Mixing open and closed adoption in family

We have an open adoption agreement with Bear's family. We have no contact at all with Bug's parents. We DO, have an informal arrangement with his aunt however...nothing legally binding. What I find different is that we have 4 kids all together with my step daughters. The aunt accepts ALL the kids and says she would love to be Aunt (name) to all of them. She is barely making it on her own with her 4 kids, but she ALWAYS thinks of all 4 kids. Now Bear was the last of the 4 and his bio family KNEW from the begining we had 3 other kids. They act as though he is the ONLY child in the house. Not just in buying things...because I don't expect them to buy things for all the kids, but in the way they are treated and talked to. It is weird to me. They have made my oldest s-daugher feel so outcast that she calls them "the biologicals"...she is 11 and at an age where she really feels and senses the difference. I am more comfortable with the informal essentially "closed" relationship than I am with the formal open adoption we have. I just hope as the boys get older it is not something that comes between them. I have seen it happen with my s-daughters and their older half sister who does not have a father figure in her life. It is sad really.

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. We would so much like to add to our family but fear (rightfully or not, I don't know) there would be some resentment from our first because of all of his unanswered questions. Especially if the 2nd has the "answers" and has contact with her biological family. I'm just not sure how to address the inequality of the two adoption scenarios. You have given me some food for thought. Thanks, Cheryl

[Our adoption was closed. We adopted a baby daughter 18 years ago. When our daughter was 17 she asked us if we would help her locate her bfamily. She was crying and said she felt like she had been left on the side of the road. This did hurt, but after she explained, I tried to understand. We did locate the bmom and bgrandparents. They are a part of our life now. It has been great. We have had cookouts. We have enjoyed short trips together. My daughter has spent overnight trips with the bgrandparents and bmom. My daughter and I traveled to Alaska to meet the bmom and my daughter stayed a week with the bmom. I was alone when she was staying with the bmom. I took a cruise and traveled on the Alaskan Railroad. I did cry when I was looking out the window of the train. I thought to myself, God this is so beautiful but I can't enjoy it because I am so worried that my daughter will love her bmom more than me. People in the train would stare at me like I must be the strangest person in the world to cry over the beautiful landscape. I would take walks and start crying. I remember seeing the manager of the hotel watching me from a window. I must have seemed like a crazy person to the people at the hotel. I remember sitting in the dining area of the hotel and I looked at the ocean. I started to cry. I prayed to God that if only my mother was alive, I wish I could call her. I started to sob. I looked out the window and a ship was coming into the port next to the hotel. The name on the ship was Aurora. I was raised in Aurora, Texas. I believe God was trying to tell me that my mother was always with me and it was going to be ok. It is ok. The closed adoption being opened is a good thing. :wings: quote=cfredsal]Has anyone built their adoptive family with both open and closed adoptions? What is/has been the effect on the children, particularly the child through closed adoption? Our son came to us through a closed adoption scenario, and now we are looking to expand our family through open adoption. We are looking for any advice, real life situations, good or bad, to consider before we continue. We would love for our son to have a sibling and need to weigh in the effect an open adoption may have on him.[/quote]

AS a bmother I use to see my bchild's asiblings - who have little or no contact with their bfamilies - until they realised that they were missing out on contact with their bfamilies and got upset about it. AS a result I have never seen my bchild's asibs since. It was easier for the afamily to kick me out of the situation and have separate visits with my bchild. It really hurt for a long time.

Banjo, are you saying that you don't see your bchild anymore because his/her asibs had a problem with the fact they they didn't have a similar relationship with their bparents? If that's the situation, it's inexcusable and I'm shocked. How unfair to you and your child. We have a totally closed relationship with our eldest son's bparents (not our choice), and a totally open one with our youngest's bmom and family. I wish that H had what E has, tangible knowledge of his first family's love for him, access to answers to his questions, etc. I'm also extremely proud and grateful that K and her family have taken H to their hearts and always acknowledge him when sending gifts for E by including something for him as well. They are wonderful. I wish everyone could have a bfamily like theirs in their achild's life. H hasn't really been really curious about his roots. Perhaps in the future he wonder why his bparents aren't in the picture. Right now I think he's happy that K recognizes him as her son's big brother, and that's enough for him. So, in summary, I must say that having two different situations, one closed and one open, hasn't been a problem for us yet. Quite the opposite, really. We'll see what time brings.

My Someone, I'm just wondering if I'm worrying too much about the inequity. Did you have the same thoughts before you adopted your second son? If so, what resources, advise, etc... helped you to go forward with the adoption? Thanks for your response! Cheryl

We have four adopted children. Only the baby is a truly open adoption, although I have contact with our 7 yr. old's birthmom and our daughter has spoken to her on the phone and they write so that is also considered open, but she has not (re)met our daughter. It has been an issue with our oldest son, age 9, who has some strong feelings about not even having a photo of his birthmother. Also, I, a-mom, am caucasian and our children are black and biracial so I do feel very sad that our very sensitive son does not even have a photo of his biomom. I know that it is difficult for him when he hears that his sister's birthmom has called or when our baby's birthmom visits. I know he feels how much we love (adore) him but I think it will always cause some difficult feelings in him. I continue to try to open the adoption with his birthmom, or with her extended family, in the hope that one day he will feel the comfort of knowing how much they truly do love him. My gut is that his birthmother just cannot handle that she placed her precious boy 9 years ago at this point in her life. So I tell him, over and over again, how special she is, how she COULD NOT parent (any of her children) at the point he was born and that she thought she was doing the right thing by placing him with a family that she hoped could do better for him. There are always issues in adoptions, open or closed. It is not the perfect answer for any woman to have to choose to place her baby at a time when she feels she cannot parent but, at times, it may be her only hope for her child. Be strong as a family, whether you choose open or closed adoption, and your child will grow to respect himself and those that have given him life and those that have given him a forever family. Josie

Cheryl I am so sorry it has taken so long to reply to your post. Monday, my 6-yr-old got tubes in his ears to remedy his ongoing infections, and I'm VERY behind in many areas of my life. Honestly, I didn't worry that much about the probable inequity in our two adoption scenarios. I guess I was too busy worrying about everything else. For instance, I was worried if we were doing the right thing by adopting again, whether we'd ever be chosen, if the baby would be fussy, if we were too old to handle another infant, if my older son would feel neglected, etc. etc. ETC!!!! I must say that ALL these concerns evaporated once E was placed with us. There were many days, especially as we approached our informal "deadline" for waiting for a second child, that I really thought it wasn't meant to be. But a month shy of giving up, we were chosen. Our agency offered us a lot of education about the range of open situations that might come to us. I came to realize that there would likely be differences in our children's relationships with their first families even if H's adoption had been open. I guess I would liken it to "in-law" relationships. Some sisters-in-law take a more active role in our kids lives than others. Some are distant, some are involved. All are there. All love our kids, but in different ways. Another thing I realize is that we are still on the fringe of the openess issue being something our sons even acknowledge. As I said, H hasn't expressed interest in his adoptive roots yet (although he did once note that he must have gotten his big muscles from his birthfather - sorry, hubby!). Maybe it's a boy thing. We've yet to get deeply into questions about his birth parents, but knowing E's first family might just spark his interest. I guess in summary I would say that I wasn't preoccupied with the fact that H's adoption experience would be vastly different than that of his new sibling. I feel many things play themselves out over time, and I guess this issue fell into that catagory for me. Thanks for your interest in our experiences! I'm so glad to share them with you! Donna

Although both our situations are open adoptions, the openness probably will be different in each. We have already had three visits (I would love more) with Bug's first family, including her First Mom, Sisters and grandparents. We have some amazing pics of her with them that even if, as it is right now, sadly, we aren't able to have lots of contact in the future. In Roo's case, his First Mother seems to have already decided she doesn't want contact in that all efforts by us to communicate have not been answered. We haven't seen her or heard from her except for a couple of letters and one phone call since his birth a little over 3 months ago. I would love of picture of Roo with his First Mom and bio brother. So I can see how the differences in even how open adoptions can affect each child, esp if one has more contact with their first family than another. There are no guarantees even in an open adoption that the relationship will work out, even with your best efforts. I commend you for asking the question, but if you feel this is right for your family, it may be a situation where you have to deal with it as it comes.

I thank everyone for their comments! They have been very helpful. Our son came to us as a donated embryo, so there will never be any information on his biological family or contact with them. We may be being too protective and therefore could potentially deny him a sibling. We would love to add another child to our family and I like what you said Josie, about building a strong, loving family. We can offer so much to both children, and they would both add so much to our family, that it would be a shame to not proceed. Tammy, you're right, we'll probably have to deal with the closed adoption regardless of what we decide and should be prepared for it. Again, everyone has been so helpful! Thanks for sharing your stories with me. Cheryl

My someone, I do still see my bchild but not as often as of course it is more difficult for the aparents to arrange visits - someone has to care for their other children plus as children get older their weekends get busy etc. I use to think of the afamily's other children as being like nieces and nephews and that's why it hurt when contact with them ended. But now I have accepted the situation and I don't want to go back to how it was. It also made me feel even more like how being a birthmother was bad. Just me being in their lives hurt their other children so it was easier to make me go away. Imagine any other situation in your life where you would just have to suck that up? Yet another example of how dsyfunctional adoption is for everyone.

I hadn't planned on this, but it looks like we have one open adoption and one closed one. I had wanted 2 fully open adoptions but given a difficult situation with the younger one's bmom, openness is just not to be. Thanks for starting this thread. Its helpful to read that others are going through this as well. Our kids are very young (toddler and baby) so we'll have to see how this plays out for each of them as they grow.