Question for birthmothers...are your visits a family affair?

Our adoption is a family affair so it may be different from the situation you are in, but I definitely feel the need to control all visits between my daughter and her birthmom/my niece. In our case, the state TPR'd my niece after a full trial so there is no agreement to have an open adoption. In fact, I was told that I could not allow them to have contact -- but I'm the parent now and I do what I think is best for my daughter. I encourage my niece to participate in our family activities, to attend community events with us, and generally be as big a part of our daughter's life as she wants. But I require that these visits be one-on-one time for them. I have included the biograndmother/my sister in a couple of invitations but I have made it clear that she must be sober and smiling or the visit won't happen. She cannot bring her rage and resentment to my home. BirthUncle is my nephew and we have visited him when we vacationed in his state. We have never had a large family gathering and I decided not to invite them all to my home for Christmas because the family dynamic is volatile to say the least. Birthmom and I have had some difference of opinion regarding the Come Alone rule. At first, she brought new "friends" from her Narcotics Anonymous meetings near my home. You might be able to imagine my joy over meeting them. And lately, she's been pressuring me to include her boyfriend -- who was allowed a "holiday release" from jail to spend time with his family (five kids by different women to whom he pays NO child support). She told me that he really wants to spend time with Her Sweetness, and I choked at the very thought of it. I met this scumbag when he crashed my daughter's birthday visit last year. He is not welcome to be anywhere around my daughter. When my niece pushed me on it, I finally had to say, "There is no reason for MY daughter to get to know Maurice. He is not a fit example of a man and I don't want my daughter exposed to him or any man like him." That conversation took place just a few days ago. I don't know whether it changes my niece's plan to spend time with us on Christmas. She was invited to have a slumber party with Her Sweetness and be here to open presents at dawn. She did turn down my invitation to join us for a visit to Santa, and I was disappointed as I always am when she rejects us. But I never even tell Her Sweetness that I've invited her anywhere just because she's usually a no-show.

Honestly, no. Though, at times, yes. Did that make sense?When we were vacationing at the Jersey Shore this summer with D, J and the Munchkin, my parents happened to be two towns up the shore, celebrating my brother's girlfriend's high school graduation. (She had never seen the ocean.) So, J&D invited my parents down and, of course, my brother and his girlfriend came as well. They weren't there for more than two hours. Uhm, then when J&D came out for both my wedding shower and my baby shower, obviously, family members were present. And my MIL (not Munchkin's bio-grandma) likes to bestow presents upon the kids when they visit... but she lives only a few minutes away and is at our house quite regularly so it's not really as if she's going out of her way to visit.So kind of but not really. I'm sure this made no sense.

It really varies with our visits. Sometimes it's just bdad and I, and other times (when afamily comes to our town) visits include my mom, stepdad and my brother. Both parties, birth and adoptive, are comfortable with our arrangments. If at any time the amount of people at visits became an issue I would hope that amom would let me know and we could work something out. If you are feeling overwhelmed you must talk to bmom about it. I know it might be hard to reason with a 16 year old and she might be upset with you, but you need to set some boundaries. Reiterate that this has nothing to do with you wanting to shut out her family but that you want babe to spend as much time with her and bio grandma as possible and the other people involved really take away from that time. Also stress babe's reaction to all the people. Hopefully she will understand your reasons. Let her know that you are open to visits with other members of her family (if you are) but you'd prefer not to have all the members of the family at one visit. I also understand your reluctance to have bmom take babe to the park by herself. I think you also need to talk to her about this in a nonconfrontational manner. Just let her know that babe really isn't doing well without his mom and that you are nervous letting him go with anyone, not just bmom, and that it has nothing to do with her. Maybe suggest that if she wants to spend some time alone with babe that maybe that could be done in a different room of the house where you are near or you can all go to the park and bmom can push babe in the stroller while you walk a few steps behind. I have heard from alot of bmoms that it is important to spend some time alone with their bchild, I have also felt this way. However with her history you might need to make some real small baby steps in this area. (((HUGS)))

Ours are usually a family affair. Bmom still lives at home with her parents and does not drive, so they usually come with her for visits. Occasionally one or both of her brothers come as well. A couple of times they've called to see if it is OK to bring bmom's grandparents by, or when we've met for a special occasion (like bmom's graduation) there are other relatives there. In our case, too, there are some good reasons that the parents are still so involved, so it's not that big of a deal for us. This thread's very timely, though----bmom's been e-mailing me on her own lately wanting to get together, just us. Her mother called last night to try to schedule our Christmas visit, and I mentioned to her that bmom and I were trying to work out a time for a visit---she seemed surprised. I don't know that she's thought much about bmom's need to see us or H by herself. I would like to see her alone, because even though I don't MIND seeing her family, sometimes it's too much, as bug&bear'smommy says. I've kind of come to the conclusion that there are families who revel in big gatherings and assume that everyone's included, and families who don't operate that way. Dh and I both have pretty small families, so this mass gathering stuff isn't our style, but I think bmom's family just doesn't give it a second thought because that's how they do things.

DD's birth parents never told their families about the pregnancy/birth/adoption. So our visits our with DD's birth parents and sister only. This year may be interesting because (to date) they also have not told DD's birth sister and she will be 4.5 at the time of our next meeting. Blessed, I think I would be totally overwhelmed with tons o family (I'm overwhelmed when tons of my family get together).

Our visits are more of a family affair and I don't really care who shows up . As long as everyone behaves in an appropriate manner. If I didn't feel comfortable with a particular person I would let them know for the future. Usually when we plan a get together they know that it is an open invitation to any family member/close friend(like boyfriend) that may want to attend. There has been one case in particular where things got a little to caotic and I didn't feel comfortable. Where birthfamily members were either taking off (out of view) with either my daughter or my other children. Even though I have come to trust them a great deal. I may never feel comfortable enough for them to take my daughter or any of my other children out of my view....especially without asking first. So I made sure to talk with them about it right away so it wouldn't be a problem in the future. They understood and have been very respectful of my feelings ever since. I have also made a point not to set up visits in very busy crowded events, where things like that could easily happen. Basically you need to do what feels comfortable for you and your family. If that means only inviting certian family members or setting up some boundaries or changing your meeting places to more secure places just do what you feel is best.

Depends. My son and his family have been spending a lot of the holidays with me and my extended family. And we have a week long vacation at the lake every summer together. In fact, this year my whole extended family was there, but I was not. I just started a new job. I think they missed me. They said it was a "little weird" not having me there. Does that me that I left a gaping hole by not being there with my bubbly personality? Or does it mean it was just a lot quieter????