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Ok - well, I don't post a lot on adoption.com - lurk quite often though. I'm 29, adopted AND adopting my first baby girl any day now. The expecting mother is due right now, so we are just in a wait and see mode. Obviously, I am thrilled about this. I was adopted in a closed adoption. Had a lot of info about my birthparents, but never really thought about meeting them. That isn't to hurt anyone's feelings, if you are a birthmother. I just never thought about it - thinking back now, it wasn't exactly a supported idea, if you know what I mean. My parents never discouraged me...but they made it clear (in my eyes) that I shouldn't want any other relationships. Well, when I was in my early 20's, I had a cancer scare and decided to start the search to find my birthmother to get a updated health history. Found her, wrote back and forth several times (monthly for over a year) exchanged many letters and presents with her kids and her family, etc. Met face to face and it was a DISASTER. Looking back, we should have used a mediator. It was awkward, very strange, no one knew how to act, etc. I think her oldest daughter felt strange once I got there (she was 15 - you know how teens can be, and I realize that) and she (birthmother) started quizzing me on what I was there for, what did I want, etc. Very uncomfortable. Her mother wanted to meet me, and she refused that. Anyway, we backed WAY off then. Wrote sporadically, probably every 3months for a year. Then didn't write at all for maybe...9 months. Then this fall, she wrote and asked if we could start over. Maybe meet somewhere just the two of us for a couple of days in January and get to know each other one on one, etc. A nice letter. I wrote back fairly soon after and said I would like that. That was in October. January comes and goes with nothing more said about it. I hadn't heard from her at all since i wrote her. She wrote me back in late February, saying nothing about getting together. Mostly a superficial letter about what her kids are doing, her job, etc. I didn't write back right away. I am tired of always writing back timely and not getting a response. It's disappointing. I don't want it to be, but it is. Hang in there, we are getting to the reason for my post. :) Just some backstory needed to be told. So in April, my husband and I are matched with a lovely expecting mother with a baby due in June. Naturally we are thrilled. I wrote to her in the second week of April about the baby. Haven't heard ANYTHING. Nothing. Nada. So...my question is...well, what I am afraid of is that she doesn't think it is important because the baby is adopted. Do you know what I mean? Like it would mean more to her if it were my biological child (and thus biologically related to her) rather than being an adoption. Understand, I am not looking for her to do something grand in light of this news. But I don't think a letter of congratulations is too much to ask. Does anyone have any insight? Or advice? Should I send her a baby announcement after the birth and placement? Or should I let it go for now? The thing is...my feelings are getting really hurt. It's one thing to stop contact for a long time because you need to for whatever reason - I can understand that. But to just keep coming in and out of someone's life...it's getting too hard. I don't know. I was just looking for some advice and empathy. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My mom doesn't know that I found my birthmother. She wouldn't understand. She is completely against open adoption (which is what we are having). My husband just says to forget about it, but I can't. It bugs me too much. Anyone?
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[font=Arial][/font][font=Arial]HI Sarah, I doubt it has anything to do with the fact that the child isn't biologically related to you let alone her. But it may be bringing back feelings related to losing you. As far as everything else, maybe this article would help you understand some of the issues that may be going on for her:[/font][url="http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=252291"]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=252291[/url] [font=Arial]Loss often involves shutting down in order to cope, and she might be back in shut down mode...temporarily. Maybe she's just not sure what your expectations are for the reunion or what she feels she can expect, or rather may feel undeserving of and shouldn't expect. She may really want to know a little more about what you would like her "to be" in your life. The fact that she had asked about getting together one on one shows she really does want to get to know you and spend time with you (it is much harder with others around)...maybe the right time for that hasn't come up yet. Perhaps in a letter you can let her know that you were looking forward to that and wondered if you could still make plans? Also communicate that the "on again" "off again" contact has been difficult for you.[/font][font=Arial]A little more open communication may be key here. (Not saying either of you aren't trying your best already...but reunion relationships take a lot of courage and stepping out...more than the usual. (I think). Hope it goes better for you soon...[/font]
sarahbunny
So...my question is...well, what I am afraid of is that she doesn't think it is important because the baby is adopted. Do you know what I mean? Like it would mean more to her if it were my biological child (and thus biologically related to her) rather than being an adoption. Understand, I am not looking for her to do something grand in light of this news. But I don't think a letter of congratulations is too much to ask.
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I wouldn't expect to much support or congradulations on adopting. It sounds like she has enough issues to deal with when it comes to placing you and the reunion and the needs of her other kids.I wouldn't expect her to be to happy for you...over the same thing she suffered so much loss over so many years ago.
As far as just your relationship with her I would take things slow and don't expect anything. Some people are just really bad at calling or writing (namely me....regardless of WHO the person is). So take that into consideration as well and try not to take it personally.
As far as your mother....I think you should tell her. She may not be very supportive at first but once she sees your bmom as not a threat (to her or you)than I think she may be able to be a good support to you.
It's normal for adotped adults to want to search out their history....even if the adoptive parent isn't too happy about it....they know it's a possibility, but the hardest part would be finding out later that you never told her about it. She may be interested in how she is doing and how many kids she has and that sort of thing.
Sometimes it brings comfort to know that although she did a hard thing...of placing her child...she still went on to have a normal life and find happiness(which of course is what we hope will happen).
Give your Mom a little more credit and let her be your strength to help you through this time in your life or at least let her be a part of it.
Thanks for your replys...Merrill, that article was interesting and gave me a lot to think about. Thanks for attaching it. I guess I will just continue to wait and see. I do think she has a lot of issues surrounding our reunion...there are times when she is very very open to meeting again, working on our relationship, etc and then there are times where it is very superficial. I guess I get worried that I am not exactly what she would have hoped for. But, that is my thing and not hers, right? As far as telling my mom...no, she would never ever understand and now she would be very angry that I didn't tell her before. She's a great mom...just very proprietary, if you know what I mean. She has asked recently if I wished i knew about my birth mother, but...her tone of voice was very unsupportive. You know how someone asks you a question and it is clear what answer they want? This sure wasn't the Oprah thing I thought it would be, lol. THanks for your advice!
For what it's worth I agree with what Merrill said but I would still send your b.mom an announcement. I don't think this child will be less important to her because it is adopted- after all I'm sure that she wanted your a.family to love you like their own. Be sure and add that this is an open adoption. Maybe at some point you might ask her for advise. Things she feels the babie's b.mom might want to know or something. That might open a door to a meaningful relationship- and help both of you. Perhaps it would also serve as a credible reason to give your a.mom for contact. (even though she is against open adoption) - just a thought.
Hello, I'm going to jump in here with an uninformed opinion - i.e., I don't know the mother who raised you and perhaps telling her about finding your other mother would be a mistake. I am coming at this from the double perspective of the sister of an adopted brother and a birthmother. I think it is incredibly disrespectful and dishonest to keep this from your adoptive mother. She's been there for you all your life, even when she might have been displeased with you for a time. And the longer you wait, the more hurt she will be that you kept this from her. If my brother were to re-connect with his other family, I would want very much to be "there" for him as he travels a highly emotional journey - and I know my 83 year old mother feels the same. We all feel like that's what families do for each other, even under difficult circumstances. As a mother, I was reunited with my son recently after 40 years and he won't tell his adoptive parents. His justification is "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" - Well, clearly it is broke because he disrespects them with his dishonesty over this. They can't be as great at parenting as he tries to convince me, because he could share this with them if they did love him as much as he says. So there, that's my opinion. But opinions are like belly-buttons; everyone has one. In the end, maybe something that someone on this board says will ring a bell with you and help you deal with your adoptive mother on this matter. As to your other mother being happy for your adopting a baby, I think that will be difficult but something she will come to do. My own son and his wife are thinking of adopting in the event fertility treatments don't work soon - and I find that very hard to support. I know they will never understand the pain of their child's first mother, and their child may be so disrespectful of them to reunite with her in the future without telling them. Nothing uncomplicated about any of this, is there?
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Hello!I have not read any of the other replies, so forgive me if I am repeating information!I would imagine that your adopting a little girl brings back lots of painful memories for your Birth Mother. She may be feeling the loss all over again? I doubt the loss EVER disappeared, but just that maybe it resurfaced big time when she met you, and now that you are adopting.
I'm wondering what has happened since the original post? Maybe I have missed something on another thread.
FWIW I think that the birthmother's reaction to the news about the baby in this situation is mostly a function of how the relationship is going as a whole -- that is, with a lot of ambivalence. My guess is that she might have responded (or not responded) the same way if the baby were "her" biological grandchild.
It might also have been, in April, that the idea of getting excited because another woman was about to reliquish a child was just too much to deal with. And she may not really know much about open adoption, or even may be opposed to it -- I have met birth mothers from my birthmother's generation who are VERY opposed to it, who buy into all of the stereotypes like "your child will be confused" (no evidence of that yet, thank you!).
Our first child was born to us, our second adopted in an open adoption, and my birthmother treats them both the same. That doesn't mean she denies the biological connection with my older son, any more than I do, but it is not central to how she relates to them. But we were much further along in the process than the original poster -- I had known her for more than ten years before we adopted ourselves. If I had told her "we're adopting" in the first year, when we were still sorting things out between ourselves, I don't know if she would have reacted the same way. I mean, I believe she would have come to the same point, but she might not have responded so quickly or positively. It's impossible to know! I do believe -- I am trying to word this carefully -- that my birthmother was glad that the daughter she raised had a child before I did. (If I had been able to get pregnant right away, the order would have been reversed.) My birth sister had a lot of issues with me "showing up," and I think it would have been fraught with emotional complications for me to suddenly present my birthmother with a "grandchild" as well.
To the original poster, it's still very early in your evolving relationship...it's easy to say "give it more time," but that might be the best thing you can do at the moment. Your birthmother has to be ready for a relationship before one can grow...maybe keeping the door open and concentrating on your new family is all you can do at the moment.
Barbara
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sarahbunny
Ok - well, I don't post a lot on adoption.com - lurk quite often though. I'm 29, adopted AND adopting my first baby girl any day now. The expecting mother is due right now, so we are just in a wait and see mode. Obviously, I am thrilled about this. I was adopted in a closed adoption. Had a lot of info about my birthparents, but never really thought about meeting them. That isn't to hurt anyone's feelings, if you are a birthmother. I just never thought about it - thinking back now, it wasn't exactly a supported idea, if you know what I mean. My parents never discouraged me...but they made it clear (in my eyes) that I shouldn't want any other relationships. Well, when I was in my early 20's, I had a cancer scare and decided to start the search to find my birthmother to get a updated health history. Found her, wrote back and forth several times (monthly for over a year) exchanged many letters and presents with her kids and her family, etc. Met face to face and it was a DISASTER. Looking back, we should have used a mediator. It was awkward, very strange, no one knew how to act, etc. I think her oldest daughter felt strange once I got there (she was 15 - you know how teens can be, and I realize that) and she (birthmother) started quizzing me on what I was there for, what did I want, etc. Very uncomfortable. Her mother wanted to meet me, and she refused that. Anyway, we backed WAY off then. Wrote sporadically, probably every 3months for a year. Then didn't write at all for maybe...9 months. Then this fall, she wrote and asked if we could start over. Maybe meet somewhere just the two of us for a couple of days in January and get to know each other one on one, etc. A nice letter. I wrote back fairly soon after and said I would like that. That was in October. January comes and goes with nothing more said about it. I hadn't heard from her at all since i wrote her. She wrote me back in late February, saying nothing about getting together. Mostly a superficial letter about what her kids are doing, her job, etc. I didn't write back right away. I am tired of always writing back timely and not getting a response. It's disappointing. I don't want it to be, but it is. Hang in there, we are getting to the reason for my post. :) Just some backstory needed to be told. So in April, my husband and I are matched with a lovely expecting mother with a baby due in June. Naturally we are thrilled. I wrote to her in the second week of April about the baby. Haven't heard ANYTHING. Nothing. Nada. So...my question is...well, what I am afraid of is that she doesn't think it is important because the baby is adopted. Do you know what I mean? Like it would mean more to her if it were my biological child (and thus biologically related to her) rather than being an adoption. Understand, I am not looking for her to do something grand in light of this news. But I don't think a letter of congratulations is too much to ask. Does anyone have any insight? Or advice? Should I send her a baby announcement after the birth and placement? Or should I let it go for now? The thing is...my feelings are getting really hurt. It's one thing to stop contact for a long time because you need to for whatever reason - I can understand that. But to just keep coming in and out of someone's life...it's getting too hard. I don't know. I was just looking for some advice and empathy. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My mom doesn't know that I found my birthmother. She wouldn't understand. She is completely against open adoption (which is what we are having). My husband just says to forget about it, but I can't. It bugs me too much. Anyone?