5 months pregnant and cousin needs us to adopt

I am a foster mom and I think you would be doing a great disservice to this child if you persue the adoption. You have already said no to this placement allowing her to bond to her foster family. This child may have your wife's family's blood in her veins, but that is not what makes a family. For nine months she has loved and bonded to the only people she knows as family. Breaking that bond would be cruel - IMHO.If you truly want what is best for the child consider what taking her from the only family she knows and loves would do to her.The fact that you have never met the cousin makes me believe that your wife is not that close to her either -- I could be wrong, but it seems that way!

She is not very close to her cousin.

Did the Mother have her the first 9 months?Why was she not placed with a relative right away?Was the brother asked?Why did only the 9 month old go into fostercare?She should have been kept with her siblings. I don't understand what was going on to have just the baby put in fostercare.

My daughter was also 18 months when she made the transition from her birthfamily to my family -- with about three months of foster care in between. Although we had occasional contact during her infancy, we had not seen her for more than six months when we were asked to take her into our home. It's now been almost three years and I can say with certainty that Her Sweetness had no difficulty making the transition. She is a happy, well adjusted little girl and there are no signs that she ever suffered from having more than one loving "mother" during her early years. I don't think that you have to assume that your cousin's little girl would have problems or Be A Problem if she were moved into your care at this point in her life. She might make the transition as easily as our little one did. The thing I'd like to point out about relative adoption is that it isn't meant to meet the needs of the adults involved. It doesn't really matter if your wife and her cousin are close or not. The adoption is not about protecting their bond or about keeping birthmom close enough to be involved in her daughter's life. What matters most, I think, is the adoptee's feelings about growing up in the birthfamily with full knowledge of her heritage and circumstances; instead of growing up full of doubts and questions and being forced to search for answers as an adult. I believe this may be foremost in your wife's mind and heart, as it was in my own. I can see that you have other reasons for doubting your wife's decision to adopt this little girl but I hope I've given you reason to hope that it could work out ... and be a blessing for all of you! DeeCee

[FONT="Trebuchet MS"]I agree with many of the other posters regarding attachment issues. As both an adoptive mother and former foster parent, the needs of the child are paramount. Biology truly takes a second place. To take this 18 month old baby away from 'home' as she knows it could be very detrimental. I watched my own foster daughter go through difficulties with transitioning when she came to our home at 18-months. Are you and your wife willing to endure all that this transition may encompass, especially with the introduction of a new baby? It sounds like your wife is ready to move forward, but if you aren't, I'm not sure that it's fair for the little one or even your family. If you aren't ready to parent this child, then you need to sound the alarm to not only your wife, but her family as well. Your wife isn't the only adoptive parent in this relationship, you count too. You are taking on a lifetime responsibility. Be honest with everyone about your concerns. What a disservice for this baby is she is taken from a home where she is loved and placed into one where she is wanted based on loyalty. k[/FONT]

Tomorrow there is a meeting with the social worker about this. All the research we have done, and even speaking with someone who works with adoption services says that the seperation would be a big deal and with the mom being with the child for the last 12 months that makes it really difficult. There is also a court date in two weeks for permanent placement but i haven't seen these documents. My wife and I think that there is less than 1% chance we could adopt based on where the process is. It would be better to attempt this and lose then to quit and tell the birth mother we didn't try. All in all this is the birth mother's fault for getting into this mess with drugs and four other kids with three different fathers. It's the kids who suffer the most here. Thank you for your opinions and I will update this thread as news comes in.

If you are trying to get this child, hoping you won't, but just so you can tell the birthmother you tried, I think that is unfair to the foster parents. They want to adopt this child they have raised for a year. They will not know why you are trying - this will cause them heartache and worry. As well as expenses on both sides and extra court time. If you feel you cannot get this child, and you really don't want this child, then (in my opinion) don't try. If you are not close to the birthmother, what does it matter what she thinks? Not to mention you can tell her you feel it is in the child's best interest. I think trying to get a child you don't want will cause alot of unneeded heartache - even to the birthmother - who is going to hope that you get her. :(

I am a foster parent who almost had my (now adoptive) son taken away at 18 months by a family member who never met him. I can't even explain how grateful I was when they didn't pass the home study. It's admirable that your wife wants to keep family together, but this foster family is the only family the child knows. The obligation is to the child - not a family member that did not have the best interests of the child when she choose drugs over her child.

I'm going to agree with Spitzlvr about how wrong it is to try to adopt a child that you're hoping you won't be allowed to adopt. I'll just add this to her argument: What if they give you the child that you don't really want? Believe me, it could happen. If you're going to offer yourselves as prospective adoptive parents, I think you need to be sure that you are ready, willing and able to love and raise this baby just like the one your wife is carrying. Otherwise, be honest with your wife's cousin about your reservations and don't let yourself be guilted into doing something that you believe is wrong for your family -- and disastrous for the unwanted adoptee! DeeCee

Has anyone hear read Primal Wound? This child has already been damaged!!! Losing her mother is something she will never forget--the only thing is it may take her most of her life to figure out that the pain deep in her soul is from this event! What is best for this child? It is not what is best for the family!!! You a-parents think you are so wonderful, your martydom will not be lost on your a-children! It will drive an even wider wedge between you because no one wants to feel like they should be grateful for losing thier real family. You need to understand, these are separate issues, losing your family and then being adopted. Don't ignore that they have lost thier family! My a-parents are wonderful people, it has nothing to do with that. She needs access to her mom. There are no easy answers in mother/child separation. And this society is so punishing. Her mother is a sick person, addiction is horrific. And you say what would be worse, being raised by an irresponsible drug addict or by complete strangers, this child will never know what security really is, something will always seem "off" to her. Maybe if this society really cared about families, we could come up with a real solution, instead of a fluffy bunch of bs that adoption is a wonderful miracle. I feel pretty sure that I will get kicked off this site, you adoption crusaders can't deal with anything that doesn't paint a clean, beautiful picture of adoption. Adoption overlooks the loss the child has experienced all to often. What is it about open adoptions that scares you people? Why can't you see that she needs to know where she came from to form her identity? What would visits with her mother and other family members hurt? What is so wrong with her experiencing her natural family? Oh yeah, it might interfere with the "bonding" of the adoptive family. As an adoptee, I have to say, please stop looking out for what you think is in my best interest and keeping me away from my family! If you are still reading, bravo for you! My suggestion would be to push for open adoption so that the pathway is there for her to know both of her families. Just the opinion of another adoption sufferer!

In the meeting with child services last Tuesday, the case worker noted that we are not in contention for the child at this time. We did the fingerprinting anyways, but the chances are super slim. Proceedings began back in June and it's probably too late. Another indicator why this is bad for us is that the birth mother, who contacted us about this first, has not contacted us since the meeting. If she was so interested in us adopting the child then she would have tried to find out what happened and that weighs heavily on us that if she doesn't care why should we raise her child when it is already in a good home. I sincerely doubt that we will be taking the child from it's current home.

My husband and I lost our daughter Hayden when she was 14 months old. She passed away from a heart condition and after she passed I wanted nothing to do with babies. I didn't want to see them, hold them, or even shop for them because doing so, made me sad. No one knows what it is like to lose a child its the hardest thing a person can go through. She passed away 3 years ago. Recently, a friend of mine asked me to adopt her newborn baby girl. They cannot afford another child and she has lost custody of some of her other children. The children she has now lives in very poor conditions. I know now that I will be changing this baby's life by giving her a better chance. We have decided to adopt the baby and even though this baby will never replace Hayden, I have been doing a lot better because I was sad everyday. Hayden was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought about when I laid down. I was sad all the time. Now that we are preparing for a new baby things have been easier and mostly because I am making a difference in a child's life which is the same thing you will be doing. This will not be an easy decision for you and I hope my story helps you make the right decision.

I don't think that a homestudy worker or adoption agency or court would approve a placement where husband and wife are not on the same page about the adoption. An adoption should never drive a wedge between husband and wife, and a child should never come into a household where one party is not fully committed to parenting him/her. Many agencies would also be very reluctant to approve a placement where the child would be coming into a home where a baby was about to be born or was recently born, except in emergency situations where the child has no other safe place to go. You and your wife have had to struggle with miscarriage and difficulty conceiving, but are finally going to welcome your first biological child. It is a very exciting time, and you are going to want to devote a lot of attention to this child. If you bring another child into the family at this time, there's a real risk that she is not going to get all the love and attention you will be lavishing on your newborn. And that is not at all fair to her. And you are going to learn, when you give birth, what it's really like to add a child to your family. It isn't easy. You don't know if your child will have any health issues. You don't know if he/she will be a good sleeper or a good eater. You don't really know the impact of having a child on your budget, your sex life, your time to pursue work or personal interests. You, your spouse, and your child should have at least a year to adjust to life as a family before you proceed to add another child, unless there is no alternative. And in your case, there is a wonderful alternative -- keeping the child in the foster family that has raised her since she left her birthparents. Yes, it's nice when a child can be adopted by members of his/her biological extended family. But most adoption professionals will tell you that it's much more important for the child to have as few disruptions of the parent/child bond as possible, and for him/her to be in a home where he/she will get all the love and attention he/she needs to feel secure. In your case, the child whom you are considering adopting lost birthparents, but has been living in a very loving family; why add another loss to her short life? And why take her away from a family that has the ability to put the child first and give her all the love and security she deserves? It just doesn't make sense, especially when YOU don't really want the child and when your wife is likely to be very busy caring for a newborn. What would seem to be in the girl's best interest would be for her to be adopted by her foster family, with the understanding that they would try to allow some contact with members of her extended birth family. If the birthmother ever gets off drugs and puts her life back on track, perhaps there can be contact, though that doesn't seem likely in the near future. But it would be lovely if there could be contact, even if only by letter, email, and phone, with the extended birth family -- people like you and your wife, who are decent folks. It's always nice for a child to have lots of people who care about her, and it's always special for an adopted child to grow up knowing that there are people to whom she is biologically related who want to remain part of her life, at least in some way. Sharon

I wanted to post a followup from my original post 7 years ago in this forum about adopting a cousin's child. We did not adopt the girl, and after making that attempt have not heard from that cousin since. For us, my wife was pregnant at that time with our first child. He was born healthy and beautiful in 2007 and since then we've had two more children (2009 boy and 2013 girl). I hope for the best for you all reading these adoption forums and that you find the answers you are looking for. Thanks for reading and offering your opinions - it did help me!

Congrats on your family!! And thanks for the update!