How have you changed?

I'm with Christie. Started out very positive. We have an open adoption with our other daughter's birthmother and it is very rewarding. I guess I was overly confident that it could be that way again with this child. We've allowed birthfather in our home, introduced him to our other (adopted children), and now he is fighting for custody and hurting the structure of our family. I love birthmother but at this point, don't trust anyone. So, although we would never rescind our agreement with birthmother to remain open once this is final, my open adoption optimism is fading . . . fast. And birthfather has dug his own grave. His choice, not ours. Josie

Upon deciding to pursue adoption, I was much more comfortable with open adoption than was my DH. I suspect it was becuase I had initially been doing all the research and reading! DH now says that he initially viewed birthmothers as women who had their children removed from them because they were unfit to parent. With this view, he couldn't see the value of an ongoing relationship. After learning more, he came to recognize the big difference in a woman choosing to place out of the best interest for the child she loved. That was the beginning of a huge change of heart for him. Of course, it wasn't until meeting our DD's birthmom and beginning a relationship that we had any idea how comfortable we'd be with her. I echo the fact that until there's a real person, you can't know how things will go. For us, we've been tremendously blessed. I too find myself wanting to call DD's birthmom and tell her the latest cute story or milestone, or just get together for lunch and oogle over Lilly together. I know not everyone has this kind of relationship, and I never cease to be amazed by it myself! We couldn't have imagined this when we started out on this journey.

Thank you for sharing! It's nice to hear other people who are more comfortable than they originally were.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things improve soon. Thank you for sharing!

I said I didn't want visits. That I didn't want to intrude. J(&D) encouraged me to be open to the thought post-placement. He was right.;)

The "coercion" withdrawal was against her stepmother - not me. We even offered that if she were at all uncertain she could just come live with us and bring the baby and we would help her raise him. Since we could NOT be charged with coercion they stated that we used an "Agent" (her stepmother) to coerce for us. Her stepmother vehemently denied in writing any and all allegations of coercion. The W/D occurred after we had had our son for over a year and the bmom was in juvy servies. The adoption was "finalized" in 2004. At the same time we signed a visitation agrement which gave her "parental rights" to have visits. A little over a month later, October 2004, she filed fraud charges against us for the first visit having not occurred (again - SHE did not show - so, no the first visit did not occur - but I was there.) In the fraud charge she motioned for rescission of the adoption. My husband was in Iraq so they were prevented by federal law from "trying" us until his return. Then nine days later she filed to have my son placed in foster care (she is still in juvenile custody). After a harrowing experience on the stand - and many witnesses, we won that one. I can't describe to you the terror I experienced being bombarded by her 5 (FIVE!) lawyers for so long on the witness stand - as if I were some criminal. My husband eventually returned from Iraq and she refused to "let go" of the fraud charge, motion for rescission - and oh yes, let's not forget 'payment for her lawyers back to 2002' even though they had been paid for by the State of Alabama. So now we go back to court yet again. There are no merits to the case - but my lawyer has said I will be interrogated and we can expect more filings against us in the process of trying to close this one. I, too, am floored, and shocked, and do not understand. We AGAIN (and for the 3rd time) have abandonment by her - and again refusal on her part to show up for visitations for which we reschedule our LIVES around - sometimes missing birthday parties and such to be there. My lawyer said the judge has the right to dismiss all of this on its merits - but that he is not the kind of judge to do that - he always holds big trials, allows huge leeway for lawyers to say anything, accuse anything, make grand statements (true or untrue - and trust me , after the last trial they were UNTRUE) - so there is a lot of grandstanding and insanity. So... here we go again. I pray almost constantly. I feel as if we have been ripped apart emotionally, financially, legally. No, I don't understand. Thank you to those of you who have been supporting me for so long on these boards. Christie S.

I thought I would add one bizarre twist which occurred between the last trial and now: Her lawyer claimed that I had made the statement that he had been having sex with her. I emphatically and completely refuted and denied that lie. This last year he has apparently been found (I have no proof but I have VERY realiable resources) that he has been having sex with his clients. Since the courtroom in my case was packed I am thinking maybe it was Karma - maybe someone decided to look into it since that so obviously came from him and not me. Hmmmmm.... some sort of justive after all? Interesting.

my wife and i have had a bad experience to date and after all the reading we had done we really thought open adoption would be great for all including our child. I would never sign an agreement again giving visitation rights. I think instead we would have to see what type of relationship developed.

DH and I did NOT want an open adoption (my DH is a very happy adult adoptee from a closed situation and thinks that is "best."). But it was really hard after meeting DD's birth parents before she was born to then "cut off" contact with them. It seemed strange (we met and talked several times before her birth and hit it off pretty well). While our adoption is "open," it is not as open as some situations described here. I continue to struggle with it (not the contact that we do have, but the contact we don't, i.e., I keep thinking that it woud be nicer to have more visits/phone chats, etc.). But birth parents have been incredibly kind and respectful (and I hope they would say the same for us). Anyway, I think I have changed in the sense of becoming more "open" (no pun intended) and I am very glad that so far, so good. But I can't say that I don't have fears that I would not have in a closed adoption (e.g., will DD be sad that she and her sister are separated, esp. when she gets a chance to know her? what if something happens and one of the birth parents wants to STOP visits, will DD be devestated? etc. etc.). Anyway, sorry for the novel here! By the way, it sounds like some situations are just beyond repair, even in situations where the parents tried so hard to make it work, and I am sorry for that. I obviously wish that open adoption was a perfect concept and worked all the time, but it just doesn't sometimes.

I would have had an open adoption. My daughter chose to open her adoption when she was 17. It has been positive. The first mom missed so much of her daughter's life. I would have changed this, if I was given the choice. We were not offered an open adoption. The first mom wanted a closed adoption. She did not share her pregnancy with her parents and had kept this part of her life a secret.

My feelings have changed considerable and still continue to change through out this process. We adopted through fostercare, so it was never really even an option or considered until I came to these forums and heard so much about open adoption. When everything changed in my daughters case and we were able to adopt her we only started some openness in hopes to help the birthmom and her family with the loss they were experiencing. Knowing (or thinking at the time) that we would be moving shortly after her adoption (they knew this as well...and knew we would not promise them any contact). We figured it would help them in their grief and help us get to know them and her history before we had to move and then after that we would probably only have written contact. But she began asking for more and more visits and I just couldn't say no to her. I knew it was the only thing that kept her going. I wanted to help her in any way that I could. But as time went by it was negativley affecting my daughter and our family, but I just didn't have the heart to tell them no. It turned out we didn't move and that brought into question how much direct contact was actually best for our daughter...we hadn't anticipated a long term opne relationship with direct contact. Things got worse and worse with the birthmom reflecting a lot of her sadness and anger onto my daughter and I. It got to the point where I had to ask for a break from direct visits because it was too hurtful for my daughter adn I. But we communicated even more by e-mails during that break time. Which were still very difficult. Then a few months later we tried it again but again there were problems that were negatively affecting my daughter and all of us. By this time we had maintained very difficult contact for a year and a half and it got real bad and I just couldn't do it anymore it wasn't good for any of us. So I finally had to tell her no more direct contact. Only written contact. After that her birthmom's feelings changed, again we began to talk a lot...except this time she was also talking and sharing and we were able to work through a lot of issues so we ressumed visits. Now we have reached a somewhat level spot. We each still have our own struggles to work through but we are trying to put those aside to keep things positive and to hope for a brighter future. But it's still hard not only for us but for my daughter at times. I believe in the long run it will all be worth while and will be helpful for my daughter as long as we can keep it healthy for her. But it's hard and we have to take it one visit at a time. I still very much feel that we are faking it till we make it. Just taking it one day at a time and covering our feelings with a fake smile....just to try and make it through on both sides. So it's hard. It's a blessing but it's hard.

Wow, Christine, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. ((hugs)) I know you can hear a million good stories and somehow only the scary one's stick in your mind. Here is how it is for me now.. Before the adoption of 1st child, did not want open adoption, did not want visits, thought I could never feel like the mother with the birth mother around. 20 months after receiving dd, I wanted to know more about the bfamily. I wrote to her bmom and persuaded her to open up the adoption. She took 3 months to decide. Two visits a year began and at first they were uncomfortable but now I feel sisterly toward her and care very deeply for her. My dd is now 5 and I was just thinking that now I am comfortable enough to have her meet some of my family and friends now. With ds bmom she choose closed and after 6 weeks with him, I wrote the agency and asked her to consider open adoption. She showed up on my doorstep when ds was 8 months old. Even though at first it was awkward, she promise never to show up unannounced again. She then wanted monthly visits and we have kept it at 2 maybe 3 visits a year for her. She is now planning to bring her mother and sister to our next visit. Things are getting better between us. I'm looking forward to our next visit. So yes, my feeling have changed dramatically. I never thought I would do open adoption, then I never thought I would want to mix bfamily with my family, but you know what, it's just not a big deal any more. Last night we called dd bfather. It was the first time we talked to him in two years. He's not as good as keeping in touch as the bmothers. He was happy we called and he plans on making the 5 hour trip here within the next few weeks to see us and our daughter. For us, we have greater peace in having an open adoption. Nothing scarey will ever come out of the wood work in the future. :rolleyes: There will be no surprises, no fantasies, no reunion, no lost time. Just all the pieces of our children's puzzle on the table for them to put together, when they are ready. As my dh say's "don't sweat the small stuff". :flower:

AMom2Two, it sounds like you really have figured out how to make open adoption work well. Fantastic! I am hoping that I can follow the same path. It is so funny how your feelings can change. So many of my friends who have closed adoptions now wish that they had open ones. I also have a greater sense of peace knowing that DD will always know her birth family and know that they love her so much. I also like the fact that there won't be anything coming out of the woodwork as you say.

AMom2Two, I am glad things are working out well with you. It is amazing how much we change over time, isn't it? Once we realize there is nothing to fear and how important it is for our kids to have those pieces of their lives. I know open adoptions obviously don't always work, but I am glad to know that other people have found a way for it to work out well.

I was very uncomfortable with open adoption when we first started the process. I was actually relieved when our first child's birthparents chose a semi-open/closed adoption. When our son was about 9 months old, and it was time for an update and pics for his birthparents, I felt more comfortable with the idea. We all fear that which is new to us. :)