All is lost, or so it seems - Warning it's Long

Wow, where do I start. I am the Birthparent to 2 beautiful boys (16 and 11). Both adopted by the same family. I had my first child when I was 16 years old. I tried so hard to raise my child on my own. And I was on my own. No help from family, or birthfather. My son was a little over 2 when I found out abut open adoption. After much discussion with the Agency I was convinced that open adoption was a godsend, that it wasnt really giving my boy up, as much as it was providing him with an ideal future. My son was 2 ҽ years old, when I finally found a perfect family, and surrendered him to adoption. For the following 11 years we were the model of a successful open adoption, after tremendous amounts of work, and communication, we had become a family. I had transitioned into not just a birthmother, but a true part of the family unit. And I was happy, the children were happy, even the adoptive parents seemed happy. We were invited to speak at many events for open adoption through our agency. We embraced our new kind of family. I spent a great deal of time getting to know the A-parents family and friends, as they did mine. The way we all saw it we had not just adopted children but created a village for those children to be loved and nurtured inside. Then 3 years ago, it all started falling apart. The A-parents announced that they were separating. It was a tearful phone call with the A-mom where I first heard. She was apologizing to me, she was telling me how she had failed me, how she had failed the children. That now the dreams for them having a happy life were over. I told her not to be ridiculous. That neither she nor the adoptive dad had ever failed me or the children. That is they were not getting along separating was the right thing to do... both for them, and for the children. That the kids were strong. And so were we. All that we had now was a new challenge. Look how well we had all done with adoption, look how we had found a way to be a family even despite the odds against us. It was certain that we would all find away to stay a family even with our new situation. Boy was I wrong. Since then it has gotten worse and worse. And I have been thrown in the middle of it all. The A-parents fight constantly. For the longest time it was a tug of war over my allegiance. They would take turns telling me terrible things about each other. Terrible. They were vicious. The fought for the childrens love. Telling the children things that no child should ever have to hear about another parent. Things I cannot even repeat. (they are that bad) I tried to help. I tried to stay impartial. I even offered myself as a mediator. I reached out to the adoption agency for help. I asked if maybe they could council them. I was given a cold shoulder by the agency. Eventually They stopped talking at all. The A-mom, cut off all communication between the children and the A-dad. She started calling me daily, she was using me as her go between. And then the breakdown started with the children. The oldest first. They were fighting almost constantly. Really volatile fights. Pushing, slapping, shoving name calling. It was getting terrible. Eventually the A-mom was calling me and my husband out to her place to either take the older one out of the home to stay at our place until he calmed down.. or to sit there for hours and lecture him on respect. I reached out to the A-dad. I told him what was going on and begged him to try to work things out with the A-mom, for the sake of the kids. He said yes, and so did she. I was in the process of setting up a mediation appointment when I got a hysterical phone call from her. Apparently the A-dad had called her they all started fighting. He drove out and picked up the oldest boy and took him to live with him. The A-mom had told the boy he was dead to her, that if he chose to live with his dad he would have to give up his family. That she no longer had a son etc.. etc.. She stuck to this. Refusing to speak with him, or care for him at all once he had moved in with his dad. She demanded I that I take custody of him. That she would rather have him with me than his A-dad. I refused. I told her that that was insane, that moving him in with me was too disruptive. That they were that parents, and should start acting like it. She refused to calm down. She insisted that I make sure he was enrolled in school. I accepted. Later that month I helped the A-dad register the oldest boy in highschool. I tried to get the A-mom to help with school prep.. (The A-dad could not afford it) She refused. So I bought our boy his school supplies and clothes, and paid his school fees. I tried to get her to attend his Parent teacher interviews.. she would not. But would demand that I would go so that I could fill her in. So I did. I kept trying to get her involved, but she would not have anything to do with her oldest child. I was at a loss. One evening I was talking to her, and suggested that maybe our oldest boy living with his dad was not such a bad thing. After all one of her major complaints had been that the A-dad was not doing enough for his children. I said not only will he have to deal with the day to day discipline, and care. But it will allow you to repair your damaged relationship with our oldest. I told her it was an excellent time to get to know him again, to spend some time having fun, traveling being the fun parent for a change. It would be positive. After all.. it was not like the oldest boy had murdered someone.. he had simply decided to try living with his dad for awhile.. It was normal in a divorce situation, for children to idealize their absent parent. This would be good for him. It would remove the glamour. 2 months later I received a court document in the mail. She was suing the A-dad, and she was suing me! She was accusing me of trying to steal her children. And believe it or not alleged that I was having an affair with the A-dad. (I am happily married, and the A-parents are older than my parents) She was trying to block any and all access that I had to either child. And shut me and their A-dad out of their lives completely. Well I did not know what to do. I tried talking to her, but all she would do is scream obscenities at me on the phone. I did not bother getting a lawyer. The lawyers I talked to told me it was a silly charge and no judge would take it seriously.. So I just went to the court date to see what would happen. I sat there frozen, not being asked or allowed to speak for myself. I sat there listening to her lawyer portray me, as a Biological parent, who had appeared out of nowhere recently, started sleeping with her x husband, and been trying to steal her children away from her. The judge was appalled.. She sent the case from family court to court of queens bench, since it seemed to her to be a case of extreme seriousness. I got a lawyer. Months went by, the oldest boy was getting worse and worse. Acting out, running away, skipping school, doing drugs and drinking. And neither of the A-parents would do anything about it. No punishments. Do discipline of any kind. The worst of it was when he got caught stealing a car with his friends. He narrowly escaped being formally charged because of his age. But instead of an appropriate punishment. The A-parents had decided to take the kids camping. Together. No punishment no discussion.. Just good time with their A-mom their A-Dad, and her new boyfriend. It was the weirdest thing I had ever seen. The next day I fired my lawyer. I did not see a point in continuing fighting in this bizarre battle they were having. A couple of months later the case went before a judge. Neither the A-mom or dad attended the hearing. My husband and I went. The judge set out their custody, but refused to deny me access. He assigned me visitation, and added that contact between me and the children be open and unimpeded. The A-mom refused visitation. She refused to let the children contact me. She refused to let them see their A-dad. Basically every term written in the order has been breeched. By this point I was sick of all of it. I was emotionally drained҅ Exhausted. My husband and I decided to move. We put our house on the market, and bought another house on the other side of the country. 2 weeks later the A-mom kicked out our oldest child. She had kicked him out many times before. But he was 16 now. He left. And showed up on our doorstep. He refused to go home.. She refused to take him back.. She told his A-dad that she had given away most of his belongings, and burnt the rest.. then faxed an invoice for the oldest boy.. An itemized list of all she figured he owed her for her caregivingӔ. We figured it would blow over. So told him he could stay with us for the summer, or until he sorted it out with A-mom.. his A-dad was refusing to take him. But he would have to follow our rules, or our house would not be an option either. He was living with us for 3 months and we had not received a single attempt at communication form his A-mom. I wrote her emails. I asked her to please try to contact him.. She would not. We had sold our house, and had to move soon. We sat our son down and told him what was happening.. that he had 4 choices. 1 move back in with his A-mom. 2 move in with his A-dad. 3 try living on his own. 4 if he was willing to follow the rules he may come and try living with us for awile. Well he spent quite awile making a choice.. I said nothing to him. His A-dad was all for it.. he did not want our son living with him (apparently he felt as though he could not control him) The A-mom had said she did not want him back. I was worried that it would end up our barely able to feed himself 16 year old would be living on his own.. But still I said nothing. 3 days before our moving truck came.. Our oldest sat down with me and said that he wanted to try living with us. We said okay we would try it. We spent the next 2 months of summer getting settled in our new town.. getting moved into our house September came, and we registered him in the local highschool. He had been doing well.. following the rules etcŅ He was even contemplating trying to get in touch with his A-mom.. she had not bothered to try to contact him.. but he was missing her and his brother.. I encouraged it 2 days later I got a call from the school.. She had called the school, and told them that he had been kidnapped. That he was here illegally, and that we had held a gun to her head and stolen her child from herŅ. Our boy was removed from his new school. We hired a lawyer, got him back into school I sent the A-mom yet another email asking her why she would want to hurt her son.. Begging her to just contact himŅ We heard nothing 2 weeks after getting him back in schoolŅ He was called to the office again. This time there was a police officer there to interview him.. Apparently she had filed a police report after his getting back into school. Charging us with kidnapping. We were investigated, our house searched, our lives disrupted yet again.. The end result.. nothing the police would not do anything to us, or to the child since it was obvious he was not kidnapped. And he was 16 years old. But we were getting frustrated. I spoke with A-dad again, and asked him to talk to her.. to try and get her to just speak with her son. She refused, and told him that she was not done with us yet. I asked what she wanted.. Does she want him back? Why does she not call him? She said that she did not want him back.. that he was not welcome in her house.. And the A-dad still felt he could not handle him, and was happy with him being with us until he finished school We were at a loss. So here we were with this child that nobody but us wanted in their home. Fighting constantly to keep him in school, and calm. Against a woman who not only does not want him but wonŒt even speak to him. Then came the icing on the cake. She filed yet another suit the other day. Now she is trying to block our oldest boy form having any contact with his younger brother. Citing that he is a bad influence, and dangerous to our youngest. That is where we stand today. What once was a happy (although unusual family) Is now in complete disarray. And I am lost. I do not know what to do. Suddenly I feel like I am right back to where I was 14 years ago. An unplanned parent, of a child the world does not want me to have. Now I worry about our youngest He is alone, alienated from almost everyone who cares about him. I am at a loss... Any advice would be wonderful, maybe a shoulder to cry on?