I Chose Adoption and She Chose Adoption Call for Positive Adoption Stories

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I've been utilizing the forums here for a couple months now. As an adult adoptee, mostly I stick with the search and reunion section, but I've been viewing some of the other forums/sub-forums. Some of the posts I have found truely disturbing, terms like "gotcha day", some of the issues raised by international adoption, and other ideas and/or views which present adoption from such a slanted point of view to a-parents, at the expense of degrading, demeaning, and forever keeping the adoptee within the realm of being a child; yet refrained from posting to or responding, in accordance with the forums being pro-adoption. However, I am offended at the very idea of this particular sub-forum: I Chose Adoption and She Chose Adoption Call for Positive Adoption Stories. First and foremost, as categorized under the Adult Adoptees section, the implication of authors would be adoptees, versus birth parents. As the adoption vs abortion debate has well established arguements in the open/closed records, and the majority of the states still retain closed record systems, just how many adoptees do you think even know that their birth mother had chosen adoption over abortion? I highly doubt that this bit of information, that someone's birth mother had debated abortion, somehow got included in the adoption records, let alone was later released for disclosure to the adoptee. Though I will concede that some adoptees in "open adoptions" may be aware of their birthmothers had such a choice, the number of adoptees in such "open adoptions" still remain vastly outnumbered in the US by those subject to sealed records. For a rebuttal to the abortion versus adoption, with reference to open/closed records, please view page 20 of [URL="http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/2007_11_For_Records.pdf"]FOR THE RECORDS: Restoring a Legal Right for Adult Adoptees[/URL] published by the [URL="http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/research/2007_11_for_records.php"]Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute[/URL] Secondly, I again will point out that even by it's presentation this sub-forum presents an unrealistic, slanted viewpoint. Abortion can be chosen within an approximate 9 month period of time. Disregarding that it's presently illegal in the US to do so for all 9 months. Adoption on the other hand, has an 18 year window of opportunity. This might explain why when I recently viewed one state's statistics on adoption rate, the "welfare adoption" or those children adopted from the foster care system outnumbered private party adoptions by a ration of 18:1. Let's not forget that in a foster care adoption, parental rights are terminated, and then let me ask, what choice of adoption versus abortion those birth mothers had? The only positive aspect to this particular sub-forum, is the lack of anyone posting to it. Truely illuminating that in 3 years, only one page's worth of posts can be viewed.

Missing75time, If the forum doesn't 'fit' your situation - then you're welcome not to participate. While I can certainly understand, if you had a bad experience, why you wouldn't want to post a message here - there are a number of very happy adult adoptees, involved in closed adoption, that are happy and eager to share their stories, which is the purpose of this specific forum.There is nothing about adoption that is ‘one size fits all'. There are heartbreaking stories and there are happy stories – discounting one over the other does a huge disservice to the complexities involved in adoption.Additionally, this thread appears in both the “She Chose Adoption” Forum under the Adoptee’s section of the forums as well as the “I Chose Adoption” Forum, listed in the Birth Parents section of the forums. For ease of posting, I titled them both the same and copied them to both forums.Everyone deserves to have equal footing here on the forums at Adoption.com – we have over 1000 forums – each devoted to various aspects of adoption – well over 100 devoted to Search & Reunion on both the adoptee and birth parent sections – I think we can all make room for one forum devoted to those who have happy experiences to share without making them feel ashamed for having had a happy experience, don’t you?Forced silence can go both ways, just as coercion can. There is room on the site for everyone and every complex situation – that includes those who have differing opinions and experiences with adoption.

Interesting use of quotations, which I didn't catch until much later. Thank's for in essence asking me to keep silent when I'd expressed the logical fallacy of this forum. Let me get this straight, if I had a bad experience with my birth mother chosing adoption over abortion, then I might not want to post here? I'm glad you can certainly understand that, because I can't. Additionally, I understood this sub-forum to be about abortion vs adoption. I'd cited that the abortion vs adoption is an agruement, with well established roots in reference to the proponents of closed records. "One size fits all" - This one took me a long time to figure out the context of. Nice seeing my own words quoted out of context. If I recall, that was with reference to a completely different topic, databases as I recall. How the shortcomings of a "one size fits all" approach to database programming for adoption registry matches applies to abortion vs adoption is really beyond me. I will concede your point about the broad spectrum of stories stemming from adoption. However, how does this apply to my initial posting expressing being offended by the sub-forum? I will again ask, how an adoptee would know that such a decision had been contemplated/made by the birthmother? Given the narrow scope of the sub-forum, I can only imagine happy stories, save for those chronically depressed suicidal adopted persons who really wish their birth mother had chosen abortion. Conversely I seriously doubt we'll hear many heartbreaking stories from adoptees who's mother's chose abortion. I'll let you think about that one. Yes, and I noted that very quickly after my initial posting you updated the titles to better reflect what's meant to be posted in each sub-forum. While I can understand the "I Chose Adoption" under the birth parents section, and will agree it's an appropriate sub-forum there, I maintain that under the adult adoptees section it's a misrepresentation of adoption. Refer back to my inital post in this regard. An equal footing. Interesting. I suppose that's why the "She Chose Adoption" sub-forum, which presents the abortion vs adoption topic, itself a misrepresentation of adoption, and has a handful of posts, of which only one, does the adoptee author come anywhere near actually knowing that her birthmother had contemplated having an abortion, is posted second to the top of the Adult Adoptees section. I would think it more appropriate in the Adult Adoptees section to have sub-forums near the top addressing something along the lines of the "Lifelong Issues in Adoption" as presented at [url=http://library.adoption.com/articles/lifelong-issues-in-adoption.html]Lifelong Issues in Adoption -[/url] rather than a sub-forum devoted to guilt tripping adoptees for even being alive. That would be number three of those issues by the way. I don't recall asking for the sub-forum to be removed in my initial post. As a moderator, you do have the power to remove or re-organize posts. In that regard, I can view forced silence in only one direction, but you may want to review those seven lifelong issues again, especially number seven, about mastery and control. Coercion I fail to see going anywhere, and don't understand how it applies at all to either my initial post, or your responce to it? Right (very long pronouciation there), which is why you opened your responce with notifying me I was welcome not to participate. I fail to see the transition within your responce from that point to how there's room for my differing opinion. Additionally, if you care to actually address any of the concerns I'd expressed in my objection to the sub-forum of "She Chose Adoption (vs Abortion)" in general, and in being cataloged as second from the top of the Adult Adoptee section, I'd be more than happy to read them.

I'm very new to these boards, as my adoption is just now starting to play a role in my life. I just wanted to share that I grew up knowing I was adopted from a closed adoption as far back as I could remember. I've never seen this as a negative thing, but as a joyous thing because I saw how much joy it brought to my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. They are my family, there is no question about it and if I could share a fraction of the love that I've experienced with them I would. They are my parents, my role models, my friends and I would do anything for them. They have supported every decision I've ever made. My mom's hair turned grey from worry when I was in Iraq with the Army, and I hated myself for it. I love them with everything that I am and it is returned 150% from them. I hope that someday very soon I can share with my birthmother a portion of the love that my parents have given me, and thank her for the joy that was brought to them when they found out they were recieving a son.

Thanks Imprttuner, My husband and I are in the process of becoming liscensed to adopt. I appreciated hearing your story and the way you knew from a kid that you were adopted and loved by all your family. I thank you for your post, I needed to see a happy story today. :D God Bless You, and thank you for your service in Iraq as well. I wish you well, and pray you find what you are looking for with your birthmother as well. In His Service, Gospelfan

I am new to this site and new to blogging ! I am also a blessed adoptee. I wanted for nothing and have known of my adoption my whole life. I had a wonderful family ,. wonderful life and experiances, I may not have had otherwise. My parents always told my AB and I that we were "special gifts". I have always been proud of my adoption and every mothers day thank and pray for my birth mother whoever she is, for giving me the oppurtunities in life that she was afraid she could not. With so many children placed in orphaniges or worse, left with parents that didn't wish to have children. I feel that I am special. My adopted family is now all gone and decesead so I am looking for the oppurtunity to thank my birth mother and family. I am a complete person and do not need them to complete me but to know they and I are extensions of each other.

Well said! I'm glad to hear someone else that had a similar experience to me. These positive stories about our families too. So much of this site focuses on the search procedure and not enough on our actual lives and what has shaped us. Many of us are blessed to have so much love in our lives. The love from our adopted family that actually WANTED us and the love of our birthparents that made such a hard choice to give us the lives that they believe they couldnt.

I agree. I am not bitter against BM. She gave me a better way. That is love.

I had a positive experience being adopted. However, mine had some bumps in the road so to speak. I was born in the early 1960's and given up for adoption. My birth parents were teens (15 and 17 years old). Although the mother that raised me loved me with her heart and soul, my dad had a take it or leave it attitude as far as children goes. This was very evident when he left (I was 5 years old). He got his truck and drove out of the driveway and left. Six months later, my parents officially divorced. This was one reason why I was put up for adoption (to avoid this situation). I rarely saw my dad and didn't for many many years. My mother had had one child who she nearly died giving birth to and was advised not to have another child. She chose to adopt as this would be the safest way for her to have another child. She thought everyone she have at least 2 children because an only child would be lonely. My older brother and I were raised by her and her mother (maternal grandmother). I was never referred to as her adopted daughter. I remember both of us back in the 1980's watching a show (I believe Barbara Walters interviewed him) where Michael Regan (one of President Reagan's children) was interviewed. He was refered to as the adopted son of Maurice and Ronald Reagan. I remember my mother having a fit about that (she said he's their son, not their adopted son). She would never have said, this is my son and my adopted daughter. I was her daughter period. I knew I was loved which is a very important thing because many people who come into the world aren't loved by anyone. I don't have the medical history that my adopted parents have (their medical history is bad). Both parents had serious health issues which they suffered with for years. My mother died an early death due to these health issues (she was 68 years old). I say this because other family members lived well into their 80's and beyond. My father had these issues but he was a more hardy stock and lived to be 80 years old. Sadly my brother has had these health issues and he's had them much earlier in life that they did. The medical history of my biological parents is good. They have good genes for the most part. The only thing that isn't good was that both great-grandmothers on both sides of the family died of breast cancer before they were 45 years old. No one else has had the disease. I'm only slightly more at risk for it.

I'm confused ... where do I go to see this new section?

:love: I am the product of an extremely successful open adoption. I definitely had my troubles throughout childhood dealing with being adopted. Until I was about 13-17 I acted out, unknowingly due to anxieties I had due to being an adopted child. My parents stuck by me, they were open to talking about my adoption, I don't even remember ever not knowing that I was adopted or ever not knowing my birth parents. I know that there are a lot of adoptees who search for their birth parents well through adulthood and some who never find them. I can imagine that that is quite heart wrenching. Even with an open adoption I have faced a lot of the usual issues that adoptees have, Knowing my birth parents by no means has ridded me of adoption induced anxieties but surely they have helped to calm the anxieties somewhat. I am so so so thankful for my parents. They were so understanding throughout my whole life, they were willing to recognize that some of my issues were out of their realm of expertise and they got me help, they did everything they could to stand by me no matter what I put them through. When I look back I can't even believe how lucky and blessed I am to have the parents that I do. And, I know how much care and thought my birth mother put in to choosing the right parents to raise me. She said she chose my parents because "they had an immense capacity for love", my birth father says that my parents wanted a child so much that they "would have adopted an alien and loved it just as much as they love me." For me, adoption has been a true blessing. Sometimes I just think of how different my life would be if my birth mother hadn't been so logical and decided to put me up for adoption. My life is so much better because of the selfless decision that she made. This is my Vlog: [url=http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUXicJSZm00bamuNRrqfIPzw]Uploaded videos - YouTube[/url] I talk about adoption from the perspective of an adoptee and post a new video every Sunday. I cover a multitude of topics and love to have responses from adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents alike.:) xoxo J

What growing up in an open adoption has taught me. <3 [url=http://www.americaadopts.com/what-growing-up-in-an-open-adoption-has-taught-me/]What Growing Up In An Open Adoption Has Taught Me | America Adopts[/url]

So glad to hear you had a good experience also:) my parents were awesome, and I am grateful to bio mother for her decision.....Some people are so bitter because they had a terrible adoptive life. I wont apologize for having a positive adoption experience. Have met my bio 1/2 sister and her family, and meeting bio mother in 3 weeks. nervous!

rmlf1 Welcome to the forum. Your nervousness is completely normal. Kind regards, Dickons