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I am a single father who adopted my son 5 years ago. He was a foster to adopt child and everything is going great. My problem started when I was going thru the case. I was given some info about his bmom including all of her descriptions which painted a good picture of her. I also knew that she lives in my county and was told to keep a low profile in any news print ect... just in case her relatives or her would see.
Well, I actually ran into her at a local grocery store. She was working and I needed a raincheck form. I knew it was her after I saw her first name and last initial on the form. I confirmed it yesterday as I cashed in that raincheck. It is a closed adoption and she is young enough to interupt our lives if she were to recognise him. I feel that she would recognize him even though it's been 6 years since she's seen him. He's now 9 and has changed a ton.
Should I keep going to the store or do I stay away ? This could be bad but also could help me figure out some health issues for the long run.
thanks for yorur input.
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I think you need to assess two things: (1) Whether bmom is a safe person for your son to be around, and (2) What the effect of contact will be on your son.If Bmom is violent and crazy and your son isn't ready for contact, then yep, stay the heck away. But if Bmom's problem was that she was just very immature six years ago, or if she's mentally retarded and can't care for a child but isn't a violent person, then why not open the adoption? It could be an incredibly healing thing for your son.One thing you could do is go back to your agency with the info you have about locating her, and ask them to touch base with her and see what is going on in her life. If they think she's safe, you could meet with her and tell her about your son, and see how she reacts. Take it slow. But I'd say, open is better than closed if at all possible.
I really think that the effect on my son would be huge!! Only in a negative effect. While I have tried to keep his past as quiet as possible, certain things I have to tell. Example is why can this strong young man write well at all or why can't he keep better balance (hop on 1 foot)when he can hit a baseball or dribble a basketball with ease ? He had major head tramas in his 1st year of life. He knows this because he gets frustrated at certain things and I am honest with him (to a degree). He is also after me to get married cause he wants a mom. That will come when it happens but if all of a sudden his bmom comes into the picture, it could be bad. Who knows what she could do. Good or bad and at 9, I don't want him to be burdened with this just yet.
Boulderbabe
I think you need to assess two things: (1) Whether bmom is a safe person for your son to be around, and (2) What the effect of contact will be on your son.
If Bmom is violent and crazy and your son isn't ready for contact, then yep, stay the heck away. But if Bmom's problem was that she was just very immature six years ago, or if she's mentally retarded and can't care for a child but isn't a violent person, then why not open the adoption? It could be an incredibly healing thing for your son.
One thing you could do is go back to your agency with the info you have about locating her, and ask them to touch base with her and see what is going on in her life. If they think she's safe, you could meet with her and tell her about your son, and see how she reacts.
Take it slow. But I'd say, open is better than closed if at all possible.
Since I was adopted at a young age I feel I have the right to tell you what I would want my mother (adoptive mother) to have done in your situation. STAY AWAY! If your son was older I would tell you the same thing. This is your son's choice and he needs to be older to make that choice - I would say after his teen years. If I had meet my bio parents before I was of majority it would have been devistating for ME - not that I didn't want to know who they were and why they gave me up but b/c I would have played bios against adoptive parents (just teen behavior). Since I have found my bios (in 2006 and being 38), I am SO happy that they did love me enough to give me up for adoption. It made their life a little easier I'm sure and it gave me so much more than they EVER would have been able to offer. Bio mom has been married 7 times, two of her children will not speak to her and the other had a child at 16.... Bio father... I don't even know where to start... If they had decided to get married or not and keep me I would have ended up in foster care at some point and would NOT have had a wonderful loving family like I do today... Just my thoughts as an adopted child... (I'm sure there are stories that are not as wonderful as mine but the fact that you are considering your son's feelings and health in this tells me that you are a loving father.)
It is my opinion both as an adoptee and as an adoptive parent that staying away is called for here. When your son becomes an adult he can decide to have contact with this woman or not. But right now? It just doesn't sound wise to me. Medical info can be acquired without exposing your son to emotional trauma like this.
Good luck!
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I am an adoptive mom of three little ones, all seperate adotions. And My advice is to STAY AWAY! If you would like medical history contact the agency and they can obtain it for you. When your son is older then I would let him mamke the decision... on another note,, something else to think about... Does he know he is adopted? ooh you said he was 5 when you adopted him, he obviousley does, silly question. We adopted our children pretty much from Birth, but they all know they are adopted because it is something we are proud of..Well Good Luck,, and PROPS TO YOU FOR BEING A SINGLE DAD:dance: , I find that very admirable..Jen