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I have a question. We have recently met our bmom (a friend introduced us- so it's a VERY open adoption) in the past we've worked thru and agency (and had a failed placement) so things were much more 'guarded' so to speak. I'm having some issues though with the fact that we live in the same town! But all that being said I am very confident bmom will be giving up this child. She has already given two children up (this is actually her 5 pregnacy she's kept two also), and she is also serving time in prision, so she would not get to be w/ the 'baby' for almost a year.
Anyway my issue is that my dh and his family (including extended- and this isn't that big of a town!) have grown up in the town we currently live in, as well as our bmom- she too has lived here w/ her mom and brother her whole life... Now apart from meeting her in Oct- my dh and her have never met/knew eachother. I love our relationship w/ the bmom but recently I'm getting concerned because my in-laws have no boundries when it comes to others business, and I know that they have 'discussed' details of this adoption w/ others (who also live in town). And have gotten her full name from my sweet but naive dh!:grr:
Now I'm not hyper sensitive about not sharing my childs story w/ others- but it does concern me that so many people will know this bmom/ and her story- which is also my child's story (he's not due actully until Jan. 4).
Now my family lives in another town, but just today I heard my sister tell a 'relative' about our bmom's history and it infuriated me. :mad: But she really knows only a few details, compared to my dh's family.
So....
I've been thinking about writing a letter to our family and close friends, just discussing the fact that what they do or do not know about our adoption is not 'their story' to tell others, and that we expect that for our childs sake and our birthmothers sake they will keep private matters confidential. That this is our child's story to tell, and learn for that matter, and that he may feel betrayed that "others" knew his story long before he did... or heaven forbid be told 'gory details' (likely unacurrate details) of his history.
When we decided to adopt I (we) wrote a letter to our families/friends telling them of our decision and even our decision to adopt bi/multi racial children. We wanted their feedback upfront so we would have to deal w/ the hurtful comments after our child was with us...
But now with this situation I feel as though, everyone feels freedom to ask/know/discuss any of the information they know about w/ whomever.
We have not told our families everything, though they do know some basic's that we don't think should be public knowlege to everyone (ex. prision). So do you think I'm out of line in writing a letter?
I know this is long, but let me just 'mention' this... my dh's aunt has worked at the local school's 'after school/daycare' program for over 20yrs. she knows just about everyone in town... I can picture her having someone be excited for dh and I and saying..."When did they get a baby?" and her responding... "Oh remember (bmom's name) it's her baby, she's in prision and ...etc" I DON'T want our buisiness all over this town- that's too much for me, and I really don't think it's fair to our bmom!
What do you think?
Thanks for taking time to read my 'novel'... there's just so much on my mind...
Jenn.
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I think first you should consider giving gifts of the book "Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know" by Patricia Irwin Johnston. It's quite good.As for this expectant parent's story, I have found that the bigger an issue you make it, the 'jucier' the story for all. Also, especially in a small town, the more you try to hush something up, the worse the misinformation and controversey.As long as the story is basically accurate, I'd leave it be. Her life is her life, and it's only an issue if you make it one. Treat it as a shameful secret, and that's what this child will grow up believing it is. Treat it as no big deal 'yes, honey, your bmom made some choices that resulted in her going to prison', and they will also think it's no big deal. Children and family take their lead from us. As for learning his story before he does, well, we all have that to an extent (bio or not). The surest way though to keep him aware of his 'story' from his first memories is to consistently and constantly tell it to him from birth.JMHO, best.Regina
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Well, there isn't much you can do about this situation now. Your relatives know, and they're gossipy, so they're probably going to tell people no matter what you do.In the future, you might think about simply not telling them anything you don't want broadcast all over town. You're under no obligation to share every last detail of your lives with everyone related to you. If you want to control where information gets distributed, then the first person to stop gossiping has to be you.Now that your prospective child's story is out, though, you might want to think about destigmatizing it. Just make it matter of fact, so that if and when somebody comes running up to the child to share all the juicy details, the kid will just shrug and say "so what? I've known that all along?"
"In the future, you might think about simply not telling them anything you don't want broadcast all over town. You're under no obligation to share every last detail of your lives with everyone related to you. If you want to control where information gets distributed, then the first person to stop gossiping has to be you."
One of the things I've found to be quite challenging as an adoptive parent is the general lack of experience the general public has with adoption, especially open adoption, and the endless curiosity about it that results. It's not like childbirth or marriage or even other types of adoption such as international or foster care, where there is so much "out there" that people simply aren't terribly "nosy" about it - they assume that if the child is adopted from foster care that there's abuse or neglect involved, and as far as international mostly they ask 'what country'. Most of what's out there in domestic is really negative or pure myth!It's with domestic parental placement that people are soooo curious - who are these people? What are they like? How did you meet? Were they drug users? A prostitute? Homeless? Can they take the baby back a year from now? Five years? I'm sure your friend was not intending to be gossipy, just reacting to the intense curiosity. And in a way, it's not a bad thing. This child has a history that predates you - genetic, ethnic, medical - and that is becoming part of your family. There's no hiding that, as much as many have tried to do so. The trick is not to make it a dirty little secret or to allow it to become the reason "Sammy" throws rocks = because his bmom is in prison and he's a 'bad seed'. Like I said before, sometimes the best strategy is to let the story out and manage it craftily and with positive spins. There's no shutting the box, and trying to shut it only communicates the message that you are not OK with your son, where he came from and who gave him life. If you're truly OK with it in your heart than they will take that lead and be OK with it too. If you are not, then it will be controversial and it will color not only your life within your families but your life with your child as well. It's as simple as that. Every child deserves parents who are delighted with every aspect of him, including his biological history. It's a big part of who he is. Take that from a mom who sees her son's bfamily in him every single day, and rejoices, rather than cringes from it.Just some thoughts.Regina
Regina-
Thank you for your words, I agree- I don't want him to be ashamed of where he came from, but I do worry about the cruel comments from others, but I have decided to just 'embrace' this, as there will always be curiosity around adoption! I am hoping the discussion will become less about his bmom and her history and more about him once he's born and in our arms!
Thank you for the insight- I really do love our bmom- she's an amazing young woman- who unfortunaltey just made a bad choice- but w/out her- we wouldn't get to start our family- she is giving us the singlemost precious gift - and I guess some of my concern is for her and her privacy!
Thanks for your imput.
Jenn.
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