Family won't speak to me.

Suzz I can imagine how hard it is hearing that others knew your son and kept it from you. And you are entitled to feel angry and hurt about it. Do you think this may be why your sister doesn't want to be in your life now - is she ashamed of her lies as what was a secret is now out in the open? I guess here you have two options. You can either leave your sister where she has put herself (out of your life) and continue to build a strong reunion with your son despite the bad feelings between you and your sister, or...... you can forgive her for her lack of trust, tell her you love her no matter what, but you need total honesty from hereon-in, and allow your relationship with her to heal. I would prefer the last one - it means that family is very important to you. That love and trust and compassion are part of the special person you are, and you are willing to do whatever is necessary to keep the family together. As a birthmother you have probably carried around enough regret in your life (I know I have). Now is the time to go forward with an open heart and positive attitude. Don't only forgive your sister - forgive yourself for the self-doubt and recriminations. Suzz - You may have missed 30 years, but you can be part of the next 30 as a friend or mother-figure to your adult son. With your sister beside you, you will probably be stronger - hopefully family will support you and give you strength. re- the money his aparents paid - I presume that would have been to their attorney for arranging the adoption. In our days (I relinquished 1969) there were no payments to birthmothers. At all. Try to take the path that is least stressful, and remember that life is for living, so accept what you cannot change but also acknowledge what is possible. You have many things to be excited about, the biggest being your son. Enjoy his company and find joy in the world around you. Ann :flower:

Suzz, I can feel your pain. I don't know what to say, but believe me there are many people here on the Forum who will help you in any way they can. I've seen your earlier posts and you appeared to be very happy about your reunion. What happened? What does your sister have to do with you and your son's reunion? And why did your son say his parent's paid money for him? Please explain. Maybe there's a way for you to feel better about what you're going through if you talk about it.

Hi Suzz... I don't know what to tell you...this seems to happen occassionally. I was forced to place my son for adoption 25 years ago. He was swept under the rug like yesterday's leftover dust by my entire family, never to be thought of again. When I started my search late last year and told my Mother what I was doing, the first thing out of her mouth was, "You're still dwelling on THAT???".As soon as I found him, skeletons came out of the closet that had been tightly tucked away for many years, and now I am completely estranged from everyone in my family (with the exception of one nephew). My son will never meet any of them...they're too toxic for words. Sunny's right...any money the Aparents paid were for legal fees, agency fees; sometimes they paid for the Bmoms pre-natal visits and hospital stay, but no money was paid to the Bmoms. How long ago did your son meet your sister? Were the two of you already in reunion when they met? Sounds like things are going well with you and your Bson...I would let the sister stew in her own juices for awhile and see what transpires. You just concentrate on your Bson for now. This will either work itself out, or you can 'deal' with the fallout a little later on down the road. Many hugs, Tammi

Yes, I think too many skeletons are in the closet and now they all want out. I think it will just take some healing for me to be able to face some of them. I know they will never tell the truth and that my sister will portray herself as the innocent victim. So for now I'm just happy to have my son back. thanks Suzz

eastendmommy posted....Sounds like things are going well with you and your Bson...I would let the sister stew in her own juices for awhile and see what transpires. You just concentrate on your Bson for now. This will either work itself out, or you can 'deal' with the fallout a little later on down the road.

I agree with eastendmommy, you should concentrate on your bson right now, it doesn't matter what your sister thinks of the situation or what transpired between your family and your son in the past. All that matters is right now,and the relationship that you are building with your bson after a long 30 yrs. I had a friend that was against searching, because her brother adopted a boy and a girl and they have never told them they were adopted and don't want them to know, so she is against bmoms and thier children reuniting. I don't care what anyone says, I'm going to do what I need to do....for my sanity.

Yes, I think too many skeletons are in the closet and now they all want out. I think it will just take some healing for me to be able to face some of them. I know they will never tell the truth and that my sister will portray herself as the innocent victim. So for now I'm just happy to have my son back. thanks Suzz

My betrayal fell on my "best friend", she knew where my daughter was for twenty years and never told me, as did her whole family. Her aunt adopted my daughter, and I also found out that another close guy friend that was supposedly "in love" with me also knew. I am just astounded at the fact that my so called best friends could have kept a secret like that from me all these years. I am not angry, but I was and still am hurt by it, I know that they did what they thought was right. I don't know the circumstances of your families knowledge of your sons where about's, but I do understand to a degree the hurt and betrayal you are feeling. I wish you all the best, sorry I rambled.....just concentrate on you and your bson right now and your connection and your future relationship, the other will work itself out(or it won't), in due time.

Thoughts and prayers are with you!

Suzz, you haven't posted since July. I thought I'd ask how things are going for you in your reunion now?

Well, things are going great with my son. He's truly a blessing. My family still aren't speaking to me. But, hey its ok. I found my son and my family will have to just deal with it.

You go girl!! Good for you!! :cheer: I'm glad to hear the reunion is going well. :grouphug:

I'm glad things are going well with your bson! I'm celebrating a year in reunion.

Congrats, Kathy, on your first year :) Suzz, good for you... hope all goes well for you in the reunion. Next year it will be 5 yrs. in mine.

Suzz, Originally you asked how to cope with your family. I think you can simply say to your sister, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. My son is as much a part of me as you are and at this time of my life, I'm not going to give up either one of you! I can't make you talk to me or happy for me, but I can keep hoping you will. Just keep making clear to them that you are "out of the closet!" I am blessed in that my family welcomes D as my son. I am so sorry my Mom never got to meet him (he's always been part of our family as far as she was concerned.) I have determined that I'm not onto keeping secrets anymore (not that I ever did it well!). I have talked about D from the pulpit. Most of the reactions within my parish have been positive... I don't know what will work for you, I just know that I can't reject any part of my family, even if they reject me. I can't control their response, I can continue to love them and reach out to them.