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I have a rather unique situation and I am not sure what to do. I was engage to a woman who cheated on me. I was young and when my daughter was born I was un aware that she had married someone. I was a part of my daughters life for her first 2 years. Her moms husband thinks he is the only possible father. After the 2 years her mom dissapeared with her. 10 years Later I have found where they live and she is still married to the same guy with several children. I do not know if I should make contact and have a paternity test done. I have always thought of her as my daughter and to me the most important thing is her happiness. I am having a hard time deciding if her immediate happiness by not disrupting their family is the right course. I also feel she has every right to know who her bfather is for sure. Keep in mind she is about to turn 13 now. I would like to hear from adopties what they think is appropriate. Thanks for your time.James
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I have been mulling this over for a while. Understand that I am part of an older generation and a lot of people on this forum may disagree with my opinion. As you know this matter should have been addressed years ago. Under no circumstances should you disrupt a working functional family. Especially since the girl is at an age where girls are so close to their Daddys and generally angry with Mom for no reason. I think you might talk to the mom about a DNA test being sneaked in at a doctor visit. That way if you are indeed her father you could step in- in a health emergency if not you can relax. Otherwise wait until Dad dies. One of my friends found out Dad wasn't bdad when she was about 40- after mom died.(Mom had been illegal wife in poligamist Morman family) She just took a trip to meet bdad's family came home and took care of the dad she had always known until he died. As a nurse I suggest if Mom lives in a small town she should go elsewhere for the DNA test. There are privacy laws but who wants to take that chance? As a birthmom from the closed adoption era I know doing this won't be easy on you but I think it would be best. Try to stay fit and live a long time.
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My brother is in a similar situation, except he is the one married to the wife and only found out recently he wasn't the bio dad to his 5 year old son since they are going through a divorce. Whatever you do, tread lightly. My brother is devastated by what he has learned. That is not to say the husband now, should or shouldn't know, just be considerate of him in whatever you do. You say he doesn't know, so please be gentle with him. Though my brother still considers his son, his son, the mother has choosen to only allow him to see his son for 36 hours a month because she is trying to avoid be uncomfortable (she has known the entire time!). The was the laws work in some places, there is nothing my brother can do about it either, unless she agrees and changes the orders. What makes it even worse is the bdad knows now and doesn't have the money to step in as dad, so my nephew now doesn't have one, except for 36 hours a month.I know this situation is reversed from yours but just want to encourage you to be very careful and it wouldn't hurt to check out the laws where you live. Sometimes what you think is best for a child turns out not to be backed by the law and the child can suffer. Make sure you look at it from every angle.