What do you think

I'm once again reaching a level or frustrated helplessness concerning my son and just wondered if any of you have any input. Background: He is actually my stepson(had him full time for 4 1/2 yrs). His mom got pregnant at age 16 and was a meth user. She never sought or recieved any prenatal care until she went into labor. D was born early. They are not sure how early but 6 weeks is their best guess. After he was born he had apnea/bradycardia and spent 2 months in a pediatric hospital. Even after being released he was fed through a some sort of a nose tube for awhile. He was also neglected pretty bad when with his mom(unfortunatly quite a bit of time with her) his first couple years. The mom bragged to my sister in law about sleeping for two days straight while he was in her care(3yrs old)...that sort of thing. When he came to live with me at age 4yrs 4 months he had the vocab of 18 months. He knew no colors, shapes, songs, numbers etc. Very few if any self help skills (dressing himself, eating with utensils, brushing teeth etc) I guess I should say at this point that I was fairly unaware of this whole situation. All I knew is that my 'new boyfriends' kids were coming to 'visit' for 2 weeks, could I watch them when he was at work? I guess I really didn't know how severe the problems were. Fast forward 4 1/2 years. D is now in 2nd grade(held him back last year) and recieves Speech/Language, OT and spends quite a bit of time in the resource room, although that has gotten less this year. He is FINALLY reading(Oh, Thank You God, I didn't know if that would happen). He learns in spurts. We spent 2 1/2 years just learning the alphabet and still had off days and then all the sudden he started building words. He seems to have on days and off days. I've learned not to put too much effort into the off days. The only result is frustration. From what the school tells us, he has severe short term memory problems and 'cognitive delays'. Something to the effect of needing 70+ repetitions to get something into long-term vs. normal kids 7 times. My question is not so much school related. I think we finally have him in a decent, adequately staffed and funded place, with teachers who work well with him. I'm wondering about the day to day issues at home. HE IS CHAOS INCARNATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's really hard to explain, but it's like he's missing some very basic, fundamental, foundational understanding of order and organization. NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING has a proper place or use...and yes I know he's an 8 year old boy and I should expect some of it. But like I said it's hard to explain. My 2 year old, and his 7 year old sister both know that a couch is a couch and it's primary use is for sitting. They might occasionally throw a blanket over it to make a fort, jump on it when they don't think I'm paying attention, or if I let them get REALLY rowdy pull the cushions off. But it's still a couch at the end of the day. With D it's different. "Yeah, you can sit on that thing, but the cushions would work really great OUTSIDE for this or that and if I flip it over and move it into this other room I could......." Now let me say I'm not Hitler, but this does not fly in our house. Toys don't last but a day or so if they are lucky, not in their original form anyways. And again I understand kids will be kids and boys will be boys, but this is beyond that. He needed a tow rope for his bike and wagon so he went to his room and cut the electrical cord off of his video game. THANK GOD it wasn't plugged in!!!!!! I tried every sort of organizational furniture and systems. Shelves, totes, baskets, boxes, bags, you name it I've tried it. Three days later I find them outside used for bike jumps or in a carefully dissected piece that was needed for some creation or another. The thing is though is that he doesn't seem to be maliciously or willfully destructive, it's just that he seems to run by a different set of operational guidelines than the rest of us. His room is now bare and almost void of real toys. I've given up decorating it-posters turn into conveniently handy color paper that then morph's into a tent for his action figures who end up dismantled to build a 'castle' and soon everything he has is shredded, shattered and scattered. We have decided to NOT support this behavior by not replacing what is destroyed. He has the option of earning money to buy his own.I do recognize a certain off the wall, unorthodox kind of creativity in all of this and have tried to support that by providing what ever raw materials and tools he needs. He has had pens, paper, scissors, glue, clay, building wood, shovel, hammer etc. But then those are not used for the intended purpose and end up scattered all over and ultimately lost or destroyed and unavailable. Then he wants to use OUR stuff and we are to the point were NO, because IF it comes back it is not in usable form. With all the problems the older two had when they came to me we've had A LOT of ground to cover. Schedule, Routine and Consistancy have been their and my saving grace these last four years...along with a lot of love and patience and understanding from all involved and I thank God that we are where we are today. But as far as D is concerned, he's going to drive me NUTS! I am SO VERY TIRED of explaining, showing, reminding, and ultimately nagging him to do something he KNOWS(ask him he will tell you. He KNOWS.) I have tried every blessed thing his Dad and I along with my mom and friends can think of. Nothing seems to work! I know he has certain limitations like the short term memory thing. We have always made it a point to know our kids well enough to estimate their abilities and hold them accountable to their OWN level...never judged against another. At what point is this because of his delay, or because of some fault in our parenting or a combination of the two. Where do you draw the line of "I know this is hard, but lets try again because I know you can do it" and "I thought he could do this, but maybe I'm wrong"? Is there some sort of Doctor we can go to who will tell us what exactly is different in his head so we understand what sort of bounds we need to work within and the right way to do it? I didn't give birth to this kid, but I love him as my own. In some ways I am so much more aware of and serious about the job ahead of me and my responsibilities towards my 'step' kids. With my son it's just there. With the older two I am so afraid I am going to shortchange them somewhere, that I because I didn't birth them that I'm going to lack some vital maternal drive and let them down unknowingly. They had such a rough start through no fault of their own. They've come SUCH a long ways and I really have great hopes for them(Healthy and happy God, that's all I ask). I just worry that I'm not doing enough to help them catch up. I've looked up what I can on the internet(the schools hate those words :) I see lots of connection to dyspraxia and this Sensory Integration Disorder I read about on here...but it's not a down the list thing. The biggest things we see are:*Short term memory*VERY nearsighted*lack of impulse control(although if he's into something he has great concentration)*DISORGANIZED*hand flapping when excited (not a whole lot though)*walks on tip toes(has for so long feet are shaped funny)*sudden loud noises and noisy busy places bother him, covers his ears*problems with fine motor(writing, tying shoes, breaks pencil lead constantly)*Speech/Language problems, reading problems. Math is his strong point though*Eating. The kid is a horse! He has not a half inch of fat anywhere and eats twice as much as his Dad and I TOGETHER---HONESTLY!!!! He INHALES his food always half off his chair like he is ready to run. We eat breakfast, often a midmorning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner on a very predictable schedule. I HAVE NEVER forgotten or neglected to feed the child yet he starts worrying about his next meal half an hour after he eats. It borders on obsessive in my opinion. If he is given an unlimited amount of food(I mean if I cooked for 10 instead of 5) he would and has eaten himself sick. I try to get him to slow down and chew so his tummy has a chance to tell his brain it's full, but it's a constant battle and I don't want it to be that way. I've taken him to a doctor and she said he is very healthy physically-that he had especially great muscle tone. I feed them healthy too. Lots of fruit, cheese and such for snacks and well balanced meals. No pop, little juice and a small dessert if they eat their dinner(their choice to eat it or not).*Balance...although I'm not sure if that's the right word. The kids rides a bike like nobody's business, runs jumps and all that but at other times he is SO CLUMSY! He will be sitting in a chair and just fall off...like his body forgot what it was doing or something. He trips over nothing all the time and is constantly knocking stuff over. Gravity attacks we call them. Anyways, I just realized how long this is. If you have read this far Thank you :) Any tips, advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. Good websites, books or what kind of doctor or specialist one would go to would be great. Thank you!