attachment with older kids

My son was 6.5yo when he arrived and had 3 failed adoption situations prior to placement with me. At each one a sibling was peeled away. Finally, when he came to me he was omitted from an adoption plan with 2 sibs closest to his age. It drove him to the brink of a nervous breakdown and he was SO resentful of me. Attachment was darn near impossible but we managed to bond over time. I'd suggest finding non-threatening ways of approach. Start with listening, then maybe singing together. If she won't allow you to touch her any other time you can swing her at the park (most kids don't think that counts for some reason) and hold hands in public places. My son resented all touch, so I had weekly pedicures and 'foot samages' done for him. The manicurist knew that it was actually touch therapy and would spend 20 minutes just rubbing his feet. He still loves it, at age 11 now. I think the best advice to offer a new parent is for them to realize that bonding isn't even possible at first, not until the child comes out of shock and feels safe. That happens with routine and structure. Stay repetitive and don't overwhelm either of you. Have the same few people come around for short intervals until she can tolerate them (you'll know when she begins to genuinely interact) then have those people be your short-term care providers (there's something beautiful about going to the market alone once in a while, or for a 90min. haircut appointment). Bonding comes with knowledge and trust. Think of how many people have lied to this child, realize that even the air will smell different. Give yourself time and a break. It's gonna take a while. Don't be afraid to tell her that you are having a 'hard day' once in a while and need 'quiet time' when you do. My son was FLOORED to see me cry for him when we realized that the scars on his body were intentially inflicted by past caregivers. It meant the world to know that someone cared that deeply, really blew him away. His therapist told me time and again that he would mention 'my mom would plob-bly cry if she knew that hurt me'. He loved that his hurts mattered to somebody. It looks like you might have a language issue. We did too, to some degree. I'd really work with creating a comforting environment (with non-breakable items) that she can clutch and cuddle and command to some degree. Creativity is important but I mean things like dressable dolls, chenille blankets, choosing what clothes she wears, even a selection of food colorings that she can add to her bathwater (3 drops per bath, helps them overcome fear of water and being naked in a strange place), her own bag to carry her own things in when she's out with family. Things to show her that her world is her's to own. What an exciting time for both of you. You have full permission from the Parent-Police to be occasionally overwhelmed. LOL

Books! "Attaching in Adoption" - Deborah Gray "Parenting with Love and Logic"- Foster Cline "adopting the Older Child " Claudia Jewett Jarrett

I also recommed the books be Gray and Jarrett. I don't personally like the Cline book and it doesn't deal specifically with attachment (The Gray book is the best for that if you have a child with any degree of attachment disorder). Here are my tips, even though my child really IS older - we got him at 14 and he is 15 now. 1. Meet all her basic needs - be the one to feed her and take care of her in every way possible. In our case, even though A. is capable of making some of his own meals, I try to be the one to feed him. Attachment disordered kids haven't had their needs met, and need to be nurtured...sometimes as much younger children than they are. 2. Avoid any outsider contact as much as possible, especially at first. If she is inappropriately affectionate with other adults, redirect her immediately.3. If she misbehaves, don't give her time outs - give her time "ins". Tell her that she's having some trouble and you are here to help her, so for the next "x" amount of time she must stay in the room with you. (sounds counter-intuitive; my thought was "won't he see time with me as a "punishment" then? But the explanation was NO - he's more likely to withdraw and disassociate if given the chance).4. On the same note, have all meals together, avoid long amounts of time alone in her room, etc (okay- probablay doesn't apply as much to you, but a 15 year old can LIVE in their rooms if they want!, LOL)5. Establish some special traditions and routines - ANYTHING they can count on, on a regular basis. We do Sunday breakfast, just the two of us - and ice cream before counselling appointments.6. Never, ever make a promise and break it - even something as mundane as "we'll read a book together later". I'm very slow to tell him for sure that we'll do anything - because if I have to cancel or change he goes "Yep, that's what people always do to me!" so I'm slow to even promise - I'll say "MAYBE we can.." and at least it isn't a broken promise if we don't (and it's a nice surprise if we do!)7. Show her she's a part of the family - put up pictures, etc. With mine, I recently added a charm to my "family" necklace - I have these little birthstone girls and boys to represent every member of our family. He noticed RIGHT AWAY that there was a new "March" boy on there, LOL

Attaching in Adoption is a wonderful book - please read it! I agree about you feeding her (preparing her meals). If she happens to want you to literally feed her (you hold the fork), do that too. My daughter, although younger, wanted me to do this and I did, despite curious looks from the in-laws. You are trying to meet basic needs that may not have benn met in her past. I even swaddled M, at age 4,C wanted to be swaddled too! Help her with things, even if you know she could do them. Stay close to home for the first month or so, and keep the routine simple. Predictability is good; tell her what you are going to do each day, where you are going, and who people are that you will see (a friend/neighbor is coming over, etc.). Good luck!

Oh and don't let her get away with "I'll do it myself". My son, who was 7 at the time of his placement and had attachment issues (he no longer meets the diagnosis of RAD!!!) did not want me to put bandaids on cuts, kiss bruises, get him his food, etc. There were several times he would STRUGGLE to avoid me putting a bandaid on him. He'd always yell "WHY do you have to do this?" And my reply was always calmly "Because I am your mother, and moms get to take care of their children when they get hurt." Now, a year later, he falls and bumps his elbow and he comes to me to get a kiss and that check-in time ("Are you okay? Let's see it... I bet that hurt, but it looks like you're going to live")

We foster/adopted an 11 year old girl and a six year old boy (they joined us nearly three years ago, after 7 foster placements and a failed adoption). Playing in the pool was a good one for us - both kids wanted to be held like infants, and gads, the 11 year old was almost the same size as me! Patience, if you can. Forgive yourself when you lose it - and you will. There wasn't a day in the first six months I didn't cry and think I'd ruined four lives. We're doing really well now. Not often we don't yell at least once a weekend (they're almost 14 and 9 now, you try keeping your voice down with teenagers, uuungh) but they're doing great in school and they're just kind, decent kids. Every so often something weird shows up (when we realized our DD, who was doing gifted math work, couldn't tell time (she missed that part of school, I guess) and our DS has anxiety disorder). Patience. Good luck and bless you for thinking about doing this. (Who would you rather meet ten years from now in a dark alley - a former foster kid you or someone like you raised, loved and cuddled, or that same kid who found their only family was a gang?)