Adult adoptees from US foster care...

I'll answer your questions on behalf of a dear friend of mine who was adopted from foster care when she was a pre-teen. She's in her early 30s now. We've spoken of her experiences, and I know her answers to most of these. Did you feel like you "belonged"? "Sure. Why wouldn't I? I belonged whereever God put me." If not, was it something your adoptive family did or did not do, that made you feel this way? "They thought they were getting me young enough to change my personality, and had a hard time adjusting to the fact that I was 11 and wouldn't change. But we all got past it - around the time I was 30!" Are you glad you were adopted? "Yes." Did you have an open adoption? "No." If not, do you wish you had an open adoption? "With the people who abused me and almost killed me? Are you KIDDING?????" Do you think all adopted children would benefit from therapy? "Adopted children are not all alike. What would help one won't help another. Consider each child an individual. Therapy did help me." In your opinion, what can an adoptive family do help the children adopted from foster care the most? "Accept their personalities. Help them deal with things that may have happened before you met them. Just because you adopted a child doesn't mean the slate is wiped clean - all that stuff still happened and the parent has to help them deal with it." Hope that helps.

Thank you Diane. It's certainly a beginning. Open adoptions are becoming more and more common even in foster care now. It initially never occurred to m that a child taken from their parents for abuse of one kind or another would want to maintain contact with his/her original parents...I'm finding out it's not so simple. I read recently of an adult adoptee from FC that was adopted at age 5, and she always wondered if her bmom was that bad or if she was given enough time to change. She was reunited as an adult, and realized her adoption was truly the best thing for her...however, she said she spent years feeling like she didn't "belong". After meeting her bmom, she said much of those feelings were laid to rest. That post has rung in my ears for days since I read it somewhere on these boards. I had to wonder if she would have felt that way if growing up, if she had maintained some contact with her bfamily...and saw growing up that her life was what it should have been (her words, not mine). Changing their personality? I have a bio son that I'd like to change a few things (he's 13)...is that possible?< big grin>. Thank you for your response. I'd still welcome others!

That's a good example about how "adoptees" should be treated as individuals. What works for one will not work for another, whether that be therapy, or open adoption, meeting bio family later, etc. I hope you get lots of stories! Have you posted this in the Foster Care and Adoption section? You might get more answers there, as people with grown children might be willing to ask them to answer your questions.

No, I just discoverered that there was a forum for adult foster children. Thanks for the suggestion. I hope I'm not implying that all adoptees will feel/need the same. I've just noticed some generalisation's that would apply to most. I wondered if those same generalisation's would apply to foster/adopt kids (generally) and what I could do to help the kids...and even the birthmom (my heart really aches for these birthmom's who are probably hurting too...don't flame me, I know they've made poor choices too). I would most definately look at any child as an individual with his/her own needs.

"I'm considering adoption through the US foster care system, and have been trying to research what it's like to be adopted, especially under the circumstances I described above. After reading adult adoptee after adult adoptee that felt like they never belonged or ever fit in with their birth families, I'm beginning to wonder if adoption is the EVER the answer?! " I'd like to start here because there are some things that you are missing. (i appologise if the bold font is obnoxious I just wanted to separate the questions and answers) Kids that are in the foster care system will remain in the system until they are adopted or age out. It doesn't matter if you feel that adoption isn't best. What other options are there. Adoption for kids in the foster system usually means that there arn't other options. Either there are no other family members that can or will take them and their bio-parents can't keep them (I have found that there are many reasons for this). Many of the kids available for adoption through foster care have been there a while while their bio-parents try (or not) to pull themselves together or social workers hunt for family members who will take them. The best chance most of these kids have of having a good life is to be adopted. Sure there are some success stories but in the long run most kids who age out of the system have really rough lives. I read a study of homeless adults and I can't remember the umbers but the majority of them aged out of foster care or were emancipated minors from foster care. Thats the system that needs to change. That said, this doesn't mean that a kid wont have a rough life if you adopt him/her, or that it isn't a difficult road or that you are going to be the saving grace (if you are going into it with that attitude, forget it. Many of these kids take offence to the fact that they were removed from everything they know. Many of them have been moved often) but just that they will at least have a chance to know a real home and family. Also, I am adopted as was my husband and we are planning to adopt (waiting impatiently) through the foster care system. I was a private adoption but my husband was adopted as a toddler through foster care. "Did you feel like you "belonged"?" I had friends that weren't adopted that felt like they didn't belong. My husband's issues with his family are because they never made him belong. His parents did but other family members didn't approve of adoption and never considered him a 'blood' relative. This has nothing to do with having come out of the foster care system tho. I know some adoptees where were with their families, as I was, from day one and still felt this way. So its important to know how your family feels about your adopting. Even if you think it wont impact your children, it will. The idiot who did my wedding flowers said something like "My daughter is the end of our family line. She has a son but he's adopted. Don't get me wrong, we love him like he were our own, but he isn't blood." I feel really sorry for that little boy. His grandfather may never say a word to him but he will feel it, I have no doubt. For me, I belonged and still do, to a wonderful family. I love my family more than anything and this is the main reason I want to adopt. My family can't wait for a new addition and I even have young cousins who are saying that they want to adopt when they get married and have a family. There are two areas where I felt out of place. The first was looks. I do not look like my family and its a little odd. I wonder sometimes, if I grew up around people who looked like me, would I have a better self image? Who knows? It doesn't matter. I do think, however, this is something to keep in the back of your mind with any child you adopt. Let them know how beautiful they are, always. The other area was because I had learning diferences and since my parents are both 'normal' and my dad is very bright, as is my brother (their bio-son) they didn't know how to deal with this and I would become very frustrated because they just didn't understand. Thing is, had I been raised with my bio-family, I probably would not have gotten as far as I have. I probably would have quit school. My family didn't give up on me tho and stuck by me through everything. My husband had a similar situation, but his problem is he is very very smart and didn't do well in school. His dad thought he was lazy etc. but he was finally tested and he has a genius IQ. Just know, you MUST be an advocate for your child, adopted or not. Its important to always belive it him/her and unconditional love is a must. "Are you glad you were adopted?" I know My husband is. Had he not been, who knows where he'd be now. He was taken away from his b-home for a reason. Me too, like I said, I love my family and although I like my b-mom the more I learn about her and her family the happier I am that I have the family I do. "Did you have an open adoption?" No. Neither one of us. This is something that My husband isn't happy about. He wants to learn, at least, medical history, but can not find anything. My b-mom appeared online about 6 years ago or so. I talk to her by email every now and then but I am still hesitant to meet her face to face. I just wasn't looking for her. "If not, do you wish you had an open adoption?" No from me and I think it was very wrong of my B-mom to look for me. I don't think she had the right to bust into my life. Thankfully she is respectful of my feelings and hasn't pushed too hard. My husband wants some info but doesn't care who they were. He just wants medical info and more information as to why he was taken away. "Do you think all adopted children would benefit from therapy?" Every child/person is different. This is just a matter of what is best for that person. "In your opinion, what can an adoptive family do help the children adopted from foster care the most?" Most of the kids in foster care have been bounced form home to home and have learned that they cant trust anyone. I think patience is important and understanding. Unconditional love. Many of the older kids hord food (for example) or will steal. You have to realize where these behaviors are coming from. eventually they will learn that you are not going to send them away. They wont starve, and you'll provide for them. Many, will also test you to see if you will send them away so you have to be ready for this as well. Please feel free to add ANY other opinion's that you may have. I'm not easily offended. I just want to know that adoption is the right answer for most kids...before I adopt them and they feel like I've ruined their lives. I keep reading this question and I am having issues with it. Sorry, I just...you want to know that its the right answer for most kids...it isn't. The right answer would be for them to be with their bio-families. For their parents not to have died, become junkies, run off, abused, neglected, chosen the boyfriend over the kids...but this isn't a choice. Adoption for these kids is the only answer. If you are worried about how you will look to them...don't adopt. Save yourself the heart ache and adopt an infant from Russia where they will probably never know who their bio-family is or why they were 'given up'. Tell them what my mom told me "Your birth mother loved you so much she knew you needed a good home and she wasn't able to provide it." Many of these foster kids will be angry. Wouldn't you be? And yes, they may be angry at you and may blame you. Its something you'll have to live with and maybe work on in therapy together. You might want to go to an oriantation class or talk to a social worker in you local Department of Family Services or Dep of Human Resources. If you are adopting ONLY (we are foster to adopt/foster) you will probably end up with a child who has had some time to come to the realization that adoption is going to happen and it isn't your fault. If you are going to foster then you will probably have to deal with a child who is upset that they were taken away from the only home and family they know and they may blame you. They may also blame themseves thinking that they did something wrong which is why they were taken from their family. This is something you will have to work on with them. In our IMPACT training course they did this little activity with us. Imagine that you are taken away from your home. Strange people come, they tell you its for your best interest, to pack your things and they take you to a strange house. The house is nice, clean...but it isn't your house. They give you a nice bedroom with nice furniture...but it isn't your bedroom with your furniture. The people in this house tell you that they will be your new family and will love you...but it isn't your family...The activity goes on to tell about how you get into the rutine and the new family is nice and you start to like them...but, think about it, if you were taken away from your home, wouldn't you think about your family, have some bitter feelings tward the new family? I would. No matter how bad things were its still the only home they know. And most people don't remember the bad as being as bad as it was. We all like to remember the good times. Every child is different tho. Is there a possibility that a child will not like you right away? YES Is there a possibility that a child will blame you for, well, everything? YES (they will weather they are adopted or not, its your 'reward' for being a parent) Is there a possibility that they will feel 'different' or like they don't 'belong'? YES (can also happen with your bio-kids) Is it possible that they will spend the rest of their childhood in foster homes, group homes, or bouncing between the two if they arn't adopted? Yes Is it possible that they will age out of the system, fall through the cracks and end up on welfare for the rest of their lives (or worse) if they arn't adopted? YES (ok, it could happen anyway, but at least they will have family to hold their hand on the way down) Is it possible that since they don't have a family to call their own that they will feel 'different' or like they don't 'belong' anyway? YES (probably more so) You really have to weigh your pros and cons. Again, I think you should go to an orientation meeting and ask every question. It also doesn't hurt to take the training course. You do not have to be sure you want to adopt when you take the course. You can take it and then decide. My husband and I grumbled about it (I have a degree in child psychology so I felt well qualified for dealing with children without the course), but honestly we did learn about the type of kids that come through the system and what some of the situations are that bring them their. Good luck

[quote=ilysse]" Please feel free to add ANY other opinion's that you may have. I'm not easily offended. I just want to know that adoption is the right answer for most kids...before I adopt them and they feel like I've ruined their lives. I keep reading this question and I am having issues with it. Sorry, I just...you want to know that its the right answer for most kids...it isn't. The right answer would be for them to be with their bio-families. For their parents not to have died, become junkies, run off, abused, neglected, chosen the boyfriend over the kids...but this isn't a choice. Adoption for these kids is the only answer. If you are worried about how you will look to them...don't adopt. Save yourself the heart ache and adopt an infant from Russia where they will probably never know who their bio-family is or why they were 'given up'. Tell them what my mom told me "Your birth mother loved you so much she knew you needed a good home and she wasn't able to provide it." Many of these foster kids will be angry. Wouldn't you be? And yes, they may be angry at you and may blame you. Its something you'll have to live with and maybe work on in therapy together.[/quote] Thank you for your reply! I appreciate the insight you gave me from your perspective. I have already completed orientation, IMPACT classes, and our first homestudy visit. However, what I'm seeking, DFCS can't give. I'm looking for info on how adult adoptees feel about being adopted from foster care. The vast majority of posts that I have read from adult adoptee's has revealed something I was very surprised at...they would prefer to have been raised by their birth families. In hindsight, I should have reworded a couple of my questions. This was not an attempt to lump all adoptees into one category....it was an attempt to gain insight by asking for the opinions of adult adoptees on adoption. Although DFCS has told us alot, they really can't tell me what it's like to be an adult adoptee from foster care...unless one of the workers actually are one. And even then, I recognize that they can only give an opinion on their experience. I am not attempting to avoid "being blamed" for making an adopted child feel like I've ruined their life, though I do not seek the title being at fault for making someone feel like their life is messed up either. I simply want to do what's best for any children I potentially adopt. There are other options for foster kids....some would rather NOT be adopted! Those kids remain in foster care but do not identify themselves as the child of someone else's family. Although, I've already made up my mind to adopt (when I posted this, I was not 100% certain that I would), I want to educate myself the best that I can...from the people who would most know. Adult adoptees, like yourself, have given me sooo much insight! I can't express how appreciative I am for the openess that some have had with me! Starting this process, I thought most adopted kids were thrilled to be adopted, and had little to no issues from being adopted. What an education I have recieved! So, in conclusion, IF I thought that adoption was detrimental to the majority of the children, I would not pursue adoption. I couldn't prevent the problem but I would not add to it. Luckily, you and I sound like we are on the same page though! I do think it's in the best interest of many children to be adopted :) . Thank you for voice and opinion's in this! You've helped me learn a little more:cheer: . Blessings,Mom2blessingsbio mom to 4