Update and Open/Closed adoption?

No one can tell you what is right for you or your situation - only YOU can decide what is best for you and the child you are planning to place. Open adoption is not less painful than closed adoption.Closed adoption is not less painful than open adoption.Each one comes with their own set of issues...and in the end, only you can decide what is going to work best and in the end, work for your child. If the question here is open vs. closed - I suggest weighing the pros and cons for you...then do the same for the child.I am in an open adoption...my daughter will be 11 in Feb. I am 33, I was raised in an open adoption. Both were very different...both had pros and cons - but I wouldn't change either one of them. good luck!

[FONT="Century Gothic"]I have an open because I want to "see" for myself how she is doing. If anything comes up in the family history for medical reasons I can just call up L and tell her "add this to the list" I feel better knowing that I can see her from time to time and she will know who I am. I know a few people who have semi open. They don't have visits but they do recieve letters and pictures. I also know a few ladies who have chosen closed. I can only speak from my own story. Are there things that I regret? Sure, but I know that she is healthy and happy. That is all I want for her, she is now loved by so many more people. Sorry to be long but there really isn't a simple explanation.[/FONT]

I placed D for adoption in the closed aodoption era. My regrets: I didn't know if he was dead or alive for 33 years. While I tried to leave a letter for him to find me if he chose to, he never got it (the agency his parents used had closd) so he couldn't find me when he looked. Both of us bascially waited for the other one to find us. When we did reunite, we were very definitely strangers to one another. I would like to have been part of his life, although it may have been difficult to watch someone else parent him. I would especially have loved to have pictures are he grew. Just my tired thoughts tonight.

I think there is another type of adoption that you could consider... semi-open. I personally enjoy open adoption (i'm an amom), but if that intimidates you...semi open is a way to have some info to go on...possibly a way to open the door wider in the future if you feel you need to. Even the minimum (exchange of info) may be something you might want to consider... sorry for my rambly post...I just thought you may want to consider this option

I am a bmother in a semi-open adoption. I had not planned on relinquishing therefore had not explored any of the emotional or mental ramifications of surrendering. I had no inner preparation, only a deep love for this child, and the clarity to see that things were falling into place in a frighteningly fateful way. The afamily was just as surprised to be suddenly adopting. We basically thought it through in one round table session, they were open to whatever I wanted or needed. ( I might add that I am also an adoptee from a closed adoption ). At that point I didn't know how NOT to be my daughter's mother (she was 5 wks and we had bonded So Deeply...) and couldn't imagine going to see her and then leaving again and again and again and again. I also didn't' know what kind of agreement I could hold up as far as visits, what I would or could expect from the afamily or myself. I get a big packet of pictures and a long letter once a year, at Christmas, from her amom. Our agreement was that "our" daughter would have the choice to contact me at any time she wanted, be it 7 yrs old or 17, that SHE has the choice. (At 13 she asked her amom if she could write me but she hasn't). So, aside from always missing this child I have had great peace of mind knowing where she is, what she's doing, what she looks like. But I have missed out on knowing her and the thought of meeting this person I loved and yet is now a stranger really scares me.

I am a birthmom in a fully open adoption. My son is now 22 years old. The first three years were hard, seeing him and walking away was brutal. When he was about three he began to understand reproduction and that fact that he grew inside me. It changed everything. All of a sudden we had our own, special relationship based on the truth. Over the years we (his adoptive parents, myself and our son) have worked hard on this relationship. He is free to love all of us. The thing about adoption today is that reunion is even more and more likely. I chose to have my reunion when he was still a baby. We now have a strong relationship that was allowed to grow over the years with the blessing of his adoptive parents. His adoptive parents (and sister through adoption) have also become family to me. The work, the heartache up front, has definately been worth it.

Ours is fully open; visits about four times per year, etc.My regrets lie in the fact that my agency neglected to tell me that open adoptions are not legally binding in my state. (Research yours NOW.) Thankfully, my daughter's family is an upright, honest family and has no plans of closing our adoption. Recognize that even if you live in a legally binding state, the laws are vague and adoption can and still are closed. Legal representation isn't cheap.I regret the situation that lead to placement in general.But, the only thing that keeps me going is that our adoption is open, my daughter knows who I am and we continue to grow together.It's a personal choice. Research the pluses and minuses of open adoption. Beyond that, take the time to seek out stories from birth mothers who have had both good and bad experiences with both kinds of adoption. Challenge yourself to figure out where the negativity and where the positive experiences come from and figure out if any of that is something you want to or can achieve.Best of luck.

Hi Fairydust this is Em and I too have been in you shoes.(How Cliche' am I ?) I will say that any decision that you choose is going to be an emotional journey and you will come out stronger than you ever imagined. I chose closed adoption: In the last 18.yrs I've never regretted my decision. It is what worked for me and I felt it would allow my son to build a stronger bond with his new parents.

Re: what mcdowell said: While every expectant Mother has the right to choose, know that in our personal experience, my presence hasn't been a hindrance to her bonding with J or D. She loves them very, very much, knows that they are her parents and just simply has room in her life for me.

As I prepared for placing my DD I always assumed I would never see her again unless she decided in 18 years to search for me...then I was contacted by the amom through a social worker and she requested that I be a part of DD's life. I had already spent so much time and energy accepting that I wouldn't see her as she grew up, and yet when I heard that I would get to see her grow and not just imagine it, it was like a huge weight had been lifted. Like everyone else has said, thats just me, and I can't speak for what would be best for you. I had tried to mentally prepare for closed and didn't realize how much I wanted open until the baby was here and that open was an option...

My thoughts:Whatever level of openness you believe you'll want now, seek hopeful aparents who want MORE than what you think you'll want. That way, should you have a change of heart, there is more receptiveness and 'room' for things to grow.Our friends' sons' bmom initially wanted closed, though they were comfortable with fully open. Since then an adult (19 YO) sibling located them and has established a relationship with them that is quite healthy. Our friends were overjoyed that their son would have a relationship with his bfamily, even if it was not bmom or bdad.Food for thought.Regina

Yeah, what she said. ;)

yep, like a pp said, there is a wide range of what "openness" means. It can mean you choose parents for your child from profiles, perhaps meet once or twice, or become extended family to one another...and anything in between. Wishing you peace in your decision making.