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I'm 37. Infant adoptee, great, stable home, blah, blah...
I've gone from being incredibly rude and uncaring in my romantic relationships to smothering. Guess I over-compansated.
I've been aware of my shortcomings for quite a while. Been to therapy. Worked as hard as I could.
Just had another relationship fall apart for a lot of reasons. Chosing a partner with too many problems for one. But maybe not. I can't respect people's boundaries. I can't leave them alone. I'm tortured by anxiety. I'm overcome by fear.
Is this ever going to end?
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Hi,I think I can understand some of what you're feeling. I also believe some of those feelings are connected. With a little self-understanding, shortcomings can become positive traits. Some adoptees live with vague boundaries when it comes to relationships, not to mention being able to understand and fulfill those of others. Many of us suffer from abandonment issues (myself included) and an inability to thrive in complex relationships. Perhaps the part of not being able to "leave them alone" is just a statement to the fact that you (we) don't want to be left alone. We hold on to what's dear to us because they've vanished before. It that's true for you, then I can understand the anxiety and fear that you are living with. You may have felt protected when you were "uncaring" and by letting someone into your life exposes all that is vulnerable. Understanding yourself and the people who love you may not prevent you from feeling pain, but it may help you to find peace. Best wishes!
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Couldn't have said it better myself.
I have had a couple of relationships that I did not care about---therefore there was no threat of being left because I did not care for the guys enough to feel abandoned. I broke up with both of them.
The relationships I have cared about have left me in a constant state of anxiety----Will he leave me for someone else? Will he blind side me and dump me and I won't see it coming? Does he not care about me? Is he playing games with me?
I can't stand myself anymore. I'm in the longest relationship of my life thus far and I love him very much and I know I can't cope with my constant anxiety and fear he will leave. I am always afraid he will just decide that he's no longer interested and leave me. When he travels I get panicked if I don't hear from him a lot because I think he's decided to dump me and is just creating distance so that I will start getting the message that he's leaving.
Most days I just want to jump out of my own head. Wish that were possible.