I really don't like the way I'm feeling...

This is so true! Your dd is still young and you are still adjusting to being a mother and your feelings are normal.I can remember the first time I felt that twinge of insecurity. It was when ds was 3 and we were with his bmom and bbrothers and we took a picture of all of them together. My heart just twisted because my first thought was, "this is where he belongs." My next thought was, "no it isn't, he belongs with us." I was so confused and torn over those two conflicting emotions! I don't feel that way now, but I would imagine from time to time other doubts will arise. They do will all parents. Big hugs! ((((((((tee)))))))))

Karen ~ you are not alone. At all. I empathize completely with having to work through these kind of feelings over and over. It's taken a really long time for me to even feel comfortable when others call my children "my children". I know they are in my heart and mind, but it's been hard not feeling disloyal (? don't know if that is really the right word??) or untruthful by calling them mine, when the fact is, I share them with someone else. I work through these feelings lots. I know I'm their Mom yet I know that I share that role, even if my children's first mothers are not overly involved at the moment. I hope they will be in the future. As for friends understanding, that is truthfully why I come here. Most people IRL don't understand what open adoption really means and it freaks them out to think we are keeping that door open. So you do have to find alternate avenues of support. Blessings...

From Bromanchik: This struck a chord with me and describes the sadness I feel to the core of it, in words I've never been able to express. I wish that there was no challenge to my "motherness". Every day I wish that, but every day it is challenged. And often, the greatest challenger is... me. I have always wanted to be a mother, and that is what sent me on this journey. Who knew the joy of being Mom to Bug and Roo would have so much pain intermingled with it. It definitely was not what I ever expected. I never expected to feel so insecure, not in my ability to parent or to care for and love my two babies deeply, wholly, unrelentingly, but in my "role" as their mother, to be called a mother when I know I wouldn't be one were it not for someone else. Who deserves that? No one. Therefore, how can it be? And how can we make it work because it does happen? In the cases of my kids, it needed to happen as their lives would have been chaotic at best, short-lived at worst had they been through some of the difficulties their birth families have suffered since we've known them. People say to me "well they're better off with you... they're so lucky to have you". Well... I don't feel that way at times. Mostly, because I know they have lost. Even if their lives are easier and more with us, they have lost the whole relationship that you can only have with those you are related to. I mean, I even see this in my marriage... DH and I have separate relnships with our families of origin that neither of us understand. I don't understand how he can put up with so much from them, and likewise, he can't understand how my family works. Would this be the same with bio families? I don't know... maybe I'm reading too much into all these feelings, but I want desperately to give my kids (there I said it!!!!) all that they need to be all that they are put on earth to be. So I work hard, HARD, at keeping threads of communication open with birth families who really aren't able and/or willing to have a relationship with us. What else can I do? They are a part of us. Well... there it is, it's out there. Don't know if anyone will read it, but I feel better for admitting it. Now to do the hard work of making these relationships work... for us, for them, but most of all, for my precious Bug and Roo. I acknowledge this... wholeheartedly. Really, we're all in this together... All I can say is WOW. That is alot o' hard work. It takes two sides. What do you do when the other won't/can't participate in bringing the two together. I get no acknowledgement, for the most part, of my communication with them. What happens then???

Teegrainca,While open adoption can be a wonderful thing, it also has its' own dilemas to work through.We are in an open adoption. I have had many times already when I feel insecure when I think or speak to our daughter's birthmother. We do have a great relationship, and she is so wonderful. She has two other children, with whom her relationship with them is excellent. So, many times I have already wondered if I can be as good a mom as she is.I have wondered if our daughter is in the right place, or would she have been better with her birthmother's family. And, later, when our daughter will hopefully meet her birth-siblings, will she feel that she would rather have ben there?I have even wondered if she has ever felt that maybe after getting to know us, she wished she would have chosen someone else. That last part stems from the fact that for a short time she had felt she would go with another couple for a while, then began exploring other options/families when she went to the agency. (This other couple are friends of ours, and a couple of the birthmother's friends were trying to get her and the other couple together. She had decided, though, that certain things she wanted she may have found in another couple, and knew that she would look at other families when she contacted the agency.)Our daughter's birthmother has never said anything that would make me feel these things. They come from my own self. She is always glad to hear that we are enjoying our daughter so much, and she always refers to her as "your daughter", "your baby", "your girl", etc., so I don't know why I have to have these feelings.These feelings are uncomfortable, and I don't like them either. I guess that's why I have never told anyone. This is my first time to speak about it. But, I think maybe as I feel more secure as a parent, these feelings will start to subside, I hope. I don't feel this way all the time, but like you said, the feelings of insecurities do sneak in.I don't have any answers for you. I can only tell you that you are not alone and you do have support here.

Thanks to everyone here for their candor! One thing I can say is that my DH and his siblings are adopted. His sister had a reunion with her birth mom and she said she felt so complete. (Unfortunately, her birth mom died shortly thereafter). Every time DH's (a) mom says, "karen, when you found your mom...," Karen gets really upset and says, "MOM, YOU ARE MY MOM!!!!" I think it is important to realize that as important a role a birth mom may play in your child's life, YOU are your child's mom that most likely s/he will turn to first for support/nurturing, etc. (as it should be if you are raising a child)....I think it can be equally harmful to kids to try to "distance" yourself because of this feeling that your kid has "2 moms," etc. I frankly find that being an adoptive mom is about 99.5 percent similar to being a bio mom, but there is that small subset of "issues" (maybe I'm naive right now because DD is so small, but I know DH has said that being adopted was never a really big issue in his life). Sorry, I am rambling, but I hope everyone can express their insecurities, but also try to find security!!

It's intersting that this has come up. In the last e-mail that I got from my daughter's a-mom, she was talking about how DD was not ready to start a reunion with her birthparents, and she mentioned in a way how she wasn't ready to hear certain things come from DD, and she mentioned that she knew that might sound selfish. I told her in my response that I didn't think she was being selfish at all, and even so , in this process everyone is a little selfish, whether it be me wanting to know DD or DD eventually wanting to know her history, or a-mom wanting it to be just her and DD for the rest of their lives. Everyone's entitled to it. And although my situation is a bit different (I guess you could say I'm in reunion with DD's a-mom after a closed open adoption) I felt even more respect that she could be honest with me like that. It brought about a new awareness of how she feels right now. So you're not alone. I would think it's pretty normal to feel that way. I think it's great that you can recognize it and express it here, so that it doesn't fester into something that could harm the relationship. I'm finding as well that there aren't may people outside of the adoption "triad" that can truly understand the situation, especially open adoptions, but I think it's great that your committed to making it work!!

Okay, last night Cameron's first mom, E, called. We talked for an hour! The relationship is really growing. (A little background: Cameron was placed with us when he was 10 days old. E had already signed away rights. We were an agency pick after her choice backed out. We did not meet E until Cameron had been with us for almost a week.) So, E has an 18 month old that she is parenting. Last night she was giving me parenting advice. It made me feel funny because she is not just a person on the street that I can dismiss. I feel like I need to put more weight on what she says. My dh says I just need to listen to what she says, but I have no obligation to actually use her advice if I don't think it is good for us. It is just an odd relationship that we are developing here. Both of us are feeling our way through. I think we will end up with a wonderful, strong friendship.

Teegrainca, I have heard about and read different adoptive Mom's express feelings similar to yours and the adoptive Mom author who wrote the article Brenda posted but haven't experienced them myself. Whenever I hear feelings like this I can't help but feel great empathy for the Mommy's and gratitude that I haven't ever gone there emotionally. I can't really address the feelings you have but I might be able to express why I don't have them. Maybe that will help a bit. I feel it's vital for my son to be Mothered COMPLETELY. He deserves that, as all kids do. When I say completely, I mean without hesitation and without equivocation. NOTHING is more important in his life than his relationship and bond with his Mom. There will come a time, much to my chagrin, when he grows and his world becomes much larger. His need will change and our relationship will adjust. But for now... For his sake, I wouldn't entertain a single thought that led me ANYWHERE else. He needs me to be WHOLE in my heart... my attention... my comitment... my crazy Mama love!!! For his sake, I don't feel challenge to "my motherness". For his sake, I don't feel like an "other Mother". For his sake, I relish in the "singularity of motherhood" as I am the only one who Mothers him. It's what I wanted and what he needs and deserves. My son is six and was adopted at birth. I was there watching him come into the world and he came home with me from the Hosptial. He has NEVER expressed any feelings whatsoever (like the adopted son of the author in Brenda's post) that he's had a sad life or pain from understanding his life circumstances. He's fully aware he was adopted, aware of why, knows the whole birth story with all the players. He's not confused. He's not wanting his life to be different. He's a happy, healthy, sweet, smart little dude who has a really good gig going on. He's got a Mama that's crazy for him, close extended family, good friends, good food, good love, and a WIDE open adoption. It can be done. We are living proof. Give it some time. You will grow in your role... your perspective... your comfort as her Mommy. Think about what your beautiful daughter really needs. What does she need you to be, to think, to feel for her to have a full and complete Mother/Daughter relationship throughout her childhood? Nothing should challenge your ability to be exactly what she needs.

Wow.... there are some really beautiful, thought provoking, emotional and inspiring responses here. Thank you all so much... it just goes to show you, this forum can definitely be like "group therapy". I appreciate so much all of your positive feedback. Again, it's nice to know that I am not alone. Just as a follow up, I talked to my daughter's first mom this week. She and first dad are coming to visit us for the weekend of Thanksgiving and I am really looking forward to it. I miss her. We were very close during the adoption process, but due to some issues she has back home, we've been less able to maintain that relationship. Sometimes I think that maybe it's better that way, and other times I think that this would all be so much more natural if we had as much time for eachother as we had 6 months ago. In any event... when we talked, she told me that she was looking at pictures of DD and that she sees how happy she is and how she is provided for in a way that she couldn't possibly do.... and that it made her happy. WOW... That made me feel amazing. I know that she has a lot of sadness in her for her loss in this but for her to also feel happy for us and for DD... well, that just shows you the kind of person she is. Sometimes sharing is easy... sometimes, those feelings creep in of insecurity and selfishness. Why I am so grateful for your responses is because, I think, going forward I can recognize these feelings as normal and not beat myself up for having them. And when the mood strikes, share my feelings here with people who know and care. -Karen

:flowergift: I understand completely! :flowergift: I just wanted you to know that our experiences in adoption are ever evolving. Feelings do become easier to deal with, as time goes by. What bothered us in the begining may not bother us __years down the line. We're going on almost 8 years in this adoption world and those feelings have pretty much subsided. :) Please, always share! I have learned that when I share my experiences with others I also heal. So, by talking about your experiences and wanting someone to help you heal you are helping others in their healing process. "Group therapy".....Truly!:grouphug:

Hi, My husband and I are flying to Phoenix to meet a wonderful pregnant woman who is considering relinquishing. She has two sons already and is only considering relinquishing this third. She wants a very open adoption. At first we were uncomfortable with the idea, but now, after many email exchanges, I feel like I know her and we both really like her and think we can make her part of our life, in order for the child to have what is best> Of course I struggle with the feelings of jealousy and everything you point out above...it is kind of scary and my fears have been perfectly expressed by you. I always have a deep feeling for the birthmother's loss and pain of separation. Reading your beautiful words was oddly soothing because I know it is the truth and you are incredibly strong and honest not only to realize these things, but to speak openly of them and the pain and the tear of the 'knife'....Thank you for your beautiful honesty and I hope your child's life is filled with more love than pain of separation. As it is said, the ultimate adoption scenario is "love doubled, not divided"...

I had major insecurities about DS's birthparents until our adoption was finalized...actually they started subsiding the more I felt like I WAS his Mom...nothing makes you feel more like Mom than rocking a baby at 3 in the morning or being thrown up on! ;-) I think that the majority of these feelings will lessen for you as time goes on...though I can't say that there won't always be a little dig into your heart whenever you hear a birthparent call themselves "mom" or "dad" or refer to you DC as "my son" or "my daughter"....but just wait until your DC calls you "momma"...boy will your heart swell then! ;-) Kat

[quoOpting4Adopting]nothing makes you feel more like mom than rocking a baby at 3 in the morning or being thrown up on! ;-)[/quote] I don't mind the baby throw up.....but the 7year old puking on you after eating a 6 piece mighty kids meal at McDonalds...Well,.lets just say, "My gag reflexes are working".:wings:My poor angel this is the 3rd time hes caught the flu, in 2months.:sick:

LOL! I hear ya! Now that DS is turning 2...it's not as "ok"

((Browneyes)) Thanks for sharing!!! Thanks for saying you feel it's normal. At times, I still struggle with this also. It really helps to talk about it so that we know we are not alone. It's hard to be honest with one another, but when we are, it's a good thing so we each know how the other is feeling. :flowergift: Thank you ((teegraincal)) for talking about this and starting this thread. You have helped me by posting this also. I feel exactly the way you do. It come and goes. With my dd adoption now at 5 years, things are very easy between us but with my son's adoption which is now our second year, it's still very hard for me and I fight the feelings like you do teegrainca This is exactly what I am going thru now. :coffee: Thank you ((Brenda)) for sharing this here. I have been struggling with my ds adoption. Not understanding why I find it easy with my dd and so hard for my ds. When I read the article Brenda share, it all made sense to me now. I wanted him to be all mine.:yoda: I wanted to be his only mother. I willingly and lovingly shared my dd because I got to meet her bmom and form a bond with her at the time of placement, but for my son, that did not happen and it was easy to pretend she didn't truly want him when I didn't see her pain. My son came to me as a closed adoption. Even though I wanted an open adoption for my second child, it did not turn out that way in the beginning. Can I say a part of me was secretly happy when I found out his bmom wanted no contact.:yoda: A part of me thought, he is ALL MINE. I rejoiced in that small notion for a couple of months. This is ONE child that I will not have to share, that will not have another mother in his life like my dd. I didn't realize this until I read Brenda's article. I never put it to words. I thought I was missing the genetic link to my children, but that never felt right to ME since I have no regretts about not having bio. children, but I do have regretts about not being their only mother, that is what I think I have to greive, if I may say that. After having my son for 3 months, I put my feelings aside because I didn't want my son to see his sister having this relationship and for him to feel as if he was not loved by his bfamily. So I wrote to his bmom and I asked her to consider having an open adoption with us. I heard nothing back until the day she showed up on my doorstep and introduced herself as my son's mother. :popcorn:............. That started the second most emotional journey of my life. Part of me resented myself for doing this. Then part of me felt for her, thought she was a nice person and I wanted my son to know his roots, but another part of me sulked and twisted and hung with uncertainity because now I WILL NEVER BE the only mother to my children. I see now that I also threw barriers into this relationship which I caution others not to do. I might have made it harder and while we are still trying to find our common ground, I feel as if I twist and turn with emotion about it all and we are having a rough time finding our way. Reading the article Brenda shared with us, helped me understand why I was feeling so twisted. Why I feel this way. I thank you ((teegrainca)) for sharing your feelings with us and ((Brenda)) for sharing that article. :laundry: I do have peace in that I know what ((My heart)) speaks about is true.. I know when my dd open adoption started, I was a little uneasy wondering where do I fit in now. Each visit I had struggles with, things she said bothered me or I took something the wrong way. Then a funny thing happened. I started to look forward to the visits and really started to enjoy them. I wondered why I couldn't feel this way about my sons bmom. I felt alone and if not for this thread and this forum, I felt as if I was lacking as an open adoption mother because I WAS NOT at peace with it all. I felt I was a fraud but my heart is sincere, so it was so confusing. At times, those feelings do sneak up on you and as Jenna talked about they pass and it's normal. I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE NORMAL. I thought if I was a GOOD open adoption Mother, I wouldn't feel those feelings and when I did, I did not like myself and I became angry and lashed out at others when really I was upset with myself for not being able to handle this better. ((Teegrainca)) your not alone. There are so many more like us that are not bad people or shouldn't feel guilty for how we feel, it is all normal. I know ((My heart)) is right. In time it will become easier. It does help to be able to talk about them in the right place. To be with others who understand and are in the 'SAME BOAT". I hope some part of this has helped you. We are here for you and I thank you for helping me see the light. :love: