Article: Does Time Really Heal Adoption Wounds?

This is from last year, but it's so good and helped me, an adoptee, understand better. Thought someone else might like to read it also. Adoption Week e-Magazine ArticleAdoption Healing - Does Time Really Heal Adoption Wounds?Jan Baker They say time heals; IӒve heard this so much, but why doesnt it for me?Ҕ A birth father recently asked that question, and I would like to offer a response to his question. My personal view point is that of a birth mom who has been reunited with my son for four years. I am also very active in adoption support and education and have a great deal of contact with triad members. Despite what most people who relinquish children to adoption are told, there are some wounds so profound that not even time has the ability to completely heal them - a fact that most people considering relinquishing a child to adoption generally are not told. Most birth parents that I know thought that with time, the loss of their child would lessen and become more bearable. For some few, that has happened, but for many, instead of the pain decreasing, it has intensified as time passed. Depending on how the loss of a child to adoption is handled, there are a variety of ways a person responds. My experience was that in order to survive the loss of my son, I blocked out, hid and buried my feelings and thoughts of him. So while initially the pain of losing him was intense and excruciating, I learned to dull the pain by blocking out my love for and thoughts of him. I had another child already and felt I owed it to her to heal quickly from the loss of my son and threw myself into raising her. Not only did I not know how to grieve his loss, but I felt I did not have the luxury to do so. I needed to be a mom to my 5-year-old daughter. I was quite successful at mastering the art of denial and thought that I had dealt with his loss and survived with minimal scarring. Then, when was nearly 32 years old, he found me. I was astounded to find that not only had I not dealt with his loss, but that I had never really acknowledged the enormous impact of it. Until reunion, I was unable to face what a monumental loss not raising him had been in my life. Only unexplained nightmares which caused me to wake up sobbing were evidence that I had lost a child to adoption. However, once I knew my son was searching for me, all my feelings of love, loss and longing for him rushed to the surface and nearly decimated me. He became real to me only when I knew his name, met him and discovered that our connection still existed. I discovered how much nature had influenced who he was. Then it finally hit me with full force all the years of his life that I had missed. His first smile, the first wobbly step he took, the first date he experienced - the list of "firsts" I had missed in the life of my son were endless. Other birth parents I have met have experienced similar awakeningsӔ and when the moment of truth occurs, the pain is excruciating, sobering and unrelenting. Only the joys of reunion, I believe, have allowed me to survive finally facing up to the loss of my first son, and allowed some healing to begin. For some birth parents, denial was not an option for them. They spent every day after the birth and relinquishment of their children loving, longing for and mourning for them. For others, thoughts of their children may not have consumed every day, but when those moments did come, the intensity of the pain of their loss was powerful and sometimes debilitating. Most of them expected to heal after a time and go on with their lives, but many found the healing never came and the pain only intensified as years drifted by. Some went on to have other children as they were told that they would; others never did. Many were plagued with health problems, relationship issues and a whole assortment of crippling problems which, if not caused exclusively by losing a child to adoption, at least were exacerbated by the loss. For many birth parents, it was quite a shock to find that relinquishing a child was not the magic bullet many were promised! Relinquishing a child was supposed to be a tolerable solution; the pain was supposed to subside and our lives were destined to be "better" because we had done the right thingӔ. I believe that was the case for some few who were able to go on with their lives, go on to have more children, finish interrupted plans and be at peace with their decision. Unfortunately, for the majority of us, relinquishing a child did not turn out the way we were promised or thought it would. For most of us, the enormity of losing a child to adoption sentenced us to a lifetime full of regret, longing and sadness. Even those of us who managed to go on with our lives and lead productive, relatively content lives, always lived with a nagging sense of something in our lives not being "quite right". For many, there was a persistent sadness which kept creeping up despite all the other blessings in their lives. For me personally, only when the true scope of my loss came to the surface at the time of reunion and I finally faced the true enormity of the loss of my son, did any healing begin. Not even reunion though has the ability to erase the past and heal the loss of a child, but it is a good place to start. Reunion is no panacea for the loss of a child, but it does have some ability to bring some peace and resolution. For me personally, the joy of reunion gave me the strength to endure the startling loss that I finally acknowledged. So my ultimate response to the question, Why doesnӒt time heal my adoption wounds? is this: Time sometimes eases and lessens the pain of adoption loss, but some deep scars never fade completely. Losing a child to adoption is one hurt that even time cannot magically heal. It is a myth that losing a child to adoption will ever stop aching completely - for most of us. Anyone considering relinquishing a child to adoption needs to be aware how losing their child will affect them (and perhaps their child) and their families for a lifetime - not just a short while, but forever. It came as a stunning revelation for those of us who believed that time would heal our wounds - and many felt betrayed by the falsity of the platitudes that we heard. "You will forget in time." "You'll have other children." (As if that makes up for the loss of a child - to have other children.) "You are doing the right thing." Or, that all time favorite, "Time heals all wounds." Time alone does not heal. Losing a child to adoption is a not an inconsequential event which one simply "gets over". The bond between parents and their children is not as easily ignored as some might have you believe. Therapy helps to heal; support groups can be useful, and reunion can aid in healing - but a loss is still just that. Some losses are too life-altering to ever completely dismiss and not be affected by them. Despite what anyone may counsel those who consider relinquishing a child to adoption, the loss of a child is one wound that never completely heals for most caring, family-loving individuals. My life is rich and full - with loving family and friends, but it will forever be marred to a degree by the loss of my first son to adoption. Unfortunately, for most birth parents, I think that is the norm; some are much more affected than others. Few, if any, actually waltz through losing a child as unscathed as we were led to believe that we would be. So, for any birth parents who feel that they have not "healed" from the loss of their child, you are not alone.