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I know I was kind of a schmuck this year because I did not do anything for b-mom for Mother's Day. For one, she was/is in an in-patient treatment center and unable to accept mail from people who are not on her contact list. But, bio-grandma contacted me about a week before Mother's Day to give me her address at the center. For another, we were right in the middle of moving, and further more we got the keys to our new house at 8:45pm and DH was scheduled for major surgery at 6:00am the following morning. After this he was laid up for 3 weeks while I completed the move...and watched the kids to boot. So, yes, I screwed up on Mother's Day...but I have sent her letters and pictures since. Anyway, I received a letter from her today...it was actually written to "Bear". It stated to please have your picture taken in the outfit I bought you so that I can see how you look in it. She also "reminded" him that her b-day was on 9/XX and she would be 16! OK about the outfit...easy enough to do, but really not exactly easy to remember when I am running after 2 little guys all day long. I will, however, remember the next time he is wearing it to take a pic. But, the comment about her b-day?? Maybe I am taking it wrong. Maybe it is just her age? I don't know. I just feel like I am being made to feel obligated to do something for her b-day. Yes, we have an open adoption agreement. But I do not recall anything that said we needed to celebrate b-mom's milestones in life. I know that sounds bitter, but...except for my Mother's Day screw up (which I didn't even get so much as a card myself because of the chaos)...we have gone beyond the open adoption agreement. This despite the fact that she has done nothing to keep up her end. Maybe part of my frustration is the way Bear's family acts toward the rest of our kids. (we just had a visit recently) They just kind of say "hi" in passing and run over the top of them to get to him. They don't even acknowlege them as Bear's siblings. They are just "the girls and Bug". I realize HE is their bio family, but I will not have a rift between my kids because of this. The girls already feel it and have made comment. Probably because they are "the girls" and they don't even bother calling them by their names. So, what would you do? Do you send your b-mom a b-day card? I mean I didn't even know her b-day was this month until I got the letter. I mean I knew from his file, but I did not memorize it or mark it on a calendar.
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I am confused, what do you mean that during an adoption ceremony you and DH are the only ones who had to swear to uphold it? What was the adoption "ceremony" that took place before a judge?
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"I am all for setting boundaries, but I am also for showing a little human compassion.[/QUOTE]
A "little" human compassion!!! Maybe you have not been following my story. If you have you would know that I have had an overwhelming amount of compassion for my daughters birthfamily and at times it's the only thing that has held our relationship together.
But through that difficult start to our realtionship I have learned that it is much better to have a warm, stable relationship with consistancy than one that burns real hot and cold. By giving more than one possibly can and then becoming discouraged/resentful because the other side is not doing their part.....when the relationship was supposed to be "for the benefit of the child".
I'm sure everyone's story is different. But just because I suggest doing what she has aggred to until the birthmom is older and more mature or more involved (and ready for a relationship) doesn't mean I am not thinking she should be shown a "little" compassion.
By keeping her agreement she is showing her love and compassion and building that trust for a future relationship (even if that relationship stays on the terms of the "agreement" someday hopefully the birthmom will be ready to start communicating more and doing her part and when she is....the amom will be there and the quality of their relationship will be much better.
Besides it's not a matter of just sending "a" birthday card once a year. Add that to everything she has already agreed to do as well as the other stuff she is doing on top of that, that has already went above the agreement she made.
I think whatever she does will be fine for her and her situation. But she shouldn't be made to feel like she has no compassion for her childs birthmother just because she is a little resentful of everything she already does in the relationship when so little is being done to really "benefit" her child.
I should also say...I really don't think b-mom actually WANTED the open adoption. She and Bear were both in a foster home together. She asked tht he be placed in an adoptive home because she wanted to be a kid. When b-gma found out about it (a math addict herself) she flipped! She told b-mom that if she thought she was going to be welcome in her house without bringing the baby, she was WRONG! Hence the reason b-mom ran away from 3 foster homes and was out of the picture for about 9 months. I think the whole open adoption was to appease the g-ma. But, that is just my opinion given what I have seen, read, and heard. I actually think b-mom would be happy just going on as if it never happened. Not to be rude or spiteful...but Bear was conceived during a rape and I can actually understand why she would feel this way. Again, that is just the feeling I get given the times I have interacted with the family and what I have read in the case file.
Bug&Bear, please forgive me if I misread this, I understand your feelings about safety issues and that attempting to build a familial relationship might not be possible under those circumstances... but in your first post I thought you mentioned that Bear's bio family comes for visits? If I read that right it feels like a mixed message, you have visits but don't want to include sending a birthday card to the other things you do.
Something esle you said in your first post that I reread and really struck me was that Bear's bio family pays little to no attention to your other children. If I had more kids I'd want all of them acknowledged by anyone who came into my home. My brother and I were treated very unequally by my paternal bio family, we were both certainly dotted on but he could do no wrong and was showered with gifts. It did cause resentment in our home and between my brother and I. I really feel for you and the kids, and I absolutely encourage you to say something. I know I don't like feeling ignored by babe's bio family, which does happen now and then during visits, but to a child that feeling is even more accute.
Since bio mother has been unstable, run away, and you've mentioned that she's not keeping up her end of your agreement, is this the first letter she's sent on her own, or the first in awhile? I hope she continues to write and stay in touch. She has a lot of life ahead of her, I really hope she's able to make a change for herself now rather than later.
You had asked if anyone's child's bio family sent them cards, yes, we get cards in the mail as well as ecards. Every now and then we get cards from bio family other than bio parents, including graduation announcements, Christmas cards etc.
Loveajax, that's got to be tough. We've had our ups and downs with our open adoption and I have no idea what I'd do if my husband weren't equally behind our openness. I hope you both are able to talk about this and that your husband decides you're right... wasn't that in your wedding vows ;) Anyhow, maybe reading would help him relate to where you are coming from. But like they say, you can throw a book at your husband but you can't make him read it.
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mom2GRLC
"I am all for setting boundaries, but I am also for showing a little human compassion.
mom2GRLC
I think whatever she does will be fine for her and her situation. But she shouldn't be made to feel like she has no compassion for her childs birthmother just because she is a little resentful of everything she already does in the relationship when so little is being done to really "benefit" her child.
bromanchik
Modeling appropriate behavior to this girl will go a long way in eventual reciprocation. Something that will certainly benefit Bear in the long run.
Maybe something as simple as a paper with crayon scribbled on it - wishing her a happy birthday will be enough...
** is involved in many ways in our lives. I threw her a little birthday party last week. I have Christmas gifts for her.
She is a person with a LIFE LONG contection - that being said..
** disappeared for months after DD was born.
Once ** got back in contact with us I was determined she KNEW she was valued. Not because we adopted her baby but because she was a person in her own right. She is intelligent, sweet, kind, and capable. In her own words she was not "well behaved" her family of course went back and forth in how they treated her. They did not offer help when she found herself pregnant and in a homeless shelter. She has not had contact with them in close to 3 yrs now.
Our open adoption for a baby- also gave us a grown women as a daughter. ** just needed us. She need ppl who were consistant, strong, understanding, firm, and loving. Ppl who would forgive and offer trust for lessons learned. There are still major issues- Lots of them
How open is up to you! If you feel she is overstepping be sure to tell her.. So there are not misunderstandings and you represent your Child. Not her...
Hope it all turns out well,
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Actually, I'm just joining this group and this is my first post. You asked if the bmoms send anything for the birthdays of the aparents. Our son's bmom sends me 2 dozen roses and an ecard for my birthday every year. I think that's incredibly nice of her. She sends my husband an ecard for his birthday and sends gifts for my other two kids for their birthdays. I send her roses and a card for her birthday as well. She was only 15 when our son was born. I remember her making a big deal of her 16th birthday too. We did get her a nice gift for her 16th, because it is such a milestone. We got her a graduation gift as well when she graduated from high school. (and we attended her graduation) We do have an unusually smooth relationship with her and her family and we are very grateful.
(Bio mom to one, Amom to two, one through domestic and one through international adoption.)
[url]www.journeytofamily.com[/url]
We're in a semi-open situation...everything is sent through the agency...anyway our bmom's birthday is very close to mother's day so I try to send a card. I haven't been that good in recent years but I do try. I most definitely send a card around Christmas with new school picture and any other pictures from the year. Sometimes I get a response back and others I don't so I don't know if she is getting the stuff or not.:us-southcarolina:
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I totally feel your pain. I really do.I try and send cards and small gifts to my son's bmom. She's his mom, and I want them to be in contact, so making a warm relationship is really in my son's best interests. I do it for him.But sometimes the whole process really makes me feel bad. I don't think she thinks of me as a person at all (and she's 23 now, so certainly old enough to). She never, not even once, has asked me how I am. She has no interest in my life, and surprisingly little interest in the details of our son's life. After four years, I do not think she cares one ounce about me. She's not angry, just indifferent.I know that she's not required to care about me at all. But honestly, if you're going to build a relationship with somebody, it's hard to do it if they treat you basically like they'd treat the lawn or a concrete wall. For her I'm not a person with feelings, too, but just a part of the landscape. For me to keep caring about her life events, while she treats me like nothing at all, is getting harder and harder. I try to think of it as a symptom of her emotional disability, but it's just getting more difficult to drag myself to the phone or to the mailbox time after time.Sigh.
I think that the birthmom is too self absrobed and that has a lot to do with her age. I think a card a photo on her birthday would let her know that you are thinking of her and that would probably mean a lot to her. I think that things will get better as she gets older and realizes how much time and commitment it takes to raise a child. I applaude you for thinking about the birthmom even though it seems like the adoption is one sided right now. Good luck to you!!
Deb
proud mom of 11 month Aiden