Advertisements
Ok, So I've been struggling for a long time now to have a healthy relationship with my daughters birthmom. We are finally at a much better place but it's taken almost 2 years of serious emotions/issues and stuff to be able to work through it all and be at the place we are right now in the relationship.
I just had a conversation with her last night that kinda got me a little irritated. She was talking about her ex-boyfriend the biological father of both my daughter and the daughter she is raising. She has said in the past how she always wanted her daughter to know who her father was cause she never knew who her Dad was and that was always hard for her.
I just thought it was very intersting how quickly she was willing to get him out of her daughters life. When I asked her if she worried that her daughter might feel the same as she did and wish she knew him she said that when she's older she can find him if she wants. (her reasons for not wanting him to be a part of her life...and the things she was judging him on are the same exact things she was struggling with the whole time my daughter was in fostercare...drug related stuff...I mean the same reason my daughter was even brought into fostercare...cooking drugs)
things like "well he loves dope more than anything else in his life" well, she was on drugs for the first 2 years I had my daughter in my home and long before that? I would never question her love or wether she loved her enough...love and addiction are two seperate things.
I guess it just bothers me that I've worked so hard to keep her in my daughters life because I thought it would be important for my daughter and because I knew she loved her...regardless of whatever problems she had in her own life. Yet she is so quick to pass judgement on him and to say ....well when my daughters grown up she can go find him if she wants.
I don't know it just kinda felt like a blow to me....I mean why did I try so hard and have my life in an uproar for the past 2 years...trying to stay in contact? Why couldn't I blow her off that easily? I'm glad I didn't and yes she was trying that whole time to better her life...where as bio-dad is doing nothing to change his life around at this point.)
It's not like I have any place to judge seeing that I don't trust him enough to ever develope a relationship with him for my daughters sake. I always figured her birthmom would stay in contact with him and keep us updated and stuff...but now that is not happening. I don't know it just felt so wierd to hear her cast so much judgement on him and to throw out that relationship between him and his daughters so quickly.
Like
Share
Mom2- I definitely see your point. I have wondered where bfathers are in open adoptions. It seems that here I've only heard stories of relationships with bmothers. The bfather of my triplets has seen them once. He didn't want to agree to the adoption, but he knew he couldn't care for the babies, and didn't contest it. I promised to send him pics on their birthday and give them all the information they need to get in contact with him when they are older and if they want to. He seems like a decent man with a lot of demons. (Don't we all have them, though) He has three children who live with their respective mothers. He rarely sees or talks to them. I saw that he was proud of his part of bringing my boys into the world. He gave me a pic of his sons for them, and took many pics of them. I know he would like to be involved in their lives, and dh and I are trying to figure out just how much and how/when to do it. I have known several people who have adopted, none of whom have had open adoptions. I think that's because my church has an adoption program and they encourage nothing more than letters and pics. This was always the way I imagined my adoption to be, but given that my sister is the bmother, that isn't feasible (nor is cutting her out of our lives what I want). Given that we have, by default, an "open" adoption with her, it doesn't make sense to be "closed" to the bfather, who has an interest in maintaining contact. Of course, I do not know if that is wise or possible, as the bfather was only clean for about two months when the babies were born, and I have no idea if he still is.
Advertisements
This perfectly illustrates the point I was trying to get across on another thread yesterday. Here is a biological family raising a child together. Mom is fed up that Dad won't kick the dope and sees that his choice is potentially damaging to the child. She kicks him to the curb because his behavior is damaging to the good of the family. Chances are, Mom's choice in telling him to hit the bricks is commendable to people privy to her situation...she is putting the welfare of her child first.
Now...when an adoptive family is faced with the same situation because a member of their child's biological family is exhibiting damaging behavior which could be/is detrimental to the child, they are often not treated with the same understanding. If they talk of stopping contact, they are often told how unfair and hard-hearted they are being.
Why is this? Why is it okay to distance oneself from a parent in a bio family but not in an adoptive family? I just don't get it.
It's too easy to uphold one set of standards for a biological family and a whole separate set for an adoptive family. I see it often when reading the various forums and message boards, and I am really trying to understand. Maybe Dad had issues he was trying to work on...but does that mean it was Mom's place to rehab and counsel him? Especially when he didn't CHOOSE to get clean? I don't think so. And neither do I think it is the place of an adoptive parent to be expected to rehab and counsel the birth parent.
Don't even know if this makes good sense...
JMO.
~Deb
RiverGirl-
Exactly!!! Yet when a biological parent decides that well then "it must be in the best interest of the child." But as an adoptive parent making a decision like that then I'm not "considering the needs of my child". Or I don't have enough compassion for the birthmom or something is "supposedly" wrong with me. Or well someday "you'll have to explain to the child why you couldn't handle dealing with the birthparents grief, anger, sadness etc...and all the fault would be on the adoptive parent rather than the birthparent who acted inappropriately.
I'm not really judging my daughters birthmom and I'm not mad at her or anything. I mean I do think she is making the right choice for her daughter. It's the same choice I made concerning him. I DO NOT want him in my childs life.
I guess my "irritation" just has to do with how easy it is for a biological parent to make that decision and to not be judged because of it....yet as an adoptive parent everything is called into question, even our own integrity and ethics if we have to make a choice like that.
Why the double standard?
Again, I am very GREATFUL I did stick it out this long and were finally seeing the fruit of our labours and developing a good relationship, but that has only happened once I had had ENOUGH and decided to cut off all direct contact and only mail her once a year. She finally was forced to either hang onto those negative feelings and loose contact with her daughter or let it go and work for a more healthier relationship...I'm glad she did choose to keep working and I'm glad I have too.
I just wish I didn't have to feel so judged in the process. I wish I could have recieved the same kind of support and validation as bio-parents making those choices for their children.
but aside from that... I'm kinda frustrated how she could be so judgemental of him....when she was in the same position herself. How she can judge him for living the same lifestyle they both lived ALL their lives even when they were little with such little compassion.
How she can say "he loves dope more than anyhting else and he'll never change"...when she herself choose dope instead of getting her daughter back....yet i would never question her love for her daughter.
How she can not see ....how close she came to being in that same position of me having to say "well someday if my childs wants contact she can find her when she is older."
how she can say "I don't see why everyone says it's hard to quite dope it was easy for me"..... maybe she forgot the first year and a half of her daughter being in fostercare and how she couldn't choose dope over her daughter. Or for the next few months after she signed when it consumed her world. It wans't until she moved out of state and completely away form that situation, friends and everything else that she was able to quite. YEt it was "easy" for her?
How she can say "he'll never change."...when she herself is proof that people can change.
I guess I'm just bothered at how quickly she can pass judgement on him and say how undeserving he is.
I wonder what would have happend had I shown her that same amount of compassion she is showing him? I probably would have never even had one visit with her after her rights were terminated. Because at the time she was clearly choosing drugs above her daughter. She was no different than him....they were both using drugs and both living that lifestyle?
I guess I just don't understand how she ....coming fromt he same position as him....could be so uncompassionate for him and his situation and how freely she is ready to dispose of him and call him worthless and stuff.
Advertisements
Total double standard, I agree.....It comes from perceptions that adoptive parents are not the "real" or "natural" parents. I seem to remember the judge at the finalization though telling me that I had all the rights and responsibilities that a biological parent has (not that i needed a judge to say it for it to be true!).
And another HERE HERE!! YES! It is exactly like this.
RiverGal
Now...when an adoptive family is faced with the same situation because a member of their child's biological family is exhibiting damaging behavior which could be/is detrimental to the child, they are often not treated with the same understanding. If they talk of stopping contact, they are often told how unfair and hard-hearted they are being. Why is this? Why is it okay to distance oneself from a parent in a bio family but not in an adoptive family? I just don't get it. It's too easy to uphold one set of standards for a biological family and a whole separate set for an adoptive family.