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I value all of your insight on here, you've been great with support for my own situation, now I'm asking for advice for me on my friends situation. There are three of us who have grown up together. One of us called yesterday to tell us that she is pregnant. She is in the middle of a divorce which is not finalized yet, and has two kids from that marriage, only one of them is with her and seeking custody of. The other one is with his father, her soon to be ex. (Long story with that!) The father of this child is a man who she has been seeing for six weeks. According to her, they have been having unprotected sex from the start. This pregnancy is the culmination of a lot of questionable and selfish behavior that she has indulged in since she left her husband last year. We have tried to remain supportive, but it's getting increasingly difficult. Some of the things she has come out and said and done are reminiscent of our teenage years, we are now in our early to mid 30s. She does not feel she needs therapy, and has only been to counseling in the past so that the therapist would document her accounts of her husbands behavior in court. Her actions are now affecting too many people. She is talking of terminating the pregnancy because "it's not the right time for a child", although I could see the situation changing on another of her whims.I don't judge her for making that decision, it's hers to make. The problem is that she is looking for my other friend and I for moral support, and we are having a hard time even talking to her. Both of us have had to deal with unplanned pregnancies as teenagers. I don't want to be judgemental, but I find it hard not to. Does that make me a hypocrite? Her behavior has angered us, and despite the fact that we both have been in her shoes as teenagers, we can't seem to be able to put ourselves in her shoes to be sympathetic. Does anyone have any advice on how we can be supportive of her?
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[FONT=Comic Sans MS]When did judgemental take on such a negative twist? Why is everyone hung up on the word 'judging'? All it means is having an opinion and not been blind to the doings of others. There is nothing wrong with judging someone's behaviour. It is how we determine what is right and what is wrong. If you're praising someone who are passing judgement as well, but there's nothing wrong with that, right? What's the difference?[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Your flighty friend has made some really foolish choices and you have every right to have an opinion about it. Do don't need to stand by giving her hugs and forced sympathy. She messed up and doesn't seem to 'get' that. There comes a time in some friendships when the differences become too much to sustain a relationship. If she was the new girl at work would you likely befriend her? What's acceptable or excusable at 15 isn't so much so at 34.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Just food for thought.[/FONT]
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((((Browneyes)))) I don't think you are a hypocrite, you know these are decisions we have made and we have to live with. I wish I knew what to say to help you. If she is not willing to see the reality of her situation then there is nothing you and your other friend can do. Is this friendship one-sided?
evildishrag
[FONT=Comic Sans MS] There comes a time in some friendships when the differences become too much to sustain a relationship. If she was the new girl at work would you likely befriend her? What's acceptable or excusable at 15 isn't so much so at 34.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Just food for thought.[/FONT]
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taramaryn: I agree with your advice, it was how I was planning on handling it, but with this girl it is very black and white, either you agree and are supportive or you arent and that's that. I don't agree with her behavior and I'm pretty adamant about it, but it will fall on deaf ears anyway. I'm just trying to find my "game face", but it seems phony, KWIM? Roni: You and I have spoken about this friend before. Maybe I feel guilty for not wanting to be there for her in light of the circumstances. DC Mom: What you said was interesting, but I don't know what you mean. Can you elaborate? Thanks guys! (((HUGS)))
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Sounds like this friendship has run its course.[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Edited to add: There sometimes comes a point where the differences outweigh the history. Her talking behind your back, you and your phony game face...true friendships aren't supposed to be like that.[/FONT]
she was too wrapped up in her own drama and had said some things to other friends that got back to me
browneyes0707
taramaryn:
I agree with your advice, it was how I was planning on handling it, but with this girl it is very black and white, either you agree and are supportive or you arent and that's that. I don't agree with her behavior and I'm pretty adamant about it, but it will fall on deaf ears anyway. I'm just trying to find my "game face", but it seems phony, KWIM?
Sounds like she wants you and your other friend to condone things for her. Maybe just tell her what she is going through is something very private and personal. You wouldn't want someone to make the decision for you, and you don't want it to be perceived you are making a decision for her. Let the friendship play it's course. It will likely fizzle more and more. Personally, I'd like to think I would not get into that situation in the first place once I had a couple kids, but I could not imagine placing a child after I had his/her brothers and sisters at home. I would totally have to think about an abortion. JUST MY OPINION. Good luck to you with your friend. :hippie:
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Joshsmom: I think she is trying to have us condone her behavior, and that is something that is hard for us to do. I don't take issue with her decision in regards to what her choice is. I have often wondered since I placed what I would do if I became pregnant unexpectedly, but I am in a different point in my life as she is and my decision would be different. I don't judge her for not deciding to place the child for adoption, I know if she decided to carry the child she would opt to parent, and that is her choice, I know not everyone feels adoption is right for them. I guess I do have issue with how she got pregnant I know we are all human and have lapses in judgement but since she had brought up the fact that she does not take precautions and acknowleges the risks form day one, it's just one example of the type of dangerous behavior she is exhibiting. I guess I was just wondering if there was anyone who found themselves unexpectedly pregnant and had to make a choice later in life, or had found themselves pregnant in the midst of self destructive behavior that could offer some kind of insight to keep me from doing this :grr: :grr: :grr: for the next few weeks! This friend is also linked through a group of us that hang out often. Even though I do distance myself (and my fiance is constantly befuddled by her!) I doubt she'll just fade away, as 20 years is a long time. But for those of you who suggested this may be the end of a "true" friendship I do know you are right on many levels!! Thanks for your replys!
((((HUGS))))I'm not familiar with the story, but I agree with most of the advice you have been given. It is one thing to be a friend and another to condone when someone is behaving in a manner that we just cannot be supportive of. I think that you should tell her that you love her and wish her the best, but that you cannot support the damaging lifestyle she has chosen to live. If she has said hurtful things about you, behind your back, then is she truly your friend? Just because we have been around someone and considered them a "friend", does not always mean that they in turn honor that "friendship" as you do. I'm sorry that you have this turmoil to deal with on the cuff of what should be a happy time in your life. I'm here if you need me...
Browneyes - your friend reminds me of other women I have known who go through a divorce and then seem to go through a second adolescence. You might warn her that many women who have abortions live to regret them. Does she say why she's having unprotected sex? (Pregnant is not all she may get!) At this point you can say what you think or not; as noted earlier, this sounds like a close friendship which will no longer be close, no matter what.
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Wow, we must have the same friends! I have a friend just like this.The only thing I've been able to do is sort of drift away when she's being insane. I just can't watch her making her life into a trainwreck any more, especially not now that it involves her two kids. During those interludes when she's back on track, I just sort of drift back.You can only do what you can do. And supporting somebody else who is making a hash of things, especially when it's emotionally costly to you, is more than you can do.