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I need opinions please..
Here is a short history. Our dd is 5 years old
We met bfather after he relinquished. He had a 6 month relationship with dd bmom. She ended it and she never told him that she was pregnant. He found out about our dd when the adoption agency contacted him when our dd was three days old (before we were in the picture). He was informed that he was named the father of a baby girl and baby's mother is placing the child for adoption thru their agency, they needed to meet with him. He informed them that he was taking custody of the child and would not sign, but after sitting on his decision for 2 days called the agency and said he was reading to sign. The baby was still in the hospital. That is when we were notified of dd birth and situation. Before we bought the child home from the hospital, he signed, he told the social worker he was interested in meeting us.
We meet when dd was 6 weeks old and decided to meet once a year at the agency picnic. We meet there for 3 years straight. Each visit was hard on him upon leaving. I would see him choking back tears as he walked away. Last year, he did not make it. He got married and said he would be away on his honeymoon that week. We told him to contact us when he wanted to get together. We have not heard from him.
This past picnic, we did not invite him as we had in-laws in town from Florida. He did not contact us.
I was thinking of contacting him since we could not invite him to the picnic to see if he wants to visit but I feel kind of like we're chasing him. Ever since the first visit, he has our telephone number and we have always told him, if you need more visits, just call. He never did. Last year, we sent him the invite to the picnic 4 weeks prior to the picnic which is held on a Sunday. The Thursday before the picnic, I had my dh call him because we haven't heard from him. That is when we were told that he got married and plan to be away and can not attend the picnic. Dh and him had a nice conversation and before dh hung up he told him again call when you want to get together. He never called.
Part of me wants to contact him one more time, yet another part of me feels this is his way of saying, leave me alone. I don't want to chase him, or bother him. I don't know if he is feeling unsure of where he fits into all of this, as he does seem to be the sensitive type. We do know he married a woman 10 years older then him, who had 4 children and she does not have custody of any of those children. He said they were living with their father in Florida which they were planning to visit and break the news to.
We always got along great when we did visit with her bfather. At the last visit he told me that it was getting easier for him. We have always been the last people to leave the picnic.
I'm starting to get the feeling that if I want dd bfather in our life, I have to do all the work and I don't want that. It makes me feel as if I'm chasing him. My dd has a father, I don't need to chase this man around. I feel he needs to step up to the plate some. I don't want to push this relationship when I don't have the other side really embracing it, KWIM?
Would I be "too pushy" to contact him again, but what do I say? Do you want to visit? Give him our telephone number again. It's starting to feel uncomfortable....
Maybe I should wait until next year to invite him to the picnic again and see what he says. Is that a better idea?
Any opinions? :flower:
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Frankly, if he is a grown man and knows when the annual agency picnic is scheduled, I don't think a failure on your part to call and make sure he's coming (which is how I took your post) constitutes breaking your agreement. We also have to initiate all the contact w/ our birthfather, so I understand your frustration. I also agree that he has to take some responsibility for the relationship, but I don't think the answer is for you to stop trying. I look at it this way---it is best for my child to keep those lines of communication open, and I can only control what I do. I can't make him respond, and I can't tell with any certainty why he does what he does. What I can do is keep up my end. I will always be able to look my son in the eye and say that we did everything we could.
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I'm sure it must have been very upsetting to find out last minute that he wasn't even going to be there and probably wasn't going to call or anything. Your DD is old enough to anticipate his coming and I'm sure it broke your heart to know that he wasn't putting her first(even just one time a year) to make sure he made it to go see her. I think your Momma Bear instincts are coming out a little. It's hard to forgive someone when they do something that you see hurts or has the potential of hurting your child.
I would cut the guy some slack though. He really only missed one visit. You can't get mad at him for missing another visit he wasn't even invited to. You may be right. He may not have planned to even contact you to tell you he wasn't coming. Then again he might have been on the fence about it until your husband called, then decided not to go cause it would be too hard for him.
I understand you were hurt by him. But in reality you did the same thing to him. You didn't contact him to tell him you weren't going this year. What if he had shown up and you weren't there? You could use the same scenerio for him...."he doesn't care enough for your daughters feelings to make it to a planned visit even just once a year" the same could be said about you " You don't care enough about DD's connections to her birthfather that you can't arrange your schedule just one day a year to make it to visit him and keep it a priority".
I'm just saying that we all make mistakes in relationships. We all get hurt feelings and may act on those feelings when really we should strive to take the higher road.
I know how hard it is to be an adoptive mother. To try and maintain contact when you feel like your doing all the work and their reaping all the benfits.
But if you just think of how he must feel to see her and to know that that is his daughter yet he is missing out on so much of her life. how painful it must be to even go to a visit or look at her picture. It may be easier to see that although you may be doing all the planning and maintenance type work in the relationship....he certianly caries the greater burden emotionally and when you see him and you see his tears I'm sure you know that is true.
Keeping an open adoption is very hard. But when you see the smile and and tears on the birthfamilies face and see how grateful they really are and how much joy it brings to them to see their bchild again it makes it all worthwhile. Your DD will sense his love and that will forever change her life to know ...that above anythign else....she is truly loved by so many.
I say don't give up. Realize what a blessing it is to have him in your DD's life even when you have to do all the planning and contacting. She will still reap the benefits from that contact regardless of who makes the first call.
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After talking to my dh about this more, we have decided that we should call him and ask him how he feels about this now. How does he want to proceed (be left alone or try to do yearly visits again). Dh said he did tell his new wife about our dd. He remembered that about the conversation they had. We both feel since we missed inviting him this year to the picnic that we need to reach out to him.
Now dh and I are going back and forth on who should be the one to call. :rolleyes: I think he should call and he tells me I should be the one to call. He says you handle both of their birth mothers you should handle this. :o I don't know, I think it should be a guy to guy thing. We'll see....
I'll let you know what happens. Thank you ((everyone)) for your opinions. :flower:
[indent][font=Garamond]:) Good for you momtwo! :) [/font] [font=Garamond]:wings: I will be praying for you! :wings: [/font] [font=Garamond]Hope that everything will work out for you. [/font][font=Garamond]I'm with you on the guy to guy thing. [/font][font=Garamond]If I were in your shoes I would ask my hubby to do the calling. [/font][font=Garamond]I do the mom to mom thing, it's only fair that my hubby do the father thing.[/font] [font=Garamond]Many blessings sent your way.[/font] [/indent]
Thank you ((myheart))! :grouphug:
I did tell my dh about this thread and how EVERYONE (ok exaggerated that just a wee little bit :rolleyes: ) thinks he should be the one to call. He asked why and I said, because it's a guy thing. He will probably be more comfortable talking to you. We don't know if his new wife is the jealous kind, know what I mean? I laughed and he rolled his eyes......
okay "fine" but I'm going to call him when I want to and not when you want me to. :rolleyes: I said that is fine, as long as you do it within the week. :evilgrin:
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amom2two
We meet when dd was 6 weeks old and decided to meet once a year at the agency picnic. We meet there for 3 years straight.