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I didn't want to hijack Amoms other thread, but this sort of goes along with it..........
As adoptive parents in open adoptions, what exactly is our responsibility to our children's siblings? I think we will all agree that it is important to maintain some line of contact for our children, to their biological siblings. But what are the boundaries?
For example, if a subsequent child is placed with another family, do we open our homes and our hearts to them so our children can have that relationship with their sibling?
I am currently facing a dilemma of my own with this. My two children (ages 5 and 2) are half bio siblings, both placed as newborns in our home. Their older brother (now 6) was being raised by their first mom and grandma. We have a very open adoption, and the kids know each other very well and love each other. And though we don't see them all that often, he is avery real presence in their lives. Earlier this year, the older brother was placed (supposedly temporarily) with cousins. He now lives even further away. It has caused a great rift in their family, with the people we are closest to (bmom, bgrandma, bgreatgrandma). The cousins do not seem all that interested in maintaining the amount of contact we once had, though I wouldn't say they have closed my kids off. What do I do? I feel stuck in the middle. Do we allow them to visit - dh is very against that. Do we add them to the list of people we call and email and send photos too? Is it our responsibility to be the ones to reach out to them? I am feeling so conflicted I suppose, because I truly love this little boy as part of our family, and do not want to punish (for lack of a better word) him for all that has gone on in his life - none of which is of his choosing.
But on the other hand, this is the first time in his short life that he has any kind of normalcy, and maybe we should just let him get settled and just enjoy being a kid. He has suffered through so much loss - his brother, then his siter, then his grandfather who was his primary caregiver.
I am so torn.......any suggestions?
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Billysmommy, gosh that is such a tough one, especially since you know and love this little boy. Have your kids "noticed" anything different? I think this may be a case of definitely keeping the lines of communication open, but you certainly cannot probably forge the same kind of relationship with those caring for this boy as you may have with your kids' birth mom, etc. Perhaps you could do a heartfelt letter or email to the boy's caretakers, explaining how much he means to your family and that you hope that you can keep in touch regularly, perhaps have visits, etc.? I certainly don't think it is your responsibility to reach out to them, but it sounds like you may regret it if you don't??? Good luck to you (and obviously to everyone involved). (Alot of these issues are popping up lately! It is really helpful to me to see how others deal with similar or related issues to ones I am having.) PS: When I said visits, I meant somewhere like halfway between (not at your house, since DH opposes, as mine would!).
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I guess I am not really even sure if *I* want to push the issue. It's one of those situations where everyone has an opinion on what is "best", but it has to be "best" for everyone involved. And I don't think I know what is best. Yes, I love this little boy very much - partly because he is my kids brother, and partly because he is just an awesome kid - but I have seen the effects that seeing his siblings has had on him. And while my kids love him, and enjoy spending time with him, it's not something that they long for (right now anyway). I don't have any real interest in forming a relationship with these people - it's supposed to be temporary anyway. Ugh, I don't even know what I am asking......
I get that...I really do. I have been obsessing over all these issues lately. Like I think I can set the course for my DD's life over the next 18 years RIGHT NOW. These are really tough things to deal with sometimes (and my feelings can change day to day). Hang in there. I think sometimes we want to "solve" things that may not even ultimately need to be solved (i.e., the boy may be back home soon, etc.). Good luck!!
Ok, Stace - just shut D out, she's CRAZY!!!!! I've been telling you that for years okay that's done
I don't agree w/ what D did to begin with, she is not right in the head..... But I can say that I've had contact with her previously...... Try and continue contact w/ the older brother b/c it's what is best for YOUR two kids, the cousins might not see it as what's best for the old sibling, but they are dellusional to begin with, calling themselves mom and dad without anything signed.....the nerve..........
I'm a firm supporting in biological siblings staying in contact as much as humanly possible whether one is placed with one family and raised by the bmom (my situation now) or going through what you are dealing with. It is best for the child of adoption ESPECIALLY in an open adoption to have a fully open adoption, all parties included and guess what that means brothers and sisters.
Now, Gracie may not end up having the closest relationship w/ Logan as she grows up but she's not a dumb kid, she's going to figure out, 'okay I came from Sarah's tummy and so did Logan, I guess since Sarah is my bmom that makes logan my half brother' And Billy and Lexi will figure that out too.......and so w/ the older brother......... We aren't giving these kids enough credit.