Societys Role in Adoption

I've never heard or read of adoptees being considered "illegitimate." It was heard more often in my childhood (1950's to 1970's), but it always referred to children being raised by unwed mothers without benefit of legal paternity. Adoptees had legal paternity (and married parents, back then) so the term just didn't apply to them. Adoptees' origins were rarely common knowledge. I suppose it might be presumed by some that most adoptees were born illegitimate but it isn't always true. I really hope we are long past the time when such a label would be a lifelong stigma, real or perceived. My daughter was born legitimate (of legally wed parents) and remains legitimate (the legal child of legally wed parents); but, thankfully, it doesn't matter a bit anymore. DeeCee:)

I'm a reunited adoptee... born in the '50's... I can tell you that society's message to adoptees was that we were indeed "illegitimate" and were lucky to have been given legitimacy with our adoption....Adoption was something that wasn't supposed to be talked about... there was secrecy which led to shame....I found out as an adult at a high school reunion that two other classmates that I'd known since Kindergarten had also been adopted but had been told NOT to talk about it.. I DID announce it proudly on the playground in Kindergarten ... but when I was made fun of... and teased because of it... they realized that their parents were right.......that it WASN'T something that should be talked about....The messages back then were clear... I'm SO glad that society has changed since then.. and hopefully no other adoptees will have to deal with that sort of message..... sal

Sal,I hear you. The labels given by society towards the NM ( Natal Mothers) and children were horrendous.I was SURE to affect them in their daily lives and some never, I'm sure got over it.Thank heavens we have gotten past this, or have we?dmca

I agree that societal dictates from the past made it very difficult for adoptees. I was thinking one day how much things have changed. But then I remembered my birth first cousins. It is something I try not to think about as it upsets me even though it happened 2 years ago and I have posted about this before. I found my birth first cousins and I was so excited. One of them was too as it turned out that they had never had any cousins that they had known about on either side of their family. The happiness didn't last long. The oldest first cousin decided along with 3 of the others not to "acknowledge" my bsibs and me as no one had known that grandmother had given a baby (my bmom) up for adoption. She spoke of not being able to think about her grandmother as having had a bastard! So have things really changed? For some people, I guess not. But they are the ones with the closed minds and they are the ones missing out! Snuffie

That's so sad, snuffie.The terms bastard, unwed mothers, illegitimate children are part of my generation, usually.The stigma followed not only the Natal Mother but the poor innocent children ( as witnessed by the poster above).The term" dirty little secret" that I have seen used by adoptees searching and maybe even found is explained by this attitude by society, no?I'll be lots of older NM's still suffer from the belief that they are less than entitled to normal human rights in all areas of their lives. We lived this and felt it deeply.We hid everything and didn't speak of it again, and some will NEVER be able to speak of it.Even our families couldn't or wouldn't help because they too learned from society and this is a "crime that is not in the criminal code". Simply unspeakable and not to be countenanced.I'm sure some of the older mothers have thought about the children they relinquished and anguished over the terms " bastard" and "illegitimate" , knowing that the innocent will also suffer and WE ARE TO BLAME. Remember back then, the men were NOT blamed, only the women.I wonder how many even told their husbands if they married after the fact? I'll bet lots of them kept that secret and with good reason.I don't see any use in getting angry or whatever at society, after all, it's not one person, but, people in general and a product of ??? not sure what.religion? legends of the purity of womankind?oh well. Not many posts for women my age and older. Just wondering how they are coping and how and when and IF they ever got over it and the children if THEY got over it and howdmca

dmca, not sure when you were but I was born in 73. It was never spoken about in my family and the questions I may have had growing up were never allowed to be raised, it was a tabooed subject, and even in my adoptive family today, it is extremely diffucult to raised the topic. I found my bmum 15 yrs ago and when I did I can kind of remember some of her friends being amazed that she had a an illegimate child and those friends grew apart from her. That was back in 91, 92. SO ithink society still have a big roll to play in the way people feel and think about the whole adoptiopn triangle. Christina

I just remembered something, I can remember maybe when was 11 or 12, I was at my cousins place and we were out the back mucking around and the parents were inside. I told my cousins I was adopted and they were shocked, it wasn't until I was in the car on my way home which was a 2 hr drive, that my amum got fair up me because I told the girls that, and how was my aunt and uncle suppose to explain it to them. It was so tense and horrible that whole trip home. I can believe I just remembered that. Christina

I know that certain terms within our adoptions scare members of our families. Mostly the ones who are older and have an inbread fear of the birth families. When I mentioned to my MIL that I was going to invite Bug's aunt to his adoption ceremony, she FREAKED out, and I mean that with every capital letter I wrote! When she learned that we have an open adoption agreement with Bear's mother, it was the same. We have really had to make her realize that these birth families are not monsters, but real people who really DO love these children. We have also had to teach her to accept that these babies DO have a family outside of our own. Although our family members practically brag about us being adoptive parents, and are SO proud of the boys, I think there is a bit of shame, or sense that we are SO wonderful because we "saved" these boys. It almost makes me angry because it was not ME who saved them, THEY saved me! I am very happy that I was led down the path to adoption and I will not attach any stigma to myself, my boys, or their families. I only wish these beliefs were not some that had to take so many years to evolve.

I was born in 69 and can remember as a young kid sitting down with my dad, they always told me I was adopted, and asking him about the terms illigitimate and bastard...I am not sure why I asked him, if someone had used this terminology to me or what, but I remember very clearly telling me that the children should never be labeled for the deed of the parent(s). At 4 or 5 that made me feel better but I still carried those terms in my head whenever the subject of me being adopted was broched. As an adult I understand my fathers words and am glad to see that now you rarely hear those words associated with single unwed parents...or maybe they do and I am just sticking my head in the sand.. Unfortunately I still feel like with all of the other social issues that face us on a daily basis, that adoption is NEVER a subject that is put out there for discussion as is teenage pregnancy, abortion, drugs etc.. I can tell you from my perosnal experience that my birthmother did not tell her spouse (not my bfather) of my existence nor any of her family even to this day 4 motnhs after we have reunitied. And I am quite sure that it has much to do with the stigmata that she was shamed for being 20, single, and pregnant and that she carried that shame to this day. I tell her on a consistant basis that I am proud or her and that she made the most difficult choice so that I could have better. And for that she will always have my utmost respect..

I got over worring about public opinion while I was still pregnant in1970. I had more important things to worry about. I would like to ask my daughter if she suffered but right now she is not wanting to talk.

My pregnancy was in the late 70's and given how 'the times had changed' (maybe for some) I wasn't prepared for the reactions I received... my mother parking the car almost into the backyard so I'd not be seen by neighbors while going in through the back door only (she actually said I'd thank her some day... [never did] ); the priest who told me I should not even think of keeping my baby who 'wouldn't have a father'; the employers (an older couple) who fired me when the pg became obvious, and all those I went to hoping for some kind of help or support but was turned away cold. I encountered an almost continuous flow of spoken or unspoken disapproval. I was surprised when I found out my son felt shame in being adopted. I thought adoption was supposed to 'remedy' all that. But he had so much shame... more than he would have had staying with a single mother, I believe. I told him I wasn't ashamed of him, I loved him. He told this to his amom, and she told him that I "should be ashamed". I had no idea of many of the issues adoptees face until meeting him as an adult. I think if I had known some of these things, this would have given me 'ammunition' to take a stand... that maybe this wasn't necessarily the best for him. ...I didn't know. I feel I was given only misinformation and disinformation. No internet yet to read more than one view.

I think a lot of women get branded with names when they have illegitimate births. I think those names can be very scareing. But the thing is, they have to live with those names for nine months. They may have to see the same people and those people may know about it, but if they wanted to, they could escape from glaring eyes. When your adopted, in most cases, there is no doubt about it, wherever you go, on vacation, out to dinner, just by surveying the table one can notice who is sticking out from the group. I personally cant tell you how many times i have been at a restaurant and been put on the family who joined us tab. Also, its obvious your mom doesnt one day not have a baby and the next have one, there has to be a 9 month period for it to be legitamite. Then once all your parents friends know, and then one day their kids will ask them and soon everyone else knows, you can't hide from it. That is till your old enough to move out and be financially stable and move away. Which will probably take 23 years. And the connection will probably still remain. So no matter what being an outsider, different, "illigitamate", not wanted sticks.:eek: