Advertisements
I was reunited with my bdaughter when she was 14. Actually had just turned 14. She found me by accident, a post on a reunion site, and she contacted me. It was an emotional roller coaster for me; regret, shame for what I had done, joy, fear of hurting my children/family, thrilled she was okay and happy. Her Mom was great and very supportive for both of us, which in my eyes she was an Angel. So it seems a reunion was on its way to a good healthy start.
I believe I tried too hard in the beginning. Gifts, cards etc., trying to make up for lost time. especially since she was so young, who wouldnt want to send a few silly stuffed frogs, candy and junk kids her age loved.
Somewhere along the line I lost sight of what was important, building some emotional bond. I think out of fear of hurting my children. My 1st child within my marriage seemed very hurt. She is 2 years younger then my bdaughter, and I think she was jealous at times. I tried to include her and make her love this sister she never knew.. it didnt work, she likes her bsister but dont want to be close to her. I think I may have pushed too much. My youngest daughter who was 5 at the time of reunion was thrilled to have an older sister, one that was nice to her,etc.. she has never had a problem with this reunion and thinks everything is cool, she is almost 12 now. My bdaughter turns 21 this year, my kids from my marriage are 18 and soon 12. I feel my situation is unique.
I think at times I have pushed my bdaughter. She is now very busy with school, she is in college and Im very proud of her. I send emails as often as I can but emails have slowed down considerably. It was every day in the beginning, now to almost 2 to 3 months before we write. I feel horrible for letting time go by, but I guess my fear is pushing her to respond. She is truely busy, and always apologizes for not writing etc, which makes me feel even worst. I dont want her to feel that she will hurt my feelings because she is getting on with her life. Does that make sense to anyone??
Here's the shameful part, I have never told her I loved her in person. I explained at one time that its very hard for me to say that and that I want to. I will tell her in closing emails but never in person or on the phone. I used to hug her when we would get together and when parting, but a few months ago when we got together she responded to a hug like she didnt want it.. I even checked my breath.. it was like she was tired of being hugs or something. So yesterday, I just got home from a 3 day convention in a city close to hers and we always get together for dinner and shopping. This time I told myself, I will not invade her space and let her hug me this time. To make a long story short, no hugs exchanged thru the whole weekend. Im sure she wanders why I didnt attack her with hugs, her fiance' too. I always hugged her boyfriend too. Not this time. Argh! I feel horrible now.
Where did I miss this, the emotional part. She dont say much or express how she feels. I know I asked her in the beginning if she hated me for what I did. And she said she understood why, etc and no that she didnt blame me, etc. I guess I just dont know what she would like out of our relationship. She mentioned that she wasnt close to her parents like she is to her sister who was also adopted, reasonable. I know she loves her parents and I dont want her to feel that she cant say that. Heck, I love her parents, they are wonderful people, you couldnt ask for better people . Her father was strict, but loving, etc. Her mom is a real sweet person but not a pushover.. etc. She says she has had a happy life.
I've been very open about my feelings as far as how I felt about the adoption and losing her. How proud I am of her and support her decisions in life. But I guess Ive never asked her how she feels our relationship is going. I don't want to be the mom, she has one. I did one time joke and tell her look at me like the crazy aunt that gives lots of advice.. maybe that was wrong. But how do you come out and say I want you to love me but not like a mother. I want to be close but not so much that Im crowding you. How do you love a stranger? I love her but have a hard time expressing , and yes I came from a family that didnt sling those words around. My dad told me but I was his little girl. I only heard those words twice from my mom and couldnt tell you now when that happened. I can tell my hubby all the time. I adore him. I love my kids but hardly tell them unless they will be gone from me for a long time or they are upset and need assurance. I dont cling or hug on my kids a lot either. Only if they need consuling, etc. They arent huggy kids either.. thanks mom~. I know they wonder why I hug my bdaughter and I did explain I was not going to push it anymore and it wasnt comfortable anymore. Im open with my kids. They know why Im not huggy, they know the relationship Ive had with my mom and they understand. But they know I love them. I'm a shower of gifts, I buy love and they say thats fine with them.. lol..
Anyway, can anyone understand my situation? Does it sound normal to pull away? What should I expect out of this relationship and when will it feel right? I know I should just talk to her but I dont want to put her on the spot. Not now. How would you handle this or what would you say. I know I need to talk to a professional but I dont trust them. Id rather get advice from ladies who have gone thru this, either Bmoms or Adoptees. Esp Adoptees, I read lots that say bmoms are clingy.. oh how that scares me that Im one of those crazy bmoms driving the adoptee crazy with emotional baggage or lack of emotion.
Im rambling now.
advice? please dont slam me for lack of emotional expressions or hugs. I try to be the best mom I can be. :flower:
Like
Share
I am an adoptee myself who just reunited with my mom. Your daughter is still really young. Reading your post, and maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it sounds to me as though she may be confused about what kind of relationship you want with her. You say that you jokingly said to think of you as the aunt that gives advice, but then you close your email with "I try to be the best MOM I can be." I think you guys just need to have an adult conversation about what kind of relationship you both want, and find a common ground that you are both comfortable with. Once you find that comfortable ground, you can begin the emotional bonding period. Until you are both 100% comfortable with each other, it will be hard to emotionally bond. I think you are most definitely a great mom, and try not to judge yourself too much.
Advertisements
I just meant the best mom to my children I am raising. I dont try to be a mother to my bdaughter. Thanks for the encouragement. Its been over seven years of reunion and dont know how its suppose to feel. I see so many that either have a family as a whole or dissolved after a few years of bad communication, expectations, etc.
Foundin99
Isn't being a friend or a very important person to your daughter enough? I often try to disect my own reunion but come up short. But we are talking/communicating and growing a relationship because we are intrinsically related. We both know the connection, and how we use our friendship depends on the twists and turns life itself hand's out. It's enough for me at the moment.
As for being demonstrative - you either are or you ar'nt. Sounds like you started the hugs and now regret the last meeting when you desisted. Don't worry about it - next time just do what feels natural for you. If you try to guess what she is thinking you will never know whether you are right or wrong. Stand in your own relaity - do what feels right, and if in doubt - ask. Only then will you know the truth.
If you can't say the "I love you" again don't stress. Show it and when you can trust what you have - it will come.
I don't for one minute think your situation is unique. Reading your post I agreed for most of what was written. It was like my story with different characters. I think your senario is very common-place. It's the vulnerability of distant relationships - trusting that it's a lasting connection - and trying to find a place that feels comfortable to work from that occupies so many birthmothers thoughts. I just keep on reminding myself that what I have now is 100% better than the not knowing, and I have the rest of my life to make this a good solid connection. My time will come!!!
Ann :flower:
ps - Even at 21 your daughter is very young. She has a lot going on in her life, and it's a time of independance before she becomes a wife. I have 30 yr old + children and know that there comes a time when you once again can take an active part in their lives - as a grandparent etc. Be patient but persistent. I think you are doing really well.
Regards - Ann :flower:
Just to come at this from a different angle...
Perhaps your daughter is waiting to take her cues from YOU. One thing many adoptees have in common is a fear of rejection. She is not likely to put herself "out there" if she doesn't see a very open invitation from you. That is not to knock on your past behavior! :) I think you are being very conscious about the role in her life that you have/should have and are trying to be very considerate. But considering her age and the possiblity that she is afraid of being rejected in some form, you might need to stretch it a bit if you are looking for more closeness and/or to see if she's open to that.
Next time you see her, assuming the timing is appropriate, try telling her you love her in person. Yep, it's a stretch (I get it, because I'm not normally lovey/huggy either) but it's obviously there in your gut...so let it out. What is the worst thing that can happen? She may not say it back, but I doubt that she will go screaming into the night either.
I don't think it's necessary to have a big TALK about your relationship unless things naturally drift there (and they might, in time). Send her quick emails just to say hello, I'm thinking of you, that don't necessarily demand any kind of reply. Little things like that.
My bmom and I have been reunited for a year and are now very close. We started out having these emotional issues, though. It took her a while to say "I love you" in any format, but she admits to me now that she felt it right away. She was scared to admit it, and afraid of how I might react. She didn't want to push too hard, didn't want to "smother" me, didn't want to be my mom, but wanted to love me. I didn't understand all of this, and I started to back off for a while, thinking that she was trying to get some distance from me without being mean about it. Maybe your daughter is similarly confused?
Anyway, I've rambled on here. Hopefully this helps a little :)
Sending positive thoughts your way!!
Hi Foundin99,
My advice to all this would be tell your b-daughter all this in a letter, tell her you will be there for whatever the relationship is, and tell her what you think of her parents! I am searching for my family. If they found me I might feel different for awhile...I think. But I am 49 years old so that may make a difference! I found my sister and our lives are sooo different yet we are so much alike. I formed a bond with her. I don't think I would with my b-parents though. I think after the questions were done and the curiousness of resemblence was done, I would only want to be friends. I keep my friends at a bit of a distance. So sadly, I probably wouldn't form a bond with my b-mom. Just my siblings. I hope this doesn't seem cruel.
Advertisements
Are you able to explain to me in more detail what the "emotional bond" that you feel you lack is made up of? The fact that you want your daughter in your life, fear that you are pushing her away, and the want to hold her in your arms and make her happy tells me that there are strong feelings attached to this reunion. Maybe you are not as loving with her as you are with your younger daughter but isn't that to be expected. You have had years of touching, caring and being the No 1 person in your kept daughters life. This young woman you are now feeling a little remote from has attachments to others - her afamily and sister - but is still including you in her busy life. I think the emotional bond between you is alive and well - it's a remote relationship and you are over-guessing how she is feeling.
A 21 year old is so different from a 14 year old. They are breaking free and becoming their own person. Making decisions for themselves, and choosing who they want to associate with. Have faith that she wants you where you are -
To me, she responds when she has time - not out of fear, but out of respect and love. Hence the apology
Trust yourself and your daughter Foundin99. What you have is similar to other families of a 21 year old - in college, engaged to be married, and trying to fit it all into a tight schedule.
If I was in your shoes, I would step up the e-mails a little and make them light and happy. Adopt a positive attitude even if you don't always feel like it. And know that young adults busy making careers, families of their own and big life choices don't connect to people because they have to - they do it because they want to. Because there is an emotional attachment to be part of that persons life.
Ann :flower:
She is truely busy, and always apologizes for not writing etc, which makes me feel even worst. I dont want her to feel that she will hurt my feelings because she is getting on with her life. Does that make sense to anyone??
But how do you come out and say I want you to love me but not like a mother. I want to be close but not so much that Im crowding you. How do you love a stranger?