The day my life changed

[FONT=Arial]I was a Senior in High School. I was modeling for an independent photographer. I was in love with my High School Sweetheart. Then things came to a screeching halt.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]I knew I was pregnant right away, but I couldnt admit it. If I didnҒt acknowledge it then it couldnt be happening, until I felt the first flutter. I told my boyfriend and he was in denial, we continued on, not acknowledging. I successfully hid the pregnancy from my mother for almost 5 months. She confronted me, I denied it. She literally dragged me to an abortion clinic. I was 18 at the time, she lied about my age, and she didnҒt leave me alone with anyone at the clinic. They made her leave the room when they did the sonogram, I begged the lady to tell my mother I was too far along. Tears running down my face, I begged and begged, she told me she couldnt lie to my mom. We waited in the waiting room for a little while then they called my mom and me into a little room. There in that little room the Counselor told my mother I was too far along for this procedure. I was relieved, they did tell her I was too far. They gave me three business cards and told me if I wanted to go through an adoption then I needed to contact these people.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]When we got home I called the three Agencies. There was one woman I was drawn to. I met her two days later, I felt very safe with her. She was very upfront about only doing Closed Adoptions. I was okay with that, I was scared that if I was in my babyҒs life I would end up destroying it and she deserved better than what I could give. I can only say good things about the Agency I went through; I really do believe they were a blessing to me. I spent four months visiting the Agency and going to the doctors and trying to hide my pregnancy. I was pretty much a recluse during that time. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Then the time came, the day that would forever change me. I woke up about 5am that Saturday, ate breakfast, curled my hair, put on make up, I did the things I was too tired to do before. I went to work at a little clothing store. I was wearing navy blue capri leggings, my boyfriends white button down shirt and my navy blue Keds. I got to work and couldnt figure out why I had to keep running to the restroom, turns out my water was breaking! My Manager took me to the hospital. Once I was in a room she left. I was there for a few hours, easy labor, never felt contractions!! I was wheeled off to the delivery room. It didnҒt take long before I heard the first cries, they laid her on my chest, and she stopped crying while they were cleaning up. I fell in love with her. She was so tiny and so beautiful. Then we were separated.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Later that night a nurse brought this beautiful baby into my room. I was afraid to touch her, but I finally scooped her up and held her close to me. I did this several times a day until our last day together. The last day I held her for three hours. I told her why I couldnt keep her and I love her so much and we will meet again. They wheeled her away and that was the last time I saw my precious Angel. The Agency came in and I had to sign the papers. I didnҒt want to, but I had to. She deserved so much more than what I could provide. The only way I could sign the papers was to stuff the emotions down, which I did. My boyfriend broke up shortly after, we did get back together, but a few months later I couldnt continue with him, there was too much pain.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]With my emotions stuffed so far down I began my journey, alone and in darkness. There is a void I spent so many years trying to fill. I was trying to fill it with just about anything, but nothing would work. Two failed marriages and another beautiful daughter, I was still empty. I didnҒt come out of the dark until I met my current husband. I didnt figure out was the emptiness was until last July, it is my first daughter.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Within a matter of days after registering I did find my daughter. She is 18 now, a beautiful girl, a Freshman at a Private College, she had everything I could of ever wished for her. On her 18th birthday I contacted the Agency. About two weeks later I received an email, she is not ready to meet me. SheҒs still young and she should be focused on college. She knows Im here and she knows I never stopped thinking of her.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]So here I sit, patiently waiting for her to be ready. In the meantime, I am just beginning to step out of the Birthmother Closet and IҒm starting to pull off that Scarlet Letter society put on me all those years ago. I have a wonderful group of girlfriends who are helping me through this journey and I found amazing support from the members on this board. I am a woman who chose life because I fell in love with a flutter and I loved the flutter so much I knew she deserved more than I could possibly give her.[/FONT]