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Hello I was wondering if anyone else has or did go thru this. But as I stated me and my husband want to get a divorce. I have 3 children that I have been a SAHM to since they were born. My youngest will start full day kindergarten this fall. I was going back to school with my youngest and have 1/2 my degree that will get me a decent job. NOt great but decent.
Husband and I have been struggling for 2 years now marital. We have been thru counseling for at least a year and here we are 2 years later coming to the conclusion that we just aren't right for eachother. I really wanted us to work and I was hoping and praying we could make it. But here we are 2 years later and although our communication has improved we are finding that we just don't make eachother happy. It is time to let go. When I became pregnant I was definately in denial. In fact the first trimester I contemplated adoption. Being pregnant has made me feel stuck with my husband. I really REALLY want to give this baby the same life we gave our other 3 children. But the reality is I will be a single mom w/3 very busy children.
My husband is an excellent father but he does work long hours and his job needed me to be there for our kids so that he can have the luxury of providing support. Now my reality is I need to go back to work full time. I have 3 children that are going to be devestated that mom and dad are getting divorced and I feel they are going to require alot of attention from me and dad during this process. What can I offer this baby. Daycare? I have always been against daycare when they are so little. They need to be with a parent not a system raising them. And what happens after daycare? Little baby gets ignored because her siblings need mom more. Not to mention even with child support I will struggle but my goal is to keep this home for me and my children to not completely rock their world. The reality is I am so concerned about my other 3 children that adding an infant to the mess we are creating seems so unfair to this baby. Let's not forget the depression I have been going thru due to marital issues.
I am in my last trimester and again me and my husband are really at our end. We know we have to seperate have been our recent conversation and agreement. But what do I do about our baby? Will all this not matter when I have her? What if she grows up to hate me for not being there for her that I feel parents should be. I really feel that I would be spreading myself thin with working full time as well as fulfillling my other children. There are so many things that go thru my mind. She'll hate me anyways when she finds out I kept her siblings and she'll feel rejected why not her. But I pray that the family that she has can give her the love and make her realize her life is better than the one I could have given her at the time. And what about my other children. Will they feel that mom gave up a sibling I can do the same to them? They know we are having a baby and they are very excited.
As for my husband he knows he can't take of her alone. I know it will hurt us all but it just seems so logical at this point.
I could use some advice or support especially if you faced the same issues.
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I commend you for considering what is right for your family and your baby!! It can't possibly be an easy decision but you have the right attitude! I completely agree with the SAHM thing! I always thought for me (this is my opinion) that why would I ask someone to place their child for adoption just so I can stick them in daycare...the birth family could do that. I do go to work 2 days a week and my MIL takes my son. She asked for more time with him, so I got a job! It has been so good for my son, my MIL and myself! She also has our 3 year old nephew and Tyce and my nephew have become good friends and Tyce loves time with his grandma!!! But the only reason that I went back to work is because my MIL takes him!! And it is a very short amount of time out of the week, the rest of the time, I have Tyce!!!
Good luck in your decision making...my prayers are with you!!!
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Daisha
I completely agree with the SAHM thing! I always thought for me (this is my opinion) that why would I ask someone to place their child for adoption just so I can stick them in daycare...the birth family could do that.
Boulderbabe
I don't think that the prospect of using daycare is a good reason to place a child for adoption. To me, this is a veiled form of classism, a way of saying "If you're not rich enough to be able to get by without a job, you don't deserve to be a parent."
Cedel, I just wanted to say that I can completely empathize with what you're facing. I have a two year old daughter, and I was seperated from my husband for two months, looking at divorce, when I let my guard down (with him) and became pregnant. This is my personal story, not for judgement or criticism... just for sharing with you: I somehow just knew that the child I was carrying was not mine... that he and my daughter would both feel loss if I kept him... that if I chose to parent him, I would have not only one fatherless parent, but two, and that I could not imagine spending the rest of my life on welfare, working two jobs to provide for my children, while they were raised by someone other than me...My husband was very supportive of the whole thing (he didn't have much of a choice because he was struggling with drugs and is now in rehab), and it has all worked out very beautifully. I have no regrets in my decision. Through the grace of God I found the most beautiful couple, who now, through this sacrifice, has the child they may have never had. We have become very good friends, and the whole journey has been very enlightening and strengthening (though extremely difficult at times). There are days when I wonder how I will explain to my daughter why I "gave away" her brother. There are days when I wonder how I will explain to my son why I "gave him away." I have prepared myself as much as possible for the day that my daughter, in teenage rage, tells me that she wishes I would have given her away instead of her brother. God fobid that ever happen!!! I know what you're feeling. Know you're not the only one. My major struggle has been feeling like this decision made me a bad mother. But for me (I cannot speak for anyone else)... for me, I have to believe it has only made me a better one! Peace be with you in your decision. You're in my prayers. :) Jeska
bromanchik
Hear! Hear! Actually the research supports this. Children in good daycare settings actually end up with higher test scores in math and reading and it is considered a protective factor for children from low income households.
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I'm sure no one here thinks that working mothers are not good mothers because we work. What works for some doesnt necessarily work for others, and it doesn't seem to me that anyone here is bashing working or SAH moms. As the saying goes, "De gustibus non est disputatum." (Preferences cannot be debated)There are, I'm sure, SAHMs who think that working mothers should not work. But on the contrary, I'm sure there are working mothers who believe that SAHMs should have a job outside the home. We have to be careful not to generalize... putting SAHMs into a group who thinks that working moms are "bad moms" is unfair. As far as: "I don't think that the prospect of using daycare is a good reason to place a child for adoption. To me, this is a veiled form of classism, a way of saying "If you're not rich enough to be able to get by without a job, you don't deserve to be a parent." goes... If she believes that she cannot feel or be a good mother if she uses daycare, maybe she should consider adoption. If a woman feels like her obligation as a mother is to stay home with her children, and she will hate herself for putting her children in another person's care... then maybe it IS a good reason to place her child, or at least consider and carefully study her options. There is nothing wrong with that. We all (birthmothers) had our own personal reasons for placing, and it is not up to anyone else to decide if our reasons were "right" or "wrong.":) Peace be with you!Jeska
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I am so sorry that working mothers are getting offended. I think what people are misunderstanding is that this is a fault/shortcoming of me. The fact that I believe that it's going to be very difficult to be organized, highly motivated enough to run a family of 4 CHILDREN!!! Are there women who can do it to what I would consider to my capacity of what I feel is my obligation as a mother? ABSOLUTELY! But unfortunately because of the "type" of person that I am and knowing my expectations of myself I KNOW and FEEL it will be a very very difficult struggle. To the point of maybe just making myself more depressed because I "may" find myself failing me or my children.
do I accept my shortcomings and do the best that I can only knowing that the best could cause my children issues in their future? Issues that stem from divorced/struggling parent or parents. Who knows what our life will be like even how my husband would come to balance his own personal life and work. Who is going to get the short end of the stick in my family?:(
Just try to remember this is not about being a working mom this is about being a working SINGLE mom of 4!!!! children. Not teenagers, not 1 or two but 4 children. Which I definately absolutely think that a working SINGLE mom's job currently is tougher than mine as a SAHM!
Jeska thank you so much for sharing your personal struggles I really wanted to hear from someone who faced divorced with being pregnant and having siblings. Thanks again.
Cedel, I don't want you to think I was offended by anything you said. I certainly understand how the prospect of being a single mom to 4 kids is very daunting. (Heck, some days I think being a single mom to one kid is so daunting I want to pull the covers over my head!!)My only point was that you shouldn't discount using daycare. It may not be ideal for your family. But a good daycare situation can be a big plus for the kids---lots of stimulation and learning and time to play with other children. And you can manage, too. Sometimes that time I have at work is the easiest part of my day!Only you can decide whether to place or not to place. You have to do what is right for you. Just don't be put off by the prospect of daycare. It's okay, it really is.I hope you're doing well---I've been thinking of you.Elizabeth