Introduce yourselves!

Lucychast, I am afraid that your post will be very upsetting to many members of the triad who read it. I will be gentle as I understand you are just starting out on your adoption journey. I understand that you may be feeling threatened by the idea of a reunion with the birthfamily. But reunion isn't about finding a new parent. Nobody can take the place of the parents who raised you 24/7 through your whole life. To label birthmothers as "disgusting" because they want to reconnect with their relinquished children is very disrespectful. Adopted children will have questions about their family of origin and interest in their heritage no matter whether an adoption is open or closed. It seems that you are seeking an adoption where you simply ignore your child's origins and I think that could be damaging to a child. I am NOT saying that you should want an open adoption (it is not for everyone) but to intentionally seek to make sure your child has NO connection at any point in his or her life with a birth family I think is misguided. I would suggest reading some of the forums and getting the perspective of adopted people and birthparents as well as other adoptive parents. Part of my personal adoption journey was coming to the realization that parenting an adopted child does have some differences from parenting a biological child. I needed to come to terms with the fact that my child might want information about his birthfamily and want to know his roots. An adopted child needs a family that loves and nurtures but also does not feel threatened by their need for information or connection to their biological origins. I truly wish you the best on your journey, and that you are able to open yourself to the needs of an adopted child.

I've seen this attitude a lot recently, and though I don't entirely agree- I CAN understand it. I too strongly suspect that your comment will receive some backlash- but opinions are opinions and they have to be respected.I don't know how I feel about birthparents searching for and contacting their placed children. I found my birthparents before my teenage years so I don't know from experience, but my birthparents have told me that if I hadn't contacted me, they would have found me with a private investigator on my 18th birthday. I can imagine it would have aroused some unpleasant emotions for me.Reunion can stir up a lot of feelings, and to have someone contact me while I was potentially knee deep in studying, raising small children, dealing with my own issues, buying an apartment, or involved in a romantic relationship- would have bothered me. It would have disturbed my life greatly- I imagine-and I just don't think that's fair. As an adoptee, I've lived with being adopted my whole life- and it's been both a blessing and a burden. My entire existence was changed and built upon my adoption. I dealt with my own emotions, my own issues surrounding my placement, and the sometimes sad truths of the people who bore me. To have said people contact me, simply to fulfill something in themselves, would have made me angry. In my opinion, adoption is for life- not until a birthparent has their stuff together and feels ready for contact. When an adoptee is contacted by a birthparent, directly or with the use of an agency, charity, or whatever- they are forced to make the choice whether or not to reject or accept the birthparent at that time. Pertaining to my own individual situation, I feel that my birthparents made a choice to leave my life, and I'm glad I was able to decide whether or not to invite them back in. Adoption is supposed to be in the best interests of the child. Sometimes contact is in the child's best interest- and if they want contact- they'll initiate it. If they don't- they won't. That is merely my own opinion- I personally have a good relationship with my birthparents and some of my siblings, so take it with a grain of salt.Legally, birthparents can search after a child is 18- and as long as they have that right some will do so. Many birthparents will search- as they feel they have a right to know the child they created. Many adoptees will search as well- as they feel they have a right to know the people who created them. Adoption is about the children, not the adults involved, adoptive or birth or whatever. Children have a right to search, and if you simply cannot deal with that possibility, you should consider carefully how to proceed. You seem to be interested in adoption an orphan, whose parents are both deceased. If that's what you want- go for it!

Hi AmandaThank you for that perspective...coming from someone who is an adoptee it holds a lot of weight for me.And really it is true that at 46 I know who I am completely and what I can deal with and what I cannot. I know for sure that if I adopt, I will pour my heart and soul into my new family and absolutely would resent a birthparent taking the 'icing on the cake' so to speak after my family has provided the opportunities and resources and love for my adopted child to have the best chance at flourishing in a hard world. And it is all about the child--and if someone chooses to give their child up for adoption-then that should be it. It is selfish for the birthparent to interject into the family because they have 'always wondered' and now have resources and want their cake and to eat it too. Now that said--that is about the birthparents.I would not have any control of my adopted child's desires to want to search....and although I know it would be heartbreaking for me....it would be up to them to pursue or not. I will always feel that way and when I see what the adopted parents have to go through when their child wants to find birthparents, I cry. They have no choice as they love their child. But really, to me, it is so unfair to them. You sound as if you have been sensitive to that as much as you could and you cannot help how you feel anymore than I can help how I feel. That is why I am leaning so heavily to 'saving' an abandoned child versus here is the US....when I start a family, I dont want to have to share my family later with birthparents that should have just moved on. Now, if the adoptee family turned out to be lousy parents and life was not the 'utopia' I wish to paint for MY family, then perhaps the grass is greener on the other side.I am not adopted so I cannot speak from your perspective, but I respect it completely. I can only imagine that my curiosity would drive me to look birthparents up too....but I wouldnt expect my adopted parents to have to share me or incorporate these Bparents into my life...it wouldnt be fair...not one bit.Thank You again for your insight. It is helping me to make my mind up further so that I do what is right for me and dont put a child in a situation that would be creating resentment later.Lucy

I actually have no issue with showing a child his/her roots (country, culture etc), but yes I do find it absolutely selfish on the part of the birth parent to seek solace and cause interference in the life and family of the child and their real family. Part of the consequence of giving up a child is to 'give up the child'. Sure I am sure they will always wonder--as would I---but the need to act on that urge is 1000% all selfish and cruel. I've met some of them. I do think it is disgusting and I make no apologies...it cause great pain for parents of an adopted child....and it is not warranted. Bparents cannot have it both ways...well apparently they can in the US. I guess it is just not for me. When I adopt, that child will become my child in my heart and in my soul....and it would break my heart to have my child then want to reunite with the people that brought them into the world irresponsibly only to them give them up for adoption--at that point they have no rights.On the other hand, the child is a different story. The child is the victim and the lucky one all at the same time when adopted by a good family. The victim part of the child's experience in being brought into the world irresponsibly, then given up--I think they have that right to look. I just dont think the child should expect their family to be happy about it or to have to fit these bparents into their lives in any way...unless they welcome it. Obviously I wouldn't be one of those people that would welcome bparents interfering later in life.I think that because I know now it will be a natural urge that my adopted child would want to find their bioroots in a non orphaned situation---that I am more sure than before that if I adopt-I need to adopt an orphan. I salute the parents of adopted children that gracefully deal with the bparent intrusion later in their childs life. I salute you.Kim

Hi Lucychast, I guess where we part ways is that I don't view my son as a victim or lucky in his adoption. In his particular case he was relinquished by a very bright and capable and loving young woman who happened to be in high school. She chose adoption and she chose my husband and me to raise her child and be his parents. I absolutely agree with your right to believe as you believe and I don't want to "fight it out" on the boards. I respect your beliefs. but as an adoptive mom in an open adoption I guess I feel personally hurt (my feelings and my responsibility--not yours!) to know that other might see my son's adoption in such a different way than I do. For us, our ongoing realtionship means that we don't have to worry about a future reunion or disruption. And since she (bmom) respects our boundaries there is no question who his parents are (it's me and my husband!). once again, this is how it works for us, and I understand that does not mean it is right for you. But there is no question that my son is my son heart and soul and there is nothing I would not do for him...including allowing his access to his birthfamily if he wants. Because it is about HIM and not about me and what I want. I guess the word that popped out at me was "disgusting" because it is a very emotional word that evokes an image of utter disdain for the person deemed disgusting. And since my son got his life and his DNA (not to mention his adorable dimples and green eyes!) from his birthmom, I feel very protective when someone suggests that she may be disgusting. My heart breaks when I see orphaned children and if you feel called adopt an orphan I know he or she will have a devoted mom. I truly wish you the very best and hope that your child finds you soon. And I promise, I will not debate you anymore! :)

We actually don't allow members to call other members of the triad names. So if you feel bmoms are disgusting, and selfish, you'll want to keep that to yourself because it's not allowed here. We are a site that caters to ALL members of the triad and respect is absolutely a must on here. Now, if you want to have a discussion regarding the "having your cake and eat it too" theory, by all means, feel free to have that discussion. We are always open to frank and honest discussions but they must be done respectfully and without calling an entire group of people names or generalizing. Since you really don't have any adoption experience personally, it's a very fine line you walk judging thousands of women you know absolutely nothing about, nor about their situations or the relationships they have with their birth children and the aparents. Meeting "some" does not speak for all. Tread carefully so that you are discussing the process and your feelings, but not cutting down others.

And it is all about the child--and if someone chooses to give their child up for adoption-then that should be it. It is selfish for the birthparent to interject into the family because they have 'always wondered' and now have resources and want their cake and to eat it too.

Reasons for relinquishment are very often very complicated- as are the emotions. With that in mind, parents who chose to make an adoption plan for their child, for whatever reason, and then years later put that child in a difficult situation by requesting a reunion- are perhaps motivated by reasons that could be considered selfish. Perhaps they've had some time to reorganize their lives, priorities, and academics. I don't think we should condemn birthparents on the whole as being "selfish" because they feel the need to see the outcome of a choice they made years ago. That being said- a choice is a choice- and they should never be made without considering the consequences, short term AND long term- and I do not think birthparents should enter back into their child's life uninvited.

The "have their cake and eat it too" argument is tricky. Personally, there was a time in my life where I would not have wanted a reunion, and other times where it would have been easier if I hadn't had one. If my birthparents had contacted me during those times- I know my privacy would have felt violated. Though the adults in my life were the ones to decide my adoption- it is just that- MY adoption- and I strongly believe that at a certain point I should have a say in it.

I would not have any control of my adopted child's desires to want to search....and although I know it would be heartbreaking for me....it would be up to them to pursue or not.

Why would it be heartbreaking for you? My own parents never had any issues- if they did they hadn't and still have not discussed it with me. They tell me that they are secure in their place in my life- and that if searching provides me with some peace, satisfies some curiousity, or give some some answers- they are supportive. My wanting to know my birthfamily had NOTHING to do with my adoptive family. They are my family and that's that. I wanted the biological information for many reasons- but wanting to replace my adoptive family was not one of them. Not even close. Keep that in mind, maybe.

When I start a family, I don't want to have to share my family later with birthparents that should have just moved on. I just dont think the child should expect their family to be happy about it or to have to fit these bparents into their lives in any way...unless they welcome it. Obviously I wouldn't be one of those people that would welcome bparents interfering later in life.

I think expecting birthparents, regardless of their circumstances, to simply "move on" is a bit harsh and certainly unrealistic. That being said- I too believe that adoptees should be on the one to initiate a reunion. I also believe that adoptive parents should respect that potential desire. A child that is orphaned, internationally or domestiaclly, may very well have siblings that they might want to reconnect with. They most likely have grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. Would you be opposed to your child knowing them as well?Attempting to ignore a biological family, or the fact that your child has a biological family, in my opinion will most likely lead to disaster. Adopting a child is not exactly the same as giving birth to one. The child has a history that you are not a part of- and as much as that may sting, it has to be acknowledged. I know that I feel sad that my parents missed out on a few months of my life- that we do not share DNA. Simply ignoring that fact does not make it untrue.

I agree with you that adoptees should be the ones to initiate a reunion, if they should want to do so. I do not believe that birthparents should contact an adoptee, through a mediator or otherwise- I know that I personally would not have liked it. I don't think it's fair. However, that is an issue for the individual adoptee to work through- and I think parents owe it to be on board with whatever is decided. They don't have to know the birthfamily- in fact I have an aunt&uncle who adopted children who 20 years later outright refused to meet her son's birthmother- but they allowed their son the freedom to do so if he pleased. That is every adoptee's right, in my opinion.

You should know that the overwhelming majority of kids in children's homes in foreign countries are NOT orphans. They have living parents. I am currently living in the former USSR. Of the 285 kids in the orphanage I've worked in, 283 of them have at least one living parent. I believe that the situation is similar in all of the Eastern Bloc countries, Latin America, and Africa. Can I suggest you read a terrific book about adoption as you prepare to become a parent? It's called "Family of Adoption," by Joyce Maguire Pavao. You can get it on Amazon. I think it will give you a lot of insight into how adopted kids feel and how the family dynamics of adoptive families work.

Please actually read my first post #11 as you are incorrect about what I said.I never once called a bparent disgusting, I said I thought 'it' was disgusting-the situation, the emotions etc.If I wanted to call bparents disgusting, trust, I would have said that. I dont think people are disgusting....people's decisions and their irresponsibility's in life --yes!

Different strokes for different folks for sure and it's all fine of course--because you obviously went in with eyes wide open and you seem very secure in your situation. That is what I am striving for...to go into whatever situation I choose with eyes wide open, understanding the magnitude of the present, and the future possibilities so that my family is somewhat prepared for what might be expected of them when or if our child pursue's bparents or vica versa. Open debate was not what I posted for, but I can see how message boards invite it. They are also places where people can post how they feel and hear from others that may or may not agree. Your reasons for being here may be different than mine and thats ok too. Just because you or anyone have an opposing viewpoint doesnt mean you have to debate anything....just sharing feelings doesnt mean you are debating a person. Thanks

Well, it seems like you have all the answers so, best of luck to you.:)

When I searched, it was understood that there would contact only if my child was searching as well. He was. It was good for each of us to know the other wanted contact. I would never have approached him otherwise! And in fact, an intermediary did so for both of us. Even now, whatever I feel, what he feels (or doesn't) comes first. It's stirred up all sorts of things, but we will go carefully. How can anyone assume what any of us want?!

I absolutely agree with your right to believe as you believe and I don't want to "fight it out" on the boards. I respect your beliefs. but as an adoptive mom in an open adoption I guess I feel personally hurt (my feelings and my responsibility--not [URL=http://www.enjoygoodtimes.com]toronto asian escort[/URL] yours!) to know that other might see my son's adoption in such a different way than I do. For us, our ongoing realtionship [URL=http://www.enjoygoodtimes.com]toronto escort[/URL] means that we don't have to worry about a future reunion or disruption. And since she (bmom) respects our boundaries there is no question who his parents are (it's me and my husband!). once again, this is how it works for us, and I [URL=http://www.enjoygoodtimes.com]toronto asian escorts[/URL] understand [URL=http://www.enjoygoodtimes.com]toronto escorts[/URL] that does not mean it is right for you. But there is no question that my son is my son heart and soul and there is nothing I would not do for him...including allowing his access to his birthfamily if he wants. Because it is about HIM and not about me and what I want.

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