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Hi everyone. I don't really post here because I have not had a failed or contested adoption in the real sense. But we were chosen as adoptive parents and only 6 weeks away from the birth when the father/ex-boyfriend of the Mother blocked the adoption. It's a long story but the Mother and her Aunt told me not to worry because they knew how to convince him... Suddenly we were told he was firm and they suggested some crazy plan involving denying paternity and claiming the baby was stillborn. I was devestated not only because it was over, but because these 'rational' people who I had become so fond of were willing to do something so crazy and put us all at risk. Well, my problem is, ever since the day I walked out of their house, I keep dreaming about them and thinking that they will call. I used to talk to them every day and in five seconds our dreams and our relationship with them ended. I also wonder how long they knew the father wouldn't budge....if they strung us along or were not the first couple they were working with to see if we would either buy him off or follow their crazy plan. Still....I want the phone to ring. I feel like maybe given space he will sign....I think about the children, they have another baby who lives with the mother and grandmother. The grandmother said in front of me that she cannot live their with two babies. The father is an ex-con who is abusive and drinks a lot. I know that if at all possible, these babies should be with their bio parents but the mother does not want this baby and the father cannot parent. I guess my question is....why can't I just stop thinking about this family. Hoping still that something will change...it breaks my heart. i feel like I'm waiting for the phone to ring all the time but not aware of it. And last night I dreamed about them. Sorry this is so long but I hope someone can relate to my pain and my lack of power to let go!!!! How will God send me another baby if I don't let go of this attachment and hope! Thanks for any feedback at all. S
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Even though what you are going through was early in the hopeful adoptive process the pain is still there. I know all about the hope that they will suddenly call you. Even though with mine being a contested adoption for now almost 17 months, I still have hope the birth father will just let this go. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about what is going to happen next. Being chosen as adoptive parents is a blessing in itself. The minute we were chosen our prayers were answered. Being you were only 6 weeks away ... you already formed an attachment. Years of wishing, dreaming and praying for an angel....months of preparing and your heart is just so filled with joy...then to be let down.- Its only natural you cannot let this go.... Even though your angel was not growing under your heart that angel was growing in it!!! You need to follow your heart...Have you talked to the birth mom since then? I think the not knowing is driving you crazy. Have you asked them about open adoption? Maybe the birth father would agree to open adoption. That is something we suggested to the birth father and he agreed but unfortunately he changed his mind again. Prayer will give you strength. Reading your post it seems to me that you feel there still may be hope - I think and this is my opinion I would call and try to work out something its worth a try....Please keep us posted....God Bless:wings:
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I am so sorry! Our minds tell us what is rational, but our hearts are such a different story! We had a failed situation only last week, and although we never met the mom or saw the baby, he was imprinted in our hearts. For days afterward, I kept thinking, maybe something will change and we'll get a miracle call. This desire is there because HOPE is the force that drives the world! Let yourself go through all these emotions; cry, dream, grieve, etc. All of this is natural. Big hugs to you!!! I hope all will turn around for you soon. Michelle
It is a very troubling time and we need to grieve our loss because for us it is a loss. We first brought twin girls home for a week before the bmom decided to parent. We were devastated because we thought this was to happen to complete our family. 2 things that we were able to take from this very difficult period was: 1. We were now convinced that adopting was the right thing for us to do. I think there is always a little doubt about going all the way with it like, will be good parents etc. We knew we were to continue. and 2. If only for a brief period of time these girls knew unconditional love and were safe. We all understand your turmoil and are here to help in anyway that we can. Each day is a new day and maybe one day closer to that forever phone call and the baby that will complete your family.
No matter how early in the process this was, it is still a loss for you. Your heart needs time to grieve the loss. Then, and only then, will you be able to move on. You may still think about this baby years from now, but the pain will be less intense.
We had a failed placement in Sept 2000. We got to the hospital, held "our" little girl, named her, changed her diaper, counted her fingers and toes...and dreamed. When we arrived from our hotel the next morning for her to be discharged, the mom had decided to parent. Our hearts were broken and to be perfectly honest, I spent the next few days crying and asking God "why?"
It's been six years and I still think of Emily on a regular basis. I pray that her life is happy and secure, and that her mom has been able to parent her effectively. (After the placement failed, we were told that the baby tested positive for morphine in the hospital, so children's services took her anyway.)
My point is this: Emily will, in my heart anyway, be my *first* daughter. I only knew about her and loved her for two days, but she was imprinted on my heart in a very special way.
Hugs to you!
All of your posts remind me that adoption really isn't for the faint of heart. Every day I go on with this is making me stronger, honestly I feel like a warrior in some way....and you are all my inspiration to keep going. Sorry that was a bit corny. But that is really how I feel! By the way, I still wait for the phone to ring I guess i'm not totally done grieving yet. Hugs to all of you and thanks.
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