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This is so hard for some reason....
I've already spoken with my son's Grandma about getting tgether for the first time in a couple weeks and have asked her to speak to her daughter (birthmom) about hopefully coming as well. Grandma sounds really excited.
The thing is I really feel I should write her myself and personally invite her. But I am at a loss for words and can't figure out what to write.
Last time I wrote her(it was my first contact with her) I wrote her this long letter explaining who we were, how we came to adoption and how our son came to us, how he picked out his new name (has both his first and last name in his new name) and what he's been up to and just everything.
About a month later after sending it I recieved a letter back from a close friend of hers that was their when she got it, he said she could only get through the first couple paragraphs before becoming to upset she had him read it but then didn't want to know what it said. She asked him to hold it until she could read it. Well, it's been a year and a half later and I haven't heard anymore about it from her or him.
So I'm nervous in how to approach her. Or if I should just leave it up to the grandma to invite her and see what happens?
I was also preparing a letter with updates and pictures that I was going to send to her by the end of next week, so she'll get it around his birthday (again not knowing if she would even look at it or not...or respond to it).
I'm scared for some reason. I really hope she'll come but doubt she will. I really hope she'll opne that package adn want to see what he's been up to....but I'm also afraid...maybe it's not for the best. I mean I wrote the first letter, I opened the door. Should I just wait until she contacts me? I don't want to hurt her anymore or cause her any pain or sets her back in her healing. What if my letter does both. What if she just wants NO contact? I think I'd rather leave it undetermined and hopeful than hear her say NO...I don't want contact. I'm just scared.
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From what I understand of the situation, if I were in your shoes I'd let Grandma invite her and see what happens. You're probably right that she may not be ready/able to meet in person, but at least the invitation will be extended. I'd probably hesitate as well at sending another letter, but you certainly could write it anyway and save it. If she feels that she would like more contact in the future, you will have a little "time capsule" ready and waiting.
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Maybe you could get that letter and pictures together and give them to the grandmother to give to her when she's ready to see them. I agree that she may not be ready or able right now. You've just got to respect that and hope that someday she will be able to accept updates with photos and/or a meeting.
ok so i just got off the phone earlier today with the grandma again she was soooo nice. She said that she did talk with her daughter and that she won't be able to make it this time. She doesn't feel ready for that. She said her husband (grandpa) also doesn't feel comfortable with it so we will just be meeting with her and my sons cousin that she is raising. Which I am happy about. Infact that kinda settles my nerves a lot because I already feel so comfortable with her just from our phone conversations.
She also said her daughter is still very much an alchoholic and deals with most things by just placing them out of her mind. Like if she doesn't think about my son than to her it's like he doesn't exist. I told her I understand. Because I do, I can only imagine how hard it would be to loose your son....but also how hard it would be to acknowledge not only that he exists but that she also lost him. So i do understand.
But this news is very depressing to me. I had plans of writing her a brief update each year and sending her some pictures and continuing to invite her to contact us when she feels ready. hoping that at least she would look at them and think fondly of him or maybe one day choose to make contact. But now I just feel like maybe I should just let it go. If this is how she gets by and can live everyday by pretending like he never exisited and putting him out of her mind...well, I really don't want to make it harder on her.
But more than that it really breaks my heart for my son. I can't imagine how hard that will be for him. what if she always feels this way? What if even as a young adult when/if he decides he'd like to meet her or talk to her she refuses and acts as though he never exisited. Oh it just breaks my heart so bad. How could she do that to my son? OUCH =0( i can only imagine what that will do to him. I can hear his cries and see his tears in his eyes from times in the past when my daughter has recieved letters and stuff from her birthmom and he cries and wonders why his birthmom won't write him and wether she loves him or not. I swear this totally breaks my heart.
At least it seems he will have his grandma and cousin....to help him feel connected to his first family.
But WOW....I can't imagine how hard it will be for him when he does realize the truth someday about his birthmom. I hope things change by then....I hope and pray he doesn't have to go through that pain of knowing his birthmom doesn't even awknowledge that he exists. That is just so sad. I wish there was a way to protect him from that pain.
Maybe I can. Maybe I can just let him know the realiy that she can't handle contact and may never be able to. rather than "hopefully some day she will" which will only set him up for hurt feelings and false hopes.
I think I will just have all contact through the grandma for now and in the future until his birthmom feels ready and asks for contact as well, if that day ever comes. Maybe it is for the best.
I just can't see sending her ANYTHING....after hearing what her mother has said. I think it will just be more painful to her and she probably wouldn't look at it anyways, if what she's said is correct.