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The moderating team has noticed a very disturbing trend that has become even more prevalent in recent weeks. Of course, we realize that members from their personal side of the triad will hold some type of loyalty to their group and that’s not what we’re talking about here. What we’re seeing is a sudden increase in the number of post which totally discount the feelings of the other members of this forum. We’re seeing sweeping generalizations about birthparents being made, we’re seeing anti-adoptive family comments being made and we’re seeing a lot of attacks by all sides on others when what we should really be doing is supporting each other. No one likes to be kicked when they are down and just like anyone, when you’re down, sometimes your emotions are so raw you just want to talk about how you feel…you don’t want to be told that the baby wasn’t yours so you shouldn’t be sad…you don’t want to be told that you signed the papers, so you have no rights and you don’t want to be told that genetics are just genetics…sometimes, we just need to vent and we need to do it without feeling like we have to justify our feelings. Sadly, that isn’t being done on the forums – we’ve prided ourselves with being the largest adoption community on the Internet that allows all sides to come together and learn from one another – but what is happening is some groups are starting to feel they have no place to express their feelings because they are constantly being attacked by others for feeling the way they do, and that isn’t fair. We don’t want to segregate our forums – being open like this makes our community awesome – but we need to make sure that everyone has their place to find support without being required to justify their feelings. What can we do to get back to the purpose of our site – which is support. There are plenty of debate communities out there where people can debate the evils of adoption and the evils of birthparents – we don’t want that here – so what can we do to get past this?
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I don't really know if there is anything YOU can do, but I certainly agree with this. It would stink to have exclusive groups...were a b-parent or a-parent could not post to the other's board. I often welcome insight as long as I am not having to defend myself. I know there have been times I have feelings I would LOVE to have support from other a-parents on, but I am reluctant to post because of reacitons I have had to other posts in the past. Just as I am not here to force my personal agenda on anyone, I don't want to hear anyone else's. Especially when I am just looking for someone to say "been there, you are not alone!" I do not discredit any other side of the triad for what they feel or believe, and would just ask for the same respect. If I see a b-parent post...especially if I have not experienced what they are talking about...I often just read it to get THEIR perspective. I don't usually post, but give them their space to just BE and have the support they need. I wish I felt comfortable enough to be, ask, and support others who might relate to my perspective as an a-parent. Maybe we are just looking or a little respect as you said. Just a reminder that we need to come together...not rip everyone apart. Adoption has touched us all in one form or another. Very few people in MY everyday life can even imagine how I feel or what I have experienced. That is why I came here to begin with. I need a place where people who have "walked in my shoes" so to speak, can tell me that "you are not alone, everything is going to be OK."
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I have noticed the change in the forum "temperature" as of late. I have to say though that I think we've done some MAJOR learning from eachother lately. Yes the bashing has to stop, I agree. The merging of the 3 sides on intense discussions has been eye openning for me and I imagine for others as well. That being said, I hope that we can continue to grow as a community on a civilized level.
I agree with HF. There certainly have been some heated discussions going on lately. I also do not agree with bashing or generalizations and think they need to stop. Though, I also feel that lately all three sides have really opened up their feelings and that creates a great learning environment for everyone. I also think that it is impossible to express emotion through the computer and often times things get misinterpreted in the moment. I try not to take anything personally. I respect that everyone has their own viewpoint and opinion, just as I hope they respect that I have mine. If we segregate these forums, then everyone loses.
I enjoy being able to come here and get veiw points from other members of the triad in a nice respectful way. I have been to other group were the do not even restrict the language and they were horrible. I resigned from them immediatly. I would really hate it if we had to segregate our forums, most of the advice that we need sometimes will be gone. However, I am tired of being afraid that someone will jump on me for posting something they do not agree with. I really dislike basically having to "watch my back" from other members of the triad. I also dislike seeing it done to other people. We are all human beings and we all have feelings. We are not going to totally agree on any issue that is posted here so we need to respect each other.
Rest assured, segregation isn’t an option and isn’t being considered by any stretch of the imagination. It is a difficult position our moderators have to be in. We want, more than anything in the world, to allow everyone regardless of their opinion to share their thoughts on the forum. We want them to share their stories and talk with others about how their stories have impacted their lives – but more often than not, what we’re seeing is anti-adoption propaganda, anti-adoptive parent agenda and pro-anything-but-adoption-no-matter-what-the-options-are. This is an adoption forum – our site is pro-adoption and we struggle with the balance between allowing everyone a voice and promoting support in adoption.We do have some options available to us – and rather than segregating entire groups of people, what will end up happening is those people who prove they can’t be respectful of other members of the triad will end up banned from participation in categories outside of their own triad position. Its very sad that we even have to consider taking these steps – but we wont allow the anti-adoption sentiment to continue to cultivate within the pages of this forum and as I’ve told the anti-adoption members who register her and continually get banned over and over again, it isn’t about your message or your opinion regarding adoption – it is about its delivery and the way you share your message. It is just as easy to talk about your feelings in a way that doesn’t offend others as it is to talk about them in a way that does – however, doing the latter will get you banned. Lets just all be respectful and kind – that’s all we really want.
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It's funny, I was thinking it hadn't been as bad recently... maybe I'm not reading the right threads. A couple months ago I was just about to stop coming here altogether because I was so frustrated with the tone of many of the posts. It's sad because I have learned so much from so many of you. Blessings,Kathy
Christine, I've told you guys what is going on - a lot of anti-adoption and anti-adoptive parent stuff. I'm sorry if you've missed it - we do our best to delete that kind of stuff fairly quickly...but it has been going on a lot. There is also a fair share of anti-birthfamily stuff going on - a lot of 'screw em, they terminated their rights, move on' and that is not that the kind of thing we want to promote here. Sure, there are times when the 'screw them' attitude is warranted (Foster/Adopt situations involving abuse) - but really, none of the bmoms who participate here are in that group and when it involves infant adoption - none of those bmoms are in that group either - no one should be telling a bmom on this forum (or an adoptive mom in domestic infant adoption) that a birthparent doesn't matter because they've terminated their rights. We all matter - the fact is - Adoption would not happen if even ONE part of the triad didn't exist...it isn't 'us against them' - we should all be working together to make adoption better - to support those who need support and to educate the idiot I met tonight who felt the need to point out her 'real' children and her 'adopted' chidren.
I think for my part, I try to let people voice opinions as needed. I do though moderate when the generalizations come up. There is no need to say "Aparents are insecure", "Bparents need to just move on in life" or "Adoptees should be grateful". ICK!
Now, if a person wants to talk about their specific & personal situation saying "I think my dd's amom is insecure because she......", well, that's entirely different. I might not agree with the opinion or have another perspective to offer, but in that specific situation, there is no generalization and I think it's important to make the distinction when we post/read.
People seem to get offended or feel the need to make a "point" about someone's personal situation, and I think that's part of the problem lately. Sometimes people just need to be able to vent about their own situations, and it's important to not take their words personally. If an adoptee posts her own feelings regarding loyalty issues between her amom & bmom, I don't think it's appropriate for anyone to jump in and say "I'm offended that you don't have more loyalty to the woman who raised you" or whatever it is. kwim?
Save that for a thread that discusses loyalty in general, not someone's thread on their own pain.
Yes...I think we need to continue to share our differing opinions. We need to keep learning and growing and communicating. I think the last few weeks have been really good in many ways. We just need to find a way to do it even better.:)
So maybe the question I have is "What will YOU do to help contribute to our community discussions and offer support?"
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crick
So maybe the question I have is "What will YOU do to help contribute to our community discussions and offer support?"
So maybe the question I have is "What will YOU do to help contribute to our community discussions and offer support?"
I love the direction that this thread has gone! I hope that our members will continue to work hard to educate others, share their thoughts and find support here on the forums. We can come together as a community, even if our opinions differ.I hope we can continue to move forward in this positive way!
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One of the things I have learned in my training and experience as a pastor is to validate feelings. Telling someone they can't or shouldn't feel that way is incredibly unhelpful. In any discussion I believe it helps to validate the person's experience (It's their's not yours.) I could wish they experienced adoption/separation/reunion differently, but it's not my job to tell them they don't feel the emotions they have. Having recognised their pain, anger, sorrow, etc. I can then (maybe) offer some suggestions or share what my experience has been, etc. Again when counseling couples, esp., I have learned to remind people to avoid saying things like, "you always" or "you never." In these forums that means I try never to say things like, "all birth mothers/fathers," "all adoptees," "all adoptive parents." I have learned so much from ALL of you, not the least being that while many of our situations are very similar, none of them are identical. Blessings on all!Kathy