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Hi all, DIY therapist here. I've been doing a lot of reading when I can since finding this site a week or so ago. I'm amazed and relieved to read so many stories of adoptees that I can relate to. I've never had a conversation with another adopted person on how being adopted has made them feel over their life. Now I'm being bombarded with stories that could be me.
I'm aware that there are many positive sides to the adoption triangle, but as we are mostly all here to get support and relief and understanding, the topics are often regarding negative feelings.
My title is some words that come to mind on how I have felt and only now am I realizing that these feelings are related to being adopted.
I feel guilty for wanting to connect with my birth family (met closet bmom a couple of times 12 years ago, may be in the process of meeting again, not sure). I don't want to hurt my aparents. How many times have I read this??
I have felt ashamed of being adopted. I always knew I was but can't remember being told. It was never discussed with me and rarely discussed about me or around me. I was never asked by my aparents if I think about it or if it bothers me or any other conversation started around it. It was occassionally talked about in reference to my brother only 'cos of his outrageous behaviour (lying, stealing, drugs, agression- must be in his genes)
I suffered rejection hard and felt very alone and lost in the world at times...again never thought about it being related to adoption. I was/am one of those people who always wanted to be liked and tried really hard to please everyone, felt incredible guilt if I stuffed up or failed.
As I'm a child of the '60s I guess a lot has been learned about adoption and perhaps aparents are more aware of the issues that we face. But I'm sure there are many aparents out there who still believe that the baby is a blank canvas waiting to have their family traits imprinted on.
The one thing that would have made me a happier person I believe would be for my adoption to be brought up regularly (but not too often like they do of the celebs children- you know "Tom & Nicoles ADOPTED children" blah blah blah - God I hate that) Just mabe once a year or enough so that when I had an issue about it it wasn't so hard to discuss...Because we will never outgrow being adopted and the negative emtions caused by it will come up eventually....It's not a case of ignore it and it will go away, if I'd had regular recognition of my adoption I don't think I would have got myself into such an emotional state before realizing that I am going to have to hurt my afamily and continue with my need to find me. Denying that need for 30 years did not lessen it.
Thanks for reading my ramble, there are so many adoptees here that have helped me by reading their stories:love:
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Hi Peace..... reunited adoptee here 5 1/2 years and counting. You are right when you say that you can actually "see" yourself in alot of other adoptees posts... this IS the ONLY place where I found people who actually "got it"... where they actually understood what I was feeling and such. Denial is a VERY deep river that I think one keeps to prevent having to deal with very difficult feelings. I discovered that even after 48 years... the feelings were there... AND they were MUCH stronger than they'd EVER been before... it was then that I made the decision to do the search for ME... and only for ME... It was something that I'd needed to do all my life... but I had never allowed it the light of day before. I used the fears of hurting my aparents, being rejected by my bmother, finding "bad" people, etc... for SO long it almost felt like it would be permanent... that I would NEVER know the truth... I could NEVER fill in the blanks... that I would ALWAYS have to write.. Adopted... do NOT know medical history ... but one Sunday shortly after my daughter's best friend's mother died and left two daughters.... I suddenly felt a VERY strong urge to locate MY bmom and just let her know that I was OK... I was hoping that it was not too late to find her alive... and I suddenly felt that the time was right. I located her almost immediately using some clues in my social history that my amom had compiled..... I am VERY happy to say that I was not only welcomed with open arms by my bmom... but also from 4 bsiblings and an HUGE extended bfamily who I finally "FIT" with. I was in counseling at the time for issues dealing with my aging aparents... which I think was a major factor in me finally feeling strong enough to deal with anything that I may find in my search...I think I was finally able to integrate the "hurt adopted child" portion of me with the "strong adult" that I had become... and finally accept and come to terms with having been adopted. I wish you well in your journey... I found the chatroom here to be an incredible supportive place... hope to see you there sometime... sal
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Thanks for your reply Sal. Yes, denial does run deep, I think a lot of us never get out of it and live very sad lives because of that (my brother is one).
What is the chat room , is it differrent to these forums? New to these type of sites.
Glad to hear of your successful story. Did you keep your aparents involved in the full search reuinion?
You are most welcome Peace.... My aparents were both quite elderly when I did my search and reunion... I told my dad the day that I spoke to my bmom for the first time.. but waited to tell my mom until after I had met my bmom.. (phone call happened in June... we didn't meet until the end of September 2001) My father had always been supportive of me and I was the closest to him.. the reunion was difficult for my mother.. I didn't realize it at the time but she had Alzheimers and her filter for appropriate behavior was off... I think if I'd known that I probably wouldn't have told her... I lost both of them in 2004... will be three years on Jan 8th that my father passed away and 3 years March 8th that my mother died. I don't think that I could have gotten through it all if I hadn't had the support and love of my bfamily. The chat room is an option that is linked with this site... If you go to the top of the page of this forum you'll see a bunch of different options in the goldish box at the top.. There is a chat option... I found the other adoptees whether reunited or not gave me the feeling that I'm really NOT alone in any of this... that there are some very common feelings and thoughts that many adoptees share. I also devoured every book that I could that deals with adoption. The one that I read first and the one that helped me the most was by Betty Jean Lifton.. The Journey of the Adopted Self.... sal
Hi Peace,I can relate to everything you've written and I'm glad that you've found this forum helpful - I certainly did too. Like you, I'd been in denial for over 30 years too. I knew that some other adoptees had been affected by their adoption, but I used to just refuse to believe that I was 'one of them' (sorry for the crassness, but that's truly what I used to think). It's hard realizing that I, too, have some very deeply painful stuff to deal with - that I am included among 'them'. I found that joining an in-person post-adoption support group was helpful. By the way, if you do an online search for 'Kaplan Silverstein adoption', there's an excellent article on the 7 core issues of adoption. The emotions that you'd written about are outlined in their article. It's been over a year since I found my birth family and I've learned that these complex feelings will always be with me to various degrees of intensity. I've found it also helpful talking with others who, while they're not adopted, share similar ingrained emotions (eg. as a result of surviving child abuse). While their sources of emotional pain are different, the emotions that we grapple with are similar. I also saw a counsellor who'd said that fear of abandonment is a very, very widespread emotion. Actually, when I think of the statistics on divorce, domestic abuse, addictions, bereavement, etc; and then you add just how many people are within the adoption triangle, I'd be willing to be that there are loads of people out there struggling with all kinds of painful stuff. As hard as it is, I find it comforting knowing that we're not alone - it's a rough journey but I guess we're all stumbling around together somehow. Yours,Ripples
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