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I have recently reunited and met in person with bmom and I need for her to tell me my bfather's name. I have a genetically passed degenerative condition that is progressing. She has told me that no one in her family has the condition so obviously it must come from the birthfather's side. Unfortunately she is extremely unwilling to offer me any information about him. Her story of my conception constantly changes but the main gist is that she was 17 and had a one night stand with a more experienced boy. She never told him or anyone else that she was pregnant until the week she gave birth. In the non-identifying information given at my birth she described him and his family members. Now she says she only met him the once. One story was that her oldest brother found out and told her dad who knew the guy's family. The next was that she told her dad the guy's name and immediately following she never told anyone the guy's name and no one else knows. The only consistent thing about her story is that there is always something else she's not saying. She says that she is a very private person and doesn't talk about things from the past. She says that her family is just not like that. They are not interested in family history. Her husband and 3 children don't know anything about me. I don't want to disturb their lives and after several times of requesting the information and being strongly reprimanded, I have backed off from asking because she reacted so strongly and with such anger and I have now just been contacting through email with pretty generalized quick "how are you, what's new" notes. That seems to be working to slowly establish contact. But I do need to know for my doctors' approach with my next steps in treatment. Where do I go from here? Is there a good way to appeal to her? Or do I need to wait and be patient for her to eventually tell me on her own? I'm scared to ask again for fear that she will prevent future contact. Please help?
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I do not mean to alarm you, but your description of your bmother's anger, reluctance to talk, and not sharing with any except (maybe) a male relative suggests that perhaps she was a victim of date rape. If that is the case, it would explain her attitude and lack of information. I don't know how you would raise the subject with her, but if it is the answer she would certainly not want him back in her life in any shape, form or fashion -- including through a mutual bchild.
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Actually that was my first concern as well. I actually already did directly address that potentiality with her several times. However, throughout all of the various stories she has offered that is the one that she consistently has said is not the case. Also with several of the stories she has slipped and said things about knowing the bdad's family and about her family knowing his - always however quickly following up with "oh but..." While I did battle that concern for quite a while her subsequent communications have indicated to me and my husband that whoever he is or his family is will disrupt her current family situation.
Actually that was my first concern as well. I actually already did directly address that potentiality with her several times. However, throughout all of the various stories she has offered that is the one that she consistently has said is not the case. Also with several of the stories she has slipped and said things about knowing the bdad's family and about her family knowing his - always however quickly following up with "oh but..." While I did battle that concern for quite a while her subsequent communications have indicated to me and my husband that whoever he is or his family is will disrupt her current family situation. As much as I hate for that to happen, I cannot receive certain potentially helpful treatments unless or until I can offer family medical history.
Maybe you need to talk to her and let her know you need to know the info and if she doesn't tell you then you will search for the information. Maybe that will give her the push you need...and you are being upfront with searching for the info elsewhere. It's stories like this that keeps me in touch, somewhat, with my DD's birthdad. I think it's important that all adoptees have the necessary info at hand. Hopefully someone will have an idea that will help you get through to her!!
Since it is a important medical issue I would tell her that you are considering petitioning the court for your birthfather's identifying info. Of course you run the risk of totally alienating her, so you need to decide if the potential of the treatment to improve your health is worth risking your relationship with her. There is certainly something she is not telling you. Could the father have been a married man? Whatever she is trying to keep secret, she is doing it at the expense of your health. I hope you find out the truth.
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I to am a reunited adoptee with bmom she was raped plain and simple and that is difficult to deal with. Is there anyone a friend, her older brother that you can talk to? If she was raped do not expect a warm welcoming from your bdad if you find him it was my experience that bdad was VERY NASTY to me and that hurt alot. Not only did I get hurt byu him but her would not give me any information that I needed anyway. Some people were put on the earth for one reason and one reason only to make everyone else they possibly can to be miserable. maybe your mom is trying to save you from teh anguish and hurt that he might put on top of you when you are already ill.
I started this thread shortly after we began contact and unfortunately things have not improved. She now has been telling me that she loves me and signing things with love. I simply cannot reciprocate this. Not only is she a stranger to me but I don't understand how she can "love" me and voluntarily be keeping me ill. She won't tell me his name and each time I walk on the eggshells to talk with her she gives me these "lectures" about how there is some girl in her town that has heart problems and no one in her family had history of that either. I cannot seem to make her understand the difference. My condition is caused by a very specific identified gene that can only be in my body as a result of one of my biological parents having that same gene in theirs. I know that I just need to offer her patience - I have read about other posts where the parent eventually opens up. But I can't seem to quit obsessing over it now. And each time she offers an "I love you" I grow more angry and instead of wanting to know her I want to cut off all contact. I hate feeling so very angry.
Any thoughts?
I would tell her the importance of knowing this information. If she refuses to tell you then let her know you will petition the court and start looking for anyone who knows this information (her brother and father). Maybe (hopefully) she will tell you when you let her know you are going to find him some other way. You deserve answers, good or bad. Since she is still so secretive could there be a possiblity that your bfather is close by? If she hasn't seen him in years then why keep the secret?
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I think he probably is close by. She always talks about going to his neighbor town and apparently in all of the little rural areas around there people know one another or have cousins, etc. There are also very few industries. I wondered if maybe her husband and the bdad work together or something. Her husband and children don't know about me and her mother/brothers don't know she is talking to me. I have already talked to the state and there they said there is no more information for me to petition for. They were never given his name. I could move forward and talk to the brother. It is hard to take that step and let go of the potential future relationship with her. But it is also hard for me not to move forward. I've read that sometimes it takes bmoms a really long time to get over the denial and begin to open up and I just keep thinking if I give her some more patience...I just hate to make that decision that I want to feel better so badly now that I can't be patient and potentially get to know the woman that gave birth to me - that she is not worth that patience. But then she says that she loves me...I guess I just don't understand that kind of love.
Thanks for the go ahead. I guess I just needed to write out my frustration. I appreciate you listening.
Cindy: I am sorry to hear of all the trouble you are having. It's rough decision to weigh, getting the info you need at the expense of your relationship. Is it possible that she doesn't really KNOW who your birthfather is? It could be possible that for all intents and purposes she believes it could be this man, but in her heart she knows she could be mistaken and she's afraid of the truth? Just a thing that occured to me. I wish you the best of luck in your pursuit!!!!
I'm so sorry that you're having these problems.
As a bmom myself, well to be honest the one thing that I blocked out of the whole experience was the bdad's last name.
I felt so bad telling bson this, but he can go through the social services agency to try to find him.
It sounds like this is NOT the case with you. I think I would try the route that others have suggested, send her a note saying that while you do value her privacy, you NEED to know this information and tell her that you're going to have to go through these other steps, not to hurt her, but to help you with your treatments.
You poor thing. It's complicated! Hang in there and I hope that your health issues can be resolved soon (positively of course!).
I agree with what others have said. I can see how you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. You do need info for medical reasons, so you need to just tell her if she doesn't help you you will find the info on your own. I know it's a huge risk, but if it will help you to live a longer, healthier life, then it might be worth it.Did you explain to your doc that you don't have medical history? I didn't realize you could be denied care for not knowing history. I can definitely see where it is important to know it, but I can't see how they can deny treatment. I'm not a doctor and know little about medicine, so I'm sure I'm just ignorant. I angers me, though. You should be able to get treatment with or w/o medical history. Of course, you have a right to what is yours, too.I feel I haven't been much help. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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She may have blocked it out as quantum said.
I felt so guilty, for many years about not remembering the last name of the birth father. I knew it at one time but because of the painful situation I wanted to forget him. It was not until recently that I learned there are a lot of birthmothers that have blocked everything out of their mind about the birthfather, depending on the situation. You may want to ask her if she has forgotten. Tell her it is okay, that you have heard that other women in her situation at the time have blocked out everything. She may be embaressed or think that you will think less of her. I had these fears.
I still do not remember, but I know that some of my old friends know all about him. I can call them if my birthdaughter ever wants the information. It would then be her journey.
Good luck. I will say a prayer for you and your health.
Well she finally told me (with much anger but that I will have to deal with later). But now I need to go ahead and try to get the medical information from him and I don't know how. I found him and he actually lives in the same town as my husband and I do (so I'm so glad I know his name for when I have kids who date!) But she never told him about the pregnancy. He is married with two kids. I clearly don't want to disrupt his life (which I obviously will by my very existence) but I need to contact him. Any suggestions?