How do you handle the pain of giving up child?

oh man......... do you have an open adoption? pictures letters? mine is closed and its the worst kind of adoption.......not knowing how your child is doing is pure torture........ the pain was there for 15 yrs until i found her name .....a sense of relief came until i tried to get a picture and adoptive mom said yes to a picture than no........now the pain is much greater than i can ever remember....go figure......i thought i was on my road to healing ......guess not.....

Stacey I am not a birthparent, so I cannot imagine what it is like for you. There are lots of birthmoms on this site who will be able to offer you wonderful advice. I just wanted to wish you well. Take care

It's not an open adoption.I just "lucked out"...................I'm distantly related to the amom.longingtomeetyou...................I don't know how you do it.I couldn't handle not even havig a pic,like I said,I really lucked out in that way.I can see her whenever I want............I go about once a month or every other month.It's really hard going and leving her!PM me any time you'd like to talk

You put her in a good home, she now has everything, that's what is best for her. You did the right thing, you didn't take her and leave her in the middle of the road! you took her and lovingly placed her in warmth. I'm not one to talk though it's been 11 years and I still can't breathe at the thought.

Birthmom here, Hi, I am a bmom, 42 relinquished in what was supposed to be a semi-open, aparents closed it. You ask how you will get over it - in my opion, you won't. This is adoption. Loss and grief for the bmom for the most part. You need greive your loss. This is a lifelong loss, even in reunion, down the road, there is still loss. You need to be easy upon yourself. You need not ever, ever discount yourself as her mother, you are your childs mother. Don't get caught up in guilt. EVER. No matter what anyone tries to say. Your child and your other childern, I don't know how that will will down the road at reunion time. I have no experience there. I suppose time will be the keeper of that knowledge. There is no end to adoption. I goes on and on. The thing to try to do, is know that you child is with someone distanlty related to you and that at least you "know". Keep yourself filled with pride, an open heart, love for yourself, because all of those things are what will carry you through some tough times. Keep living strong, no matter what, for is that no how you would want your child to see you at reunion time. So many from the "closed" era of adoption suffered greatly. I too, come from "closed" with the added injury of people deciding the make it "closed" - I suffered for years, but I remained strong. I lived a fulfilled life, with that hope in my heart and the thought in my head if my baby girl ever came back, I would be THERE for her. Guess what, 21 years passed and she did. And its all pretty good. I survived adoption and you can too. S.

Hi, Stacey. Your post could have been written my niece. I'm the family member who adopted her little girl when she was a toddler just about 2 years ago. It sounds like we have a little more openness (dare I say, honesty) in our adoption because we don't hide the fact that my niece was our daughter's mommy first. We don't see her nearly as often as I would like and I'm sad that she hasn't shown any genuine interest in our life. So, in that regard, we're not really as open as I'd hoped our adoption would be, for all our sake. I guess it's a very individual thing -- the process of recovery and adjustment. My niece seems to find it necessary to live separate from us, even though we live quite close. It saddens me but I try to accept it, while I go on hoping that one day, some day her feelings will allow her to be part of our family again. If only for our daughter's sake. I hope that you will find peace and possibly a measure of contentment with the decision you made and the new relationship you have with your daughter. And I pray that my niece will, too.

This comes from an idea that I have read on this site. Write a letter to your daughter a letter with today's date and explain your situation and that you love her as much as the others. Give a copy to her amom to give to her at age 18 or sooner should she find out sooner and be troubled. Keep a copy for yourself and one to a third party in case aparents and you have a falling out or you die prematurely. Enjoy your visits. You are blessed in many ways. I did not see my child for 35 years. Sadly the whole in your heart will never be filled completely. My brother wanted to adopt my daughter but I could see that his wife wasn't accepting of the child that they had adopted through an agency and that the marriage wasn't going to last. I was tempted just for the sake of seeing her but I couldn't watch his now ex-wife raise my child. I wish some other family member had offered.

I'm in the process of writing a letter.I'm trying to figure out what all I should say.I thank you all for your advice.

Stacey, I am a birth mom and I agree. The letter is a great idea. I did that. A letter that is. Figuring out what to say is hard. I went through 3 writing tablets just to write one letter. BE honest. That is the key. My now 24 yr old daughter has all the letters that I wrote to her. I met her last summer. Always be honest in your letters. The words will come.

[quote=stacey6957longingtomeetyou...................I don't know how you do it.I couldn't handle not even havig a pic,like I said,I really lucked out in that way.I can see her whenever I want............I go about once a month or every other month.It's really hard going and leving her!PM me any time you'd like to talk[/quote] tks so much for your support.....thats what i need to get through the hard days....... the sad part i would usually phone my mom and start crying and get no where ....i tried talking to her for years to no avail l.......they wouldnt want to talk about my adoption .....i think they made an agreement between the adoptive parents swearing they wouldnt say anything to me ......even though i let my parents pick the couple ......all i asked my parents is to pick a couple who are pastor and wife...... technically speaking he isnt pastoring .....hes apparently starting a home for unwed moms .....if you can beleive that one.!with the way they are treating me ...o brother...... some days let me tell you it takes God in heaven to calm me down after crying for hours......literally ......the pain is unbelievable......and that adoptive couple doesnt have the foggiest idea how to treat a birthmom!

I'm a birthmom. Over the last 18 years I have never gotten over it. A piece of me is missing. My adoption was closed. I only had pictures of my daughter up until she was six weeks old. I treasure those pictures and the letter from the A-Mom. I had a long journey, painful journey due to the void in my heart I tried to fill. Just recently I realized what I was longing for...it is my daughter. I found her, but she is not ready to meet. So in the meantime I am creating a scrapbook for her. Writing the letter is a wonderful idea. I would also suggest journaling. Write the journal with hopes of handing it to your child when you reunite. My adoption was to never be talked about, so I had no one, I had to bury the emotions. Do you have friends who are willing to listen and comfort you? I have girlfriends I can now turn to and the people on this board so it is helping me heal. It is difficult, but you do have other birthmoms here for you. :grouphug:

Birthmom here as well some know the situation so here goes quick brief: 2 boys up for adoption, one went to my mom and the other to a great loving family in another state. Oldest and I are in reunion and the other is of legal age but now in fostercare still in school and no contact now(thank you to his aparents)(long story). Last picture I recieved was when he was 4. They are thought about each and everyday. I celebrate their birthdays, christmas. I even have christmas stockings that we still hang every year from when they were born. As for me this will always be with me. I will always love them and miss them. I see my oldest now and have been reunited for the last year. As for my second boy he is in fostercare now as the aparents lost custody and i no longer have any contact with him and that hurts.. jan

Stacey, When I placed my firstborn son for adoption, the only thing I knew was that his adoptive parents were in their late 20's, Adad was a "mainstream" pastor and amom was a social worker. This was in 1972 and I was encouraged not even to see him after birth. (They were really panicked because I refused to sign the final papers until I saw him. That was the ONLY time I held him and fed him a bottle.) I had no contact again until 2005. No pictures, no contact, no knowledge of whether he was alive or dead. I have yet to read of anyone "getting" over adoption. Some people lock the memory away and never visit it again, but they haven't "gotten over it." Over time I healed and have had a good life. Until last year however there was a piece missing. Birthdays are always times of remembrance for me. With D now in my life I find myself revisiting the emotions of the time of his adoption. Recently (9/6/06) I held my 2 day old grandson (D's son) in my arms and was overwhelmed with grief as I remembered the one time I held D. No matter how much we want to, we can't go back in time. We can't change the decisions we've made, whether willingly or under duress. We can however choose how to live today. (Not that the choice is easy.) For me, I can choose to love D (and his family) unconditionally. I can't make him want to be in my life (or want me in his). I can't turn him into an infant to raise again. I can love him and delight in getting to know him and his family. How to deal with your pain? Only you can do this. (Isn't that helpful?) Find places to talk about it. These forums are always good because you find people who undersatnd. Remember that you only have to deal with today! You don't have to worry about the next 10 years. All you have to do is live today: if that's too much, try the next hour. Be the best mom you can to the children you are raising. Visit your child when you can and try to celebrate that she is doing well enough to bond with the parents who are raising her. You still have the opportunity to be a very special person if her life.