anyone else have adopted sibling with mental retardation?

IMHO As with all adoptees, there is a story. You haven't shared the circumstances that brought you to your a/family but did mention that your older a/brother did suffer abuse which was directly related to his handicap. You sound angry. Maybe you could turn that around and be a bit more grateful that one, there was a family that welcomed you into there hearts and home, and two that you didn't suffer lifetime effects as a child. Another words be thankful for what you had. Get out of your pity bag and move on.

I'm not adopted, but I have an older bio-sister who has mild mental retardation. She is 6 years older than me, and I can remember feeling resentful and even being purposely mean to her when I was younger. I did eventually grow to accept her for who she is (and to accept my family in spite of it's many flaws). It's okay to feel angry, but it's important to work through the anger rather than just let it simmer inside you forever. I realize the original post is very old, but I'm posting this for anyone else who may have had similar issues.

I am not adopted but my younger sister has Downs Syndrome. Sometimes it was hard to see people make fun of her growing up and then people making fun of me because she was my sister. They called us horrible names and made jokes. I got into many fights as a kid. But my experience and hurt feelings were nothing compared to what hers are. My sister is very intelligent and understands what people are saying. She understands that even though she has a boyfriend and wants to get married and wants to have children, that that can't happen for her. She understands that she is slower than most and that the world still does not treat her equally. She understands when kids and even adults look at her funny because she is different. I feel very lucky to have grown up with my sister. I am grateful that I have learned how to be a very sensitive, caring person because of her. I am lucky because I get to live all of my dreams - many of them she will never experience. I just think that you need to understand how lucky you are that you don't have a disability and can do the things you want to do in life. Health can change at any time. Live for now and understand that while it may have been tough for you growing up...your brother probably wishes he were you.

Man! I just hate it an adoptees gets told they should be more grateful. We seem to get that alot though.

Like you, I also had an older asibling with issues. Quite frankly, I was scared half-to-death of him every day of my life until he moved out of their house. His handicaps and resulting behavioral disorders were never appropriately addressed by our aparents. I always felt it was HE that got the short (or shortER) end of the stick though. I'm sorry that your aparents made you feel responsible for your older sibling. That was very unfair to you.

My brother and I were both adopted. He is 14 months younger than me. He had some pretty severe behaviors at home and school growing up. He would today be diagnosed with ADD for sure. He was always in trouble and my parents were always stressed out about him. That put so much pressure on me to be "the good one" and there were places we didn't go because they didn't want to deal with a public display. I resented him at the time but now I understand. I actually don't think your feelings are any different from a full bio family. It's part of being a family. My son has autism and my daughter sometimes resents the fact that certain environments are way too much for him and we just can't go. KWIM?

[quote= grateful that one, there was a family that welcomed you into there hearts and home, and two that you didn't suffer lifetime effects as a child.Another words be thankful for what you had. Get out of your pity bag and move on.[/quote] IF in fact she needs to feel grateful she is able to figure that out on her own...its VERY obnoxoius for others who have not been in that situation to tell someone How to feel. Really, if in fact you want to adopt you need to get the notion that adoptees "need to feel grateful" out of your head. The ones that should feel grateful are the adoptive parents that are lucky enough to adopt.

"I can't help but feel that not only was I shorted because of being adopted and all the damage that has done to me but I was also put into a position in which I was shorted even more by having a brother like this" I apologize if I offended anyone with my "get out of your pity bag" remark or "ungrateful" I must qualify. I have seen so much damage done to children that have been lost in the system, and were never allowed the opportunity to experience a healthy family relationship. But continued to be abused not just by the birth parents but the system that failed them terribly. I also have an adopted daughter with RAD that could care less if we existed. She is in total I world. Here again I am not talking gratitude more lack of respect for anyone. This poster sounded a lot like my A/Daughter "THEY" took me away, "THEY" put me here, my life sucks and you owe me! For this I have no sympathy. And buying into that type of thinking is counter productive, IMHO. To my daughter I repeatedly said," life dealt you a bad hand, deal with it and move on!" And when you need me I will be here. Comments welcome, criticism not................. Thank You

hoppy, I WAS one of those kids that could have been damaged by the system way back when and I would NEVER portend to think I am an expert on how others should feel. Nor would I allow anyone to tell me that I am suffering a pity party. AND oh BTW..In my personal situation I AM grateful to my parents, back in the day when there was no books on adoption. You know why? They respected me as I was and not once did I EVER hear from them on how grateful I should be from being saved , they never saw themselves as nothing more then my parents, not my saviors. I did often hear from others that thought they really did know it all about how grateful I should be and it may me feel HORRIBLE...it accomplished NOTHING...except to make me more grateful for the parents that I did end up with(only by the luck of the draw)and not a set of parents who felt the need to ram down my throat on how grateful I should be for getting them as parents...PLEEEEESE. Now, did they teach me to be grateful when I was being a normal selfish kid at times...you bet they did...BUT NEVER about being adopted.

I apologize! I think the word "grateful" was out of context. Bad choice of wording. Statement to clarify please, " Due to my fathers alcoholism and abuse, I am grateful to be alive" grateful, thinkful, fortunate whatever word of choice. I would never demand or tell my A/children how grateful they should be that we adopted them. With some kids, obviously not you, it is more the lack of respect and the demeaning attitude toward A/parents that hurts. Yet as an adult we are suppose to put that aside and try the best we can to help heal from the past. Unfortunatly we are human and make mistakes just like I did with my post.......... For this I am sorry,

Robin - I don't think he word "grateful" was a bad choice. In fact, I think it should be used more often.I am "grateful" that I was able to find and adopt the children that God meant for me. Almost every adoptive parent who has posted on this forum has expressed gratitude that they were able to become a family through adoption.My youngest daughter is "grateful" that she did not have to marry her son's father, but was able to take care of him alone.IMHO Annelizly should be grateful that she was NOT the oldest, mentally handicapped one, but apparently is intelligent, verbal, and thoughtful. Not grateful to her adoptive parents, but grateful to her maker, who gave her the gift of normal intelligence. What she does with her gift is -- of course -- entirely up to her.

Hi In my attempts to get my "foot out of mouth" I ended up with both in LOL. "I" am grateful that God entrusted me with the beautiful children that came through our door. I am grateful for so many things... But I used the word that someone took in a shaming context, not intentional mind you. But like you pointed out and I believe that is where I was going with my post, Count your blessing not your misfortunes. Take Care :thanks:

I wanted to take the time to clarify my original post. I do love my older brother. God knows there are very few truly innocent souls on this earth and he is one of them. That isn't to say that he didn't take full advantage of the fact that he was given extra favors in our family or less responsibilities. I spent my elementary years beating up boys who picked on my brother and made him cry. I didn't get to go to college because my aparents spent all their money putting him through a tech school(a degree he never used) i'll most likely be the one that he turns to for money or help(for the rest of my life) after my mother passes away(father already has) because he isn't capable of taking care of himself fully. I am grateful that i was adopted and i am grateful that i am not retarded, but i cannot help but wonder sometimes how different, how much easier my life would have been if the next couple on the waiting list for a little girl would have been picked instead of my parents. I believe that this is why adoptees have so many issues. most people are in the families that god gave them to. adoptees are in the family that the social worker gave them to. heres some other things i'm grateful for: I'm grateful i wasn't born in a third world country I'm grateful I don't have cancer I'm grateful I have modern conveniences I'm grateful I live in the USA I'm grateful I own a car I'm grateful I had to work hard for every ****ed thing i have. I'm grateful I don't have leprosy I'm grateful.......