this is so complicated. I think your aunt could be most helpful here. My birthson and I are very close since reuniting, yet still getting to know each other. I'm rambling, but the point I'm trying to make is, although we have a biological connection as birthmom and birthson that we honor, recognize and celebrate, we are getting to know each other as 2 people who've never met before do. The point of reference I have in this is my own family. Naturally, reading your posts, I think about what would happen had my birthson gone to his birthgrandparents directly. It's difficult to say, and I have no way of really knowing what would happen, but I do see the potential for emotional distress to him, were he to take this route. I'm not definite about this, but the possibility is there for sure, IMO. I am hoping that time with your birthaunt will help you in making your decision. I'm thinking.....she knows him, and it sounds to me like she'd be able to advise you on the most personal level. Please keep posting. I have a feeling if we keep thinking about different things to discuss with your birthaunt, as well as what you are feeling, we can come up with some important things for you to discuss with your birthaunt when you see her. I wish things were different with your birthmom. I cannot begin to imagine how painful her response must be to you. I am hoping that you find peace of mind, and that those closest to you help you in your journey.

In the interest of saving Amy's thread from anymore morphing, here is the link to the new one where we can (hopefully) continue the discussion. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?p=1385757#post1385757[/url] ~Deb

I was oversimplifying in that statement, to clarify I feel a bparent doesn't have the "right" to deny an adoptee who has come of age information on their background (the family history and so forth) nor deny them the chance of reconnecting to their other biological relatives, it should be up the individuals contacted to decide that and should be respected if they do not wish contact.

Tammi,Read my previous post, I was not talking about legal "rights", though by EU law (various human rights on knowing ones background, genetic and cultural) the individuals right to this information exists.Then again I cant' think of a single EU country which doesn't have mechanisms for an adoptee to find information on their origins.

I agree we shouldnt hijack Amy's thread, as for continuing the discussion I'ld like to, debate is always healthy, unless your talking skydiving without a parachute.