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I was adopted as a baby in 1969, told of my adoption at 19 after I went on my own, adoptive mom passes in 2006 leaving more questions than answers, so after much contemplating, I decided I wanted to try to find some answers and learn about my medical and personal history, so I search for and find my birth mother Terry (Jan 2014), who as it turns out is mentally ill and severely affected pretty much since day one after we (my twin sister and I) were allegedly 'stolen' from her. She never made peace with the event, never informed police, never tried finding us, went in and out of mental wards, hasn't evolved much all her life, she's a drinker, is difficult to talk to, lives like a gypsy with a bunch of people that don't really get along, and harbors a lot of resentment toward the world and seems in a word, crazy, hanging on by a thread. She desperately (key word) wants a relationship with us now (my sister suffers from her own mental illness but she wants to run and jump into Terry's arms) after 44 years so I am hoping for some insight here. I don't know if she will be happy with casual contact and just giving me the answers I seek, and she already has eluded that if she doesn't get what she wants out of this then I have 'come into her life and made it worse'.
I am ill prepared for what I have uncovered, as I am hanging onto a delicate balance in my own life, just now getting finances in order and living healthy with HIV (20+ yrs), at peace with myself and the world, and cannot handle any more stress in my life outside the everyday slings and arrows. I'm not sure if I can have a healthy relationship with her based on the intense conversations we've had on the phone thus far. I hope finding her wasn't a mistake that causes more damage than good. I feel so conflicted.
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Hi Vocalpro,
My natural father was mentally ill but didn't tell me... When I found him in my 20s and we started communicating, I was just left wondering what was wrong, and then got a confirmation and diagnosis years later from someone else. Our communication was difficult... sometimes sweet, sometimes very upsetting. Eventually I did cut off contact after some really inappropriate behavior coming from him.
However, I am glad that I found him and got to communicate with him for a while, even though that was difficult at times. The rest of the family, especially his mother, is also glad that I'm now in touch with them, and the feeling is mutual.
My recommendation is to pace yourself based on your needs, and to be clear about your boundaries with her. Counseling can really help with that. I have needed some assistance in learning how to do those things well, myself.
Do you know what kind of mental illness she has? Learning about it will probably help you to understand and handle issues when they come up.
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I agree with Sitta that you it would help you if you knew her diagnosis. You could then read up on it and talk to professionals about how best to interact with her.
It sounds like she is at least lucid, at times. Talk to her and ask her what she would like out of this relationship. Find out if she is okay with a casual relationship (and define what casual means for both of you). Try to establish some boundaries with her. Let her know what you are at this point capable of giving in this relationship.
Then, once you've determined exactly what she wants, you'll have to figure out if that's what you want and can handle.
It's tough. It must be really difficult to learn this about your mother. My dad has been homeless for short periods of time, and it can hurt to hear what his life has been like.
Only you can decide if you want to proceed. And, of course, your mental and physical health must come first.
Thank you for the feedback, L4R and Sitta. I am definitely going to be firm in my establishing boundaries, even though the guilt she will try to place on me will be evident. I have to remember that I am not responsible for where she is in her life, or where she is going. I can only be respectful and forthright in my approach to my connection with her, and so my hope is that she will be able to keep perspective when I set said necessary boundaries. There has to be some good coming from this or else we may have to leave it be. If things go well I do plan to visit her later this year for a meet and greet, and hope for the best. I can't think of another way to handle it other than to at least give it a chance by making one personal appearance and connect with her-- even if just for a couple of hours to talk-- maybe that will give her some peace of mind, but if it doesn't, I can't let it bother me or take responsibility for her reaction. . Happy Friday to all~