Sad times

m-mom, --- I'm sorry your going through rough times. My son was born late December so xmas was always a bitter sweet holiday for me. I can empathize with your situation. It is hard to always be the one to carry the relationship, but I think you'll be glad you put forth the effort when your son is at an age where he can share some of the resposibility. The first time he, himself contacts you for a visit will be unlike any other day you've ever known. I did not have the experience of an open adoption, but, I have been recently reunited with bson. He is 18 yrs old and he made first contact. It was the most exciting, frightening, joyous, nervous, day of my life. But, I wouldn't change it for the world. If you have rights to see your son, use them. I understand it can be exhausting, but he's worth it.

I am an adoptive mom, so I'm not sure if you'd want to hear from me. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in pain and I'm sorry it's so one sided. I feel that way sometimes. I am the one that always does the contacting and I never want to push hard or be a burden in anyway. I am the one that does the inviting and I am the one who hears ds ask, "is she coming, am I going to get to see her?" And then hold a sobbing child if she doesn't come.I'm not sure what to do about it. I am going to keep the invitations coming but at the same time, I'm not sure I need to tell ds we're inviting her unless I know she's definitely coming.I'm sending you a great big, huge cyber hug!((((((((((((((((:grouphug:))))))))))))))

You hit the nail on the head. I have definately been considering backing off from visits because sometimes i feel like a burden. You're right about when he starst to initiates visits himself, it will be so worth while. Sometimes it can be so draining! Thanks for the encouragment.

i'm not sure what to do either. I completly know what you're going through. One sided relationships are not fun. Thanks for the hugs, i needed them!

Good luck with your sons upcoming bday! I'm glad I could be of some help. I agonized for years, wishing I would have chosen open adoption. I just wanted to know what he looked like, what he was interested in, if we had anything in common. I'd hate to see you lose contact and regret it later. As hard as it is, keep in touch. You'll both be glad you did.

I'm an adoptive Mom my son will be turning 7 on Sept 15 (2 weeks from today). Is that the same b-day as your son? I'm actually sitting down right now trying to find the words to put onto paper to invite her to come meet us so we can get to know each other sometime around his birthday. I wrote her about 1 1/2 years ago explaining who we were and our story of how we got him and what he has been up to and everything. But she never wrote back. I know she receieved it but at the time she couldn't get passed the first couple paragraphs and gave it to her friend to read and hold onto for her....he wrote me back explaining that and telling me a little about her. Now I'm going to attempt to reach out to her again. I really hope she decides to come meet us. I'm so sorry your relationship has been hard to keep going, it alwya sseems that way either one person or the other carries the burden of making the calls, setting the plans etc. Please don't step back, keep on moving foreward, keep on asking and planning, your son needs you to stay active in his life. Don't give up!!!

I know how hard it is to be the one putting all the effort into a relationship, but for your son's sake, I hope you don't ignore his birthday. :)

oh my gosh! Yes, september 15th is my birthsons birthday, how ironic! He is turning eight. I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your sons birthmom. It sounds like she is grieving a great deal. I hope that she can soon have a role in your family. As for me, i will keep pushing on. I had him so young, at 17, and i'm just tired. I'm trying to do the right thing by him but sometimes i get discouraged. Honestly, i wonder if i never called again if they would make any attempt to have a relationship. I guess it's time to push my emotions aside and start birthday shopping :)

I would ask your agency to help you or tell the parents you would like to get together and suggest a date. They see him everyday, you need to tell them it would help you to have a visit, too. It's hard to have a relationship where all of the effort is put on me. All the phone calls, e-mails, visitation plans. I just wish it could be somewhat mutual So now it's birthday time and i have to think about all of this hurt that I would rather just ignore:mad:[/quote]

m-mom, Don't worry what they would do if YOU weren't the one keeping it together. Just be greatful YOU have the opportunity to see your son and YOU make sure you keep that relationship alive by doing your part. Even if you feel your doing 99% of the work. It's worth the effort and it WILL mean so much to your birthson that you made him a priority in your life. You will make one very special little boy feel so loved and make his little face smile!!! So go shopping and make some calls and set up some plans. Just remember that your son needs you and you are VERY important to him adn in his life. When you get to feeling down wondering where this realtionship would go if you didn't put the effort in....just think of his precious face and rememebr who your doing this for and how much he will feel so loved because of your efforts.

I did set up a visit this weekend with my sons grandma and cousin but his birthmom has refused to come. I've decided not to write her or send her things, i think it would be too painful for her at this time, So I'll just keep in touch with his grandmother until she decides she is ready make contact.

I am a birth mother, and I heard alarms as I read your message - I'll explain... I was browsing through here after another evening researching ways to make myself available to my adopted children (23 & 21). I had these two as a teenager, incapable of supporting even myself, so I did what I could for them by allowing them lives with homes and complete families. Not long after giving up the 2nd child I found drugs. I did not push for open adoption, I don't know that I even knew it existed at the time, but the next 17 years made it very obvious I did the right thing. I feel for any Afamily that would go through the trial of initiating visits that the bmom did not show up for. I say "Stop now." If the bmom isn't able to follow through with the opportunity to see that child - don't go out of your way any more. I spent many years in the same town as my family with the opportunity to see one child that my Mom maintained visits with and I will tell you - the shape I was in at the time, I did not want to be seen. I don't know the story behind your bmom's inconsistency, but it sounds like it would have sounded for any child I tried to maintain contact with during addiction. I would just love that child as if you are the only Mom he has - because if that's whats going on, you are. Show the loving protective instinct any parent who doesn't want to see that child hurt would. I have been clean and sober 6 years now, and have built a life for myself, two new children, and the one I had abandoned to her father that my Mom kept in contact with all those years ago. I pray that the ones I gave up find me someday. I also thank God they DIDN'T find me in the shape I was in for so many years. If addiction is an issue.... maybe explain it to the child that the Bmom is sick and that right now she needs to stay away. From experience, it was not that I didn't love those children, and every time that I sobered up for a short period of time I wanted to see them. Thank God for the restrictions of traditional adoption that kept me away so that they could grow up without the nightmare of me yo-yoing in and out of their lives - as, in my ignorance and self-absorption I am sure I would have. Now I have come to the realization that it is not my place to disrupt their lives- even as adults. I update information to keep the line open should they ever feel the desire to search me out. I look at it this way, if I gave them the security of a family and a home that I couldn't provide, who would I be to mess with that security. God knows it will be a joyous day for me when/if it finally happens, and I believe that God and another family have done for my children what I couldn't all those years. Open adoption sounds like a nightmare where the child is never really all the Afamilies' and has to deal with whatever trauma has left the Bmom unable to care for them. Is there anything you can do to stabilize that child's life?? I feel for you, and will pray for all children in that situation.

Quote "Open adoption sounds like a nightmare where the child is never really all the Afamilies' and has to deal with whatever trauma has left the Bmom unable to care for them. Is there anything you can do to stabilize that child's life?? I feel for you, and will pray for all children in that situation"I felt the need to address this comment, Not all birthmoms place because they are drug addicts, my bson had no "trauma" for his parents to "deal" with. I am sorry to hear that you feel that Open adoption doesnt allow the aparents to be a family, I do hope you will continue to read the forums here, you will find MANY open adoption stories that are working and benefiting all sides of the triad. GOod luck to you!

Forgive me. I am in recovery, and although it had nothing to do with the two that I gave up as a teenager, it was the primary factor in abondoning my now 18 year old daughter for 12 years, and another adoption 13 years ago. What I know about open adoptions I have gleaned from listening to a couple gals in 12-step programs who were unable to "get it together" and were continuing to see the adopted children on a very sporadic basis - regardless of the schedule, and with no thought to letting them get settled into a new family. I apologize, as I do not know enough about your situation to comment. I just feel strongly about protecting children - especially from people like, I see now, I was. I did also read some wonderful stories about open adoption that night, done by mature, loving women who truly cared about the safety and security of their babies. Cracks appear and openness continues to seep into my closed mind! Again, please forgive me and my hasty opinion. Best wishes to you and yours.