Encouraging...

I found these sites to be completely discouraging! How can someone encourage "family preservation" when the baby's father is usually never in the picture! It's time that everyone encouraged single expectant moms to take a look in the mirror and ask the hard questions:1. Can I handle single parenting 24/7 for the next 18-20 years?2. If my child has behavioral or physical disabilities, do I have the emotional and financial resources to parent?3. Who is going to be the father of my baby?I think that choosing single parenting because the "self esteem" of the mom might be tarnished if she chooses adoption is the epitome of selfishness. What about the child who will be living his/her life without the benefit and stability of a father?????

Dear DPJ03, Have you read the stories of the women who have felt forced to place their children? It's more than a mere "self-esteem" issue for them. Unfortunately, placing your child for adoptions is no guarantee that they will grow up with a father. The marriages of parents who adopt also break up or fathers die of cancer or in car accidents, etc. Should the children of widows and divorcees be placed for adoption so that they will have fathers? Having said all that, one piece of the reasoning involved in my placing my son for adoption was that I wanted him to have both a father and a mother who were mentally and emotionally ready to raise a child. I was not coerced into making my decision. That does not mean it's always been easy living with my decision because I loved him then and I love him now. In my case I still believe, 34 years later, that I made the right decision. By the way, had my child NOT appeared to be physcially perfect at birth, I would not have placed him so that there would have been no possibility of him languishing in foster care. One of the haredest things for me in these fprums has been to read the postings of adoptees who feel unloved and abandoned, despite growing up in a home with a mother and father. I wish there were easy answers! Blessings,Kathy

This is a very old argument...was used on me as I did grow up without the benefit and stability of my father present in our home after my parents separated when I was 7. There were challenges growing up in a single-parent household for sure, but it wasn't the end of the world for me, and hardships can be coped with and even strengthen us. I'm in reunion with my first son, an adult, and what I've found out is that there are much deeper and more difficult issues he's had to face in being adopted, then if he'd not been adopted but stayed with me as a single mom. By the way, many of us did get married later on. Situations can and do change. Also, as an pediatric RN currently working in the home care setting, I have seen single moms parenting their special needs children, and doing it well.

Kathy...this was my son too. Do you think if I'd have had any inkling of the possibility that he could feel this way I'd have been able to let go of him to "the stable two-parent home who could give him everything you can not" ? Never. They said that love was not enough, but now I know it was the most important thing.

I have been on GirlMom before. Although my daughter was not a teenager, she found the site and loved their "deal with it" spunk. I really connected with this in the GirlMom post:"Pregnancy can guide you into all kinds of positive changes. A healthier diet, better exercise, organizational skills (especially if you have to go through all the paperwork it takes to get government assistance), decision-making skills, stress-management skills, a deeper spiritual life, and even career choices. A friend of mine went from party girl to midwife all because of an unplanned pregnancy. Look at your pregnancy as a blessing and enjoy it. And if people see you glowing, they'll just have to deal with it." This is exactly what we experienced with my daughter. Once she broke off from the adoption track when she was pregnant, it was just incredible to watch her throw off the mantle of shame that people tried to force her to wear and grow into a confident, glowing mom-to-be. Our 16-month old grandson is a happy, thriving baby and mom is a proud, doting mother. Yet, we still have (ex)friends who sit back tsking-tsking and drooling, waiting for the train wreck. You see - they think that "she did not learn her lesson". They are disappointed that she is a competent mother, has a wonderful new boyfriend, is edging closer to her degree, did not have nausea or vomiting, did not get stretch marks, had an easy delivery, has a healthy, easy going baby, that we aren't miserable with "that baby" running around our house, blah, blah, blah. They will just have to "deal with it". I asked one who really pushed for adoption which of her grandchildren would SHE be willing to part with?? Happy <--- "deal with it" G'Ma

[QUOTE=djp03]It's time that everyone encouraged single expectant moms to take a look in the mirror and ask the hard questions: 1. Can I handle single parenting 24/7 for the next 18-20 years? Unlike what the propaganda would have you believe, Single mothers are not "damaged goods". Many do get married, often when their childen are young. Also, (see more below) many single dads do get involved with their children. 2. If my child has behavioral or physical disabilities, do I have the emotional and financial resources to parent? There is assistance for children with disabilities. 3. Who is going to be the father of my baby? You are assuming all single dads are deadbeat dads. I, for one, find that really presumptuous. I know plenty of single fathers that are more present than some married ones. Marriage does not guarentee a mature, involved father. I know some workaholics that see their kids only on Sundays after a round of golf.

Thanks for that! From all appearances, we seem to be a family. We do all the things that "normal" families that "deserve" to be preserved do. We fight, we love, we cry, we laugh, we take care of each other when we are sick, we support each other when we feel life is unfair, we celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and promotions, we go to church, we go to work, and we tell each other about our day when we sit down for dinner. My grandson has 2 grandmas, 2 grandpas, 4 greatgrandpas, 4 greatgrandmas, 4 uncles, 2 aunts, 20-some great aunts and uncles, and tons and tons of cousins once removed. Dang - looks like a family to me. But dad is a jerk, so all of those people who adore this child do not deserve to know him, nuture him, and watch him grow up? We live in one screwed up country. Happy G'Ma

1. Who is to say you will be a single parent for 18-20 years. People do fall in love and marry.2. Money issues are almost always temporary.3. The person who fathered him. Who is going to be the Dad to your child is a separate question.That said, we really try to debunk the myths that you're trying to advocate for on these forums. Why are we assuming that a child is going to have emotional or physical disabilities that require more money/emotional output? Why are we assuming that the father won't be involved? It's better that women know all of their options rather than feel as if they have no other option but to place.

I noted that the original posting was from 2003. Couple of years late but what did really startle me was the fact that this same stigma that followed MY generation and the infants born then, still exist.I honestly thought they were dinosaurs and went extinct by now.Whoever told that person that the woman was a harlot or something similar and the child was illegitimate should get some serious help.We now live in the age of the Nuclear family. Families now are changed from , one woman, one man, and offspring of both of them. Todays families consist of two mommies, two daddies, one mommy, one daddy, no parents but grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and the list goes on and on.A child is LEGITIMATE by birth. that child is a human being and a citizen of the country they are born in.And even that can change rapidly. Consider the parents of today adopting from all over the world and taking them to new countries. Or the parents that opt to live in another country.Two of my sons were born abroad and didn't see their country until the oldest was almost six.The villification of the woman is horrendous. I did note that once again, the men are considered not responsible for their behavior and the women take the punishment. Bad, bad, bad ! Have we as women fought for decades for equality to have this again? NEVER, I say, NEVER.Any person what has the attitude " who will be the father" is either terribly naive , in todays standards or downright evil. I will prefer to think of them as naive. Any person that brands a tiny newborn baby or a child of any age as lesser in quality, or lesser in stature because of the terms of their birth, than any other child is evil, in my opinion and that will remain my opinion forever.Parenting, by the way, does NOT stop at 18 or 28, parenting is forever. REMEMBER THIS, parenting is forever!!! Your child will be just as much your child at the age of 60 as that child was the time you felt the presence of that child in your womb, or the first time you held your child in your arms.Please consider the many children that grew up to be famous that had only one parent. They were successful, secure, well educated, mannerly and LEADERS. Some had only mothers, some had only fathers. This did not detract from the parent ( single) that brought up an outstanding person all by themselves.I'll stop now. I am very very forceful on this issue and frankly I don't care if I'm kicked off this site, I will stand proudly any day at any time for anyone that is deemed less than another by virtue of birth. This is a solid statement of my morals and standards and I refuse to bend on it.dmca

Thanks - you have no idea how much that means to me! Sadly, our current government wants to roll the clock back to the days of scorn and bastardry and is willing to enact economic policies that implement their "righteousness". Kudos to that wonderful teenage mom on GirlsMom who told her sisters to hold their heads high. Happy G'Ma

"Parenting, by the way, does NOT stop at 18 or 28, parenting is forever. REMEMBER THIS, parenting is forever!!! Your child will be just as much your child at the age of 60 as that child was the time you felt the presence of that child in your womb, or the first time you held your child in your arms."I'm reminded of the time my mother said to me, "when you're 70, I'll still be your mother and I'll still tell you what to do." (She died when she was 66, but I suspect that if I live to be 70, I'll still hear her - on that tape in my head - telling me what to do!) She also said the older your children are, the bigger the problems are. (That she said when my 2nd son was 19 and I was about 40 - I wasn't quite sure if she was talking about my son or me!) For me being the parent of adult children is tricky... for some reason they don't like being treated like they are 5! One of the positive things about my reunion with D is that he is an adult who I can simply enjoy getting to know. (I'm never quite sure with the son I raised, when he's going to go on a tirade about how his father and I failed as parents. Sigh.) It's never easy, is it?Blessings,Kathy

One of the saddest thing about this forum is that is overwhelmingly appeals to people in the triad who are unhappy. Birthmothers who suffered through their decision and have gone on to lead full happy lives knowing they did the right thing don't come here!Adoptive parents who are enjoying terrific times with their kids don't come here.Adoptees who have fabulous lives and view adoption as an event of the past that put them right where they belong don't come here.I came here thinking it would be a place where adoptive parents talked about parenting. I expected there would also be a lot of parents contemplating adoption with lots of questions. Debate over certain points like open/closed, which programs, how to handle parenting issues and so forth would likely come up. Instead the site seems to be overwhelmingly in place to encourage open adoption and reunion. And, apparently, even to go so far as to discourage young women who investigate adoption.That is terribly sad.I was adopted, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope and believe that my birthmother feels confident that she made the right choice. She probably does, so she'll never read this.