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I have a question for adult adoptee's. Would you want your amom and bmom to be friends?
Now with friendship, you share things about your children. At least I do, with my close friends. We share problems, difficulties, good things and bad things.
I get so much conflicted information about this and I just can't seem to come to any peace on it. While we do have open adoptions, I am still unsure of how friendly I should be with the bmothers. I am becoming very close to dd bmom and am starting to feel sisterly toward her and find myself sharing little things.
I am repeatedly told, that I should not share so much with the bmothers. That it is my child who should decide how close of relationship she wants and what or not to share. I have been told that she might resent me sharing these little things, but in my heart, I don't know if I buy it and that is why I have the conflict inside of me. I am building a loving relationship between my children and their bparents. At least I hope it will always be loving.
My dd just started Kindergarten and I want to share with her bmom things that are going on with her. I did share that she was having some problems with her fine motor skills and automatically her bmother said, well that runs in our family, dd half brother has the same issues. I shared that she called the teacher "stupid" and her bmom told me well her ds used the same word and how her family is very out spoken, she said it's one of her family traits. I didn't share with her that 'I KNOW" she picked this word up on the school bus when an older child called her stupid. She is not out spoken at all. I just let her assume because I didn't want to correct her.
It is starting to appear to me that when I share small things about my dd with her bmother, she always finds a way to relate it to her family. This worries me some. I know her bmother does this so see feels she is linked to our dd and I understand that, but she has a son and I know she shares with the son. How will dd feel when her older brother says things like, well you had fine motor skills problem just like me. You chopped off your hair before K just like me. You did this just like me.
So adult adoptee's, I am asking your opinion. How would you feel if your amom shared all these stuff with your bmom? Would you feel she did it because she loved you and wanted the people who love you to know you, or would you feel that it was private and you would not like your birth siblings to know all the struggles you may have had and then to have them linked to them, that way? Would that make you uncomfortable. It's not the sharing that really scares me, it's the way they link EVERYTHING to them.
Please share your thoughts with me so I can decide how to proceed.
I welcome EVERYONE's opinion. :flower:
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AMOM, As an old adoptee :eek: I have to say that if my bmom and amom had a friedship it would have been wonderful. If they were able to maintain a friendship based on the love they had for me.....priceless.... Now...thinking of the reality....me being a teen and having 2 mothers ...scary:eek: ..LOLdivide grandchildren with 2 mothers and a MIL...really scary...:eek: . Seriously, if done right and the child in the middle it can be good.
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I think for me personally, having my bmom and my mom as friend would cause some serious tension. I would love to see it happen but realistically, I think that it might hurt my bmom to hear and see all the things in my life and growing up that she missed out on and for my mom, not matter how much she would try not to, it would become painful to watch a relationship grow between me and J.
Plus they are so opposite ends of the spectrum on their personalities that other than their love for me I think they would have nothing in common.
I'm an adoptive mom, but these are my thoughts...
I want to be good friends with my childs birthmom. I want to be able to share the good and bad stuff that happens in my dd's life and our lives and would hope that she would want to share the same stuff of what's happening in her life and family.
But I would not feel comfortable having a relationship with her seperate from my child. Meaning I wouldn't want to just go shopping with her (unless we were shopping for presents for the child) I wouldn't want to just hang out at the mall with her, or go to the movies, or out to dinner or something. I wouldn't feel right having that sort of relationship where it was just her and I (not involving my daughter in some way).
In regards to sharing struggles and accomplishments and little cute things they say and even the naughty stuff, I think it all just depends on your relationship and level of contact and comfort with each other. I don't see a problem with it. Maybe if the child expresses concern sometime in the future than you should think about what you share but for right now do what feels comfortable for you and hopefully your child will grow up being comfortable with it as well.
As far as the birthmom relating everything back to her family and biological connection. Well, I think that is her trying to show the biological inherited traits she has passed on and his continued connection to them. But I agree it can get out of hand. My sons grandmother related everything back to her family as well. Even just normal baby things every baby does. But i just took it for what it was. It was her trying to feel connected and have my son feel connected to his biological family. There is nothing you can really do about it other than just accept it. I don't think you should let (false) connections slide though. Like int he case where she stated that beign outspoken runs in her family. She shouldn't have a false image of your daughter and your daughter shouldn't develope a false image of herself and those connections. So if she says something you know is not true about your daughter you should speak up and share how your daughter really is.
Is your fear that your child will get this false sense of connection to them. Like everything she does or says is a genetic imprint of them, even when she does not have those characteristics? Your the mom...your influence in her life will be the biggest. I would celebrate and point out to her the (true) biological connections that you see and also point out to her the traits she has picked up from you and your husband or on her own. Let her feel complete like she is a product of everyones love, nature and nurture and not a clone of any one person or family. Teach her how special it is to be different and unique and that no two people are the exact same.
I think whatever positive relationship you build with her birthmom will be a benefit to your child. Share what you feel comfortable sharing and speak up when you hear soemthing that is not right.
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mom2GRLC
. I would celebrate and point out to her the (true) biological connections that you see and also point out to her the traits she has picked up from you and your husband or on her own. Let her feel complete like she is a product of everyones love, nature and nurture and not a clone of any one person or family. Teach her how special it is to be different and unique and that no two people are the exact same. I think whatever positive relationship you build with her birthmom will be a benefit to your child. Share what you feel comfortable sharing and speak up when you hear soemthing that is not right.
I do believe that my Amom had so much compassion for my birthmom...and that had they been able to meet from the beginning, that my Amom could of been a good friend to my birthmom....before my Amom passed away..she told me to find my birthmom, and let her know that I was ok, and let her know that we love her....my Amom passed on before I could relay her message....but when I did eventually find birthmom...I let her know how my Amom felt....Brenda
I personally would take great pride in the fact that my mom and bmom could met sometime and perhaps become even casual friends, but I just don't see that happening anytime soon. I feel they would probably like each other if they met. But I sense it would simply be too akward for them both, expecially mom. I one asked her if she ever wanted to meet my bmom and after a bit of a silence she said "Yes, but I don't know what I'd say to her". From that I can tell it's best to just leave things the way they are for now, despite my desire of having them meet at least once.
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Now with friendship, you share things about your children. At least I do, with my close friends. We share problems, difficulties, good things and bad things.
It is starting to appear to me that when I share small things about my dd with her bmother, she always finds a way to relate it to her family. This worries me some.
okay, ill take a stab at it....i actually think you answered your own question.
do you get worried with your friends wheen you share? if you answered..."well, this is different"
then there you go, it is different.
i think the relationship is just too close and too complicated at the moment for you two to 'be friends'....'sisterly'
im not sure about how your daughter would feel about it, but it seems kinda uncomfortable for you at this point.
heck, you even wrote a post about it..how many posts did you right about your friends making you feel 'worried'
call me crazy, but i think you answered your own post.