What does the adoptee bday mean to the birthmom

Though we're in an open adoption, my daughter's birthday is the hardest day of the year for me. I did not go to her second birthday because of how emotionally draining the first birthday was... and believe me, while I am grateful to have been there, with her, on that day, it was very, very draining. We're going this year and I'm expecting it to be another awful and hard day for me on that emotional level. I look forward to pictures and seeing her face light up with gifts but the day itself is attached to so much heartache.This is my experience.

I am in a very similar situation. My birthmom and I reunited a little over a year ago and have been together 6 times despite a 2,500 mile distance :) We were also together (she came to me...it was her first visit to my home) on my birthday last year, told me how special it was for us to be together, etc. and this year, we won't be together by her choice. Both of us have heavy schedules, but I know she could come out here if she really WANTED to. I'm thinking it is just too overwhelming, and perhaps she is just trying to "normalize" that day that has been so hard for her all these years. I keep wondering what is going to happen with our relationship...this past year has been very intense with almost constant contact, though we both go through periods of trying to distance ourselves emotionally (and then pointing out to the other one what we are doing and laughing about it later). I understand why you question it...but I seriously doubt that your mother's live-in daughter has anything to do with why she has sort of backed off and/or is not being with you on your birthday. Are things comfortable enough that you can honestly tell her how you feel and ask her where things stand with her? Perhaps she is just trying to "normalize" your reunion by becoming a bit more distant...or worrying that you need space yourself. She may not have any clue what you need from her or how you feel. Even my mother and I have miscommunications now and then even though we are so close. Jenna...I've been reading your posts...you are one strong woman, and I really admire you. I'll be thinking of you on Munchkin's birthday. Keep your chin up :)

Talk to your mom.I have no doubt that it ment a lot to your mother to spend your birthday with you last year. I can almost garentee that up until last year your birthday has been the hardest day of the year for her but in the ordinary world mothers don't travel out of town to see grown children on their birthdays every year so try not to look for a reason to be upset. My daughter all but stopped contact after reunion but it has given me great joy to send a card on her birthday for the last two years because I always wanted to all of her life. I now can picture her dressed up and going out to eat with her handsome husband while mother-in-law watches the kids and I feel better. While I ache to hear more from my daughter-( I only recieve e-mails when she sends a mass-mailing to everyone on her list and thank-you cards when I send gifts to the babies.) the son that I raised e-mails every week or two. He lives out of town. The step daughter that I raised/helped raise calls or e-ails every week or two- (every day if having boyfriend problems.) She lives out of state. The step-son communicates mostly with my husband aprox. once a month by e-mail. He is also out of town but lives closet of all. It seems like you are doing pretty well to me.

birthday is the hardest day .......for me......even though i could write my daughter a beautiful note i basically cry the whole day ......im usually a wreck and just wait for the day to be over...... this year was the hardest seeing as the adoptive parents are treating me ...... i just wept and prayed that God would take care of her and one day when the time is right .....we will be reunited .....

My son's birthday has always been a difficult day. It's like I want to go back and change the outcome. I want to have 35 year old strength and tell everyone naysayer to leave us alone. I want to have a second chance with him. This year - I met him a few hours before his birthday:) . He thanked me for "doing it right" - the meeting he meant. He shook my hand, and we got to talk for an hour. It was one of the best moments of my life. :) The next day, his birthday, was the only time in 18 years I have had a calm on his birthday. It seemed ok because he had just told me what he would be up to that day. Some of my family did not know I met him so my mom and brother kept calling that day asking me how I was doing. Since my parents were VERY instrumental in this adoption outcome, I did not feel like sharing him with them. I did not tell them I met him. I have since told my mom. She's still sort of clueless - apparently she called my other brother on my son's birthday asking him if he thought she should send him (birthson) a birthday card. :confused: I am hoping to have some meaningful experience next year on his birthday - with him. Right now, I am hoping I do this all right. I am scared if I send him too frequent e-mails he will think I am stalking, and if I send him too few, he will think I am not interested.

Obviously I'm not your bmom. However, as a bmom I can tell you that it is sometimes difficult for us to know what's the right thing to do with you. Are we being too pushy if we ask to see you more than once a year? Do you feel we are being intrusive if we ask you about yourself and your childhood years? Would you think us hypocrites if we told you we loved you and had thought about you every day since the day you were adopted and had hoped beyond all hope that, one day, we might meet you again and have some kind of relationship with you? When I told my son I loved him and had always done so, all he said was "I know you do." He didn't say that he had ever thought about me and longed to meet me - even though he was the one who made contact in the first place. When I was unable to contact him on his birthday, I sent him an email telling him that I hoped he didn't think that it meant I didn't care but that I was conscious that, if I called to the aparents house on that "special day", they might be upset. His reply was "I know you care but I was busy with my family and, by the way, my parents would not have minded if you had called" :confused: Then he wrote and told me he'd be too busy to talk to me for several months - but when I contacted him 6 weeks later, he replied immediately saying it was nice to hear from me. So.... you can see that it can be hard to know what is the right thing to do - or say, especially if your son/daughter then says or does something you find very hurtful and confusing. You often really long to take them in your arms and give them loads of kisses. You want to love them for all the years you never got the chance to do so. You want to say to the aparents "It's my turn now. Please let me have my child back, please!". Indeed, you want to say to the child "I love you" but you get scared. After all, will they back off? Will they be as cold and unemotional as my son was to me? Lots of adoptees do back off - especially after the magic 18 months - and lots are very cold and tell their bmom that she is not their mum and then blame her for the reunion going bad! I'm not saying that you did, but maybe you unintentionally said or did something that made your bmom think that you wanted her to back off a bit? Maybe someone told her that she should not bother you all the time because you already had a family and that she would be in the way? Or maybe she just thought that this is what you and/or your afamily wanted and was afraid to say or anything else in case she upset someone. I guess the only way you'll know is to be really brave and ask her. I do understand this is a big step and that you may well fear rejection if you do. But ask yourself, which is worse - not knowing or knowing where you stand, even if where you stand isn't what you really hoped for? I have tried to get my son to agree to a meeting so that I can sit down with him and ask him to his face about what he feels and what he wants but he keeps chickening out (perhaps he thinks I'm going to reject him?). Like you, all I want to know is where I stand. Like you, I would have liked to hear words of love and affection but, unlike you, my chances of actually hearing that from my son are much less than the chances of you hearing that from your bmom. Has it ever occurred to you that she too may be scared of rejection and that is why she doesn't say too much? After all, she wasn't allowed to love you before. You "disappeared" (ended up adopted) and she was left alone to suffer the loss - most likely without any help from anyone. I am just thinking that little said = lots of pain and fear in your bmom's case. Perhaps you are going to have to be the adult here and tell her how much you care and want her in your life and that, this time, you are not going away and you hope and pray that she too will not go away and that she feels the same about you. I do hope that this is the case for you. At any rate, you will never know unless you sit down and have a proper chat with her - preferably face to face. Who knows, you may well find out that this is what she is waiting for - your permission to love you as her child?