Any Feelings Greatly Appreciated

:grouphug:[FONT=Times New Roman]In my opinion the loss of a child to adoption is more difficult on the mother than the father for obvious reasons- particularly if the mother wants to keep the baby. So it stands to reason that will show more signs of damage later on.[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]Like your mother I wanted my baby. The adoption was what my parents wanted.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]When I got the first letter from my daughter I was glad to know that she was alive and well. I was also terrified. I had purposly avoided thinking of the adoption in order to regain my sanity. (I had been suicidal the first two yearsafter her birth and adoption). I did continue to pray for her but it hurt too much to to think about what I was missing. I knew reunion would bring all those hurts back to the surface. While I hadn't told my son I felt he would understand. While I had told my husband breifly about the adoption I had never dicussed the matter in depth. I didn't know if he could cope if let go of my emotions. I was afraid for my marriage and my sanity. Reunion has been hard on both- mainly because my daughter backed away soon after we met. I am learning to cope with the past without repressing it. That is a good thing.and my husband is still here.[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]Give your mother time. and keep in mind. that her heart is involved..Most likely she is garding it.. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care. I'm sorry that the second daughter is upset. That will make matters harder. I suspect that Sister is jellous or maybe just protective of Mom. In the end I think your mother will come around. See if your brother can get some pictures of her incase I am wrong..[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]When you feel rejected look at tha paper that says she loved you and know that is true.:grouphug: [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] Patty[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

Thank you,Patty.I try to tell myself that I am sure she was shocked,and that of course it is all painful.That was why I was very cautious about what I said in my letter to her.The worst I expected was a quick note saying that at this time she was not ready for any contact.The anger reaction is just so far from what I thought.I hope you're right and she atleast comes around enough to exchange a letter every once in awhile.My brother only had one picture of her,it was from his wedding last year.He's trying to find younger pictures of her for me.None of them are close,he barely knows any of his relatives,one of his mother's sisters he has never even met,because the sisters do not speak.My adoptive family is the complete opposite of this;and I feel really bad for them all,but also bad for myself,because if they are this way with eachother,there isn't much hope for them being in my life.But,I still think what I have learned is better than knowing nothing.Thanks again.

[FONT=Times New Roman]I don't know but I have an idea that the anger thing Granma describes may actually be directed Granma not you. After all she did sit by and let her husband push the adoption. She may have pushed it herself. Granma may be the last person your mother wants to talk to about this. Who knows?[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]Why not wait a little while then send a little note with a little picture of yourself directly to your mother asking for a picture of herself? If you do not get a reply wait a while longer then ask Granma for a picture. [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]While I was scared my need to tell my daughter that I loved her outweighed my fear. I think eventually that need will catch up with your mother.[/FONT]

I have to agree with the 1st statement here. Sadly, lots of bmoms have had to repress all their feelings. They were told never to talk about what happened and, even if they did want to talk about it, nobody wanted to listen (I was told: "we don't talk about those kinds of things"; "for G*d's sake, don't tell anyone what you did" and "if you tell any man that you had a baby, he will never marry you"). Secondly & not surprisingly, many bmoms went into a kind of denial as a means of coping. Then, when confronted with the past - when the adult child tries to contact them - they find it all too overwhelming and just don't feel able to cope. Lots of adoptees feel the same way when their bmoms approach them in the hopes of reuniting. THE ANGER? She may well have waited for you to contact her for years and, having waited way beyond the time when she thought you would contact her, she now feels angry that you kept her waiting so long (yes, I know this sounds crazy, but it happens). She may be angry at being forced to confront feelings that she has been able to suppress and deny for years. I can assure you that these feelings are so horrifically overwhelming that they invade the bmom's every waking moment, they bring back all the horrific reality of the time when she was pregnant, had a baby and then had to relinquish that baby because it was supposed to be the best thing for that baby (nobody asked whether it was the best thing for her). My son's first letter to me said "If it had cost me anything to find you, I wouldn't have bothered..." Later ones were equally as insensitive and rude. I understand that some adoptees become quite angry when in reunion (even if they didn't feel it initially) and can convey this anger in a variety of ways - often without realising completely what they are doing. Perhaps you might have offended your bmom - albeit unintentionally and this caused her to feel hurt and, as a defence mechanism, feel angry? All I do know is that she does have a lot of reasons to be angry. All of them will be to do with you (as the symbol of what happened long ago and how it affected her, particularly since she did want to keep you but was made to give you up) but are not necessarily to do with you as a person. My advice is to leave it for a while. Give her time to get used to you being there. Perhaps then, you could have another try and tell her that you understand that she feels angry about what happened and that she may be afraid that you are angry at her. Tell her that you don't want to upset her life or to intrude but that you really would so like to have some kind of contact with her, on whatever terms she feels most comfortable with. If she still says 'no', then I guess that you have no option but to accept it, however hard that might be. Personally, as a bmom, I would be angry if you went behind my back to contact other relatives in the family (many of whom may not have known about what happened). I certainly would not dream of doing that to my son just because he has been nasty to me and now doesn't contact me. However, that's your choice. Personally, I would see it as that your bmom is a damaged person. She was damaged by adoption. She is a victim of adoption and of an uncaring society and you can only feel deep sorrow for her and compassion for her suffering. As Patty Cake said, you know that she did love you and that it broke her heart to let you go. Hang on to that feeling for that is the heart and soul of the matter. You were loved and, because you were loved, your bmom suffered and ended up the way she is now. That is so sad. However, knowing that you were loved is perhaps the most important thing and yes, I would stick with that.

I am Jessica... I have 3 children, My son is 4 and he is with me, But my two daughters ages 2 and 1 were adopted by a couple I went to church with. As a mother who has given 2 daughters up for adoption I can tell you how I feel and hopefully help you some of what you are feeling, and dealing with. We had an open adoption, As they get older they will know who I am and have access to any information about me if they choose to. Many times I have thought about changing this so thay can not find me. I get very angry thinking about them. Not because I don't love them, I love them with all my heart, and think about them constantly, I wish I could be with them. But this is why.... It hurts to love them soooo much and not be who you want to be for them. I am scared to death they are going to hate me for giving them up for adoption. I am scared they are going to be dissapointed in me. I am angry with myself for getting pregnant and putting a child through all this But I cant stand the thought of abortion. It is very scary and over whelming to me to think about all of this... She is probably feeling the same way. She is afraid she won't meet your expectations of who she is or what you ahve dreamed her to be... And afraid after you start associating with her your feelings will be clear and you will get angry with her. There is so much I am afraid of with my daughters, I never know what to do. I have stopped going to my church because it hurts so bad to see them. I am always afraid I will see them in a store. Everything about them hurts and scares me. Your birth mother may be feeling the same way. I hope this has helped you in some liitle way. And I hope your mother comes around and realizes that she has a wonderful daughter that wants to be a part of her life... If you ever need to talk about this or anything feel free to write me Jessica