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I am sorry you are going through such a painful time right now, momfor2... Every adoptee is different when it comes to contact. I was not ready for it until I was 28 or so when I started searching. I am 31 now. At 21 I would've been too scared, it would've been too huge, I wouldn't have been able to forge a new relationship with a birthfamily while still settling into an adult relationship with my a-parents. My relationship went from 'parent-younger child' to ' parent-adult child' around my early 20s and I had go get used to that. ALL of that to say not to give up hope. Just because he is denying you contact now doesn't mean it will be forever. Perhaps knowing that he has a strong bond with his a-parents may be of some comfort to you? That he has known love and has been shown and taught how to love and obviously has great love and loyalty to them? (YEAH, I know it is what is keeping him from pursuing a relationship with you right now...but it might also be a sign that he has compassion and a big heart and *eventually* will come around and want to know you. I am really sorry for your pain and wish I had the magic words to make you feel better. Try to keep hope for the future.
mom, Not every adoptee want contact. There are 4 of us ,all adopted in my family. My younger brother wants no contact at all. The other thing is I think you said your son was 21, for some that is still very young. It has no bearing on his feelings for you personally, just where he is in his life. He might be trying to get his own life in order. I am sorry you are feeling such pain....please understand it may not be for good. Many adoptees don't have a clue on how important the knowledge of their bmom is until they have children of their own. You have opened the door....he just may need time to process. Often I have heard that it does take longer for the males...who knows why:confused: ..but I beleive it is common. As the mother of 4 boys..talking about "feelings" is difficult. I am thinking about you...
Thanks,I want to appreciate the relationship he has with his adopted parents,but the way he feelsthat he has to be concerned with loyalty and their feelings ,just screams codependency to me...Why did not they raise him to apprecIate they were secure enough to take care of their own feelings?I am being a little judgemental I know....He is married with a baby girl
Mom of 2Hang in there. Maybe now is not the time . The only constant in life is change. He may change his mind.If not, then try to feel good about the fact that he is in a family where he is so loved and so secure that that is all he needs. I know when I relinquished my daughter THAT was the biggest priority in my wants for her.From reading a lot of reunions and how they went, young people have the most difficulty, where the older they are, the easier it is. things can and do change over time. Hang in there and BIG BIG hugs.dmca
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I agree with what has been posted. My bson (and his adad) has told me that we probably would not have had as easy and positive a reunion had I initiated contact when he was 21 (or maybe even 25). I am a great believer in kairos time. Kairos is a greek word that can be translated "the right time" or "the appropriate time". This is in contrast with chronos time - minutes, hours, years. We think that at 18 or 21 our children should be ready for contact with us. Unfortunately, while that's chronos time, it may not be the RIGHT (kairos) time. Hard as it is don't lose heart.
I feel that pain, also knowing my son is not ready for further contact from me or any of this bfamily. My daughter (his sister) and he are very close (they were adopted into the same family), yet she is embracing the contact. She may be pushing him for all I know and it's making it harder for him. Both sides of the coin. We never know how long it will take. Just never give up hope. You birthed it right along with that child. Remember it.
kakuehl
I am a great believer in kairos time. Kairos is a greek word that can be translated "the right time" or "the appropriate time". This is in contrast with chronos time - minutes, hours, years. We think that at 18 or 21 our children should be ready for contact with us. Unfortunately, while that's chronos time, it may not be the RIGHT (kairos) time.