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We had a visit w/ H's bdad last night. I wish I liked him, but I don't. I wish I enjoyed these visits, but I dread them. H is too little now, but eventually he will sense this. I want to try to readjust my attitude about it before that happens. H looks almost exactly like bdad, which I think only underscores that this man is part of him, so I must find some ways to overcome my reluctance to be around him. Bdad is 21. He and all 3 of his siblings dropped out of high school. He cannot hold any job for more than 2 or 3 weeks. He claims to have fathered several children for whom he takes no responsibility. He seems unable to utter a true statement----even lies about things that don't matter at all. Each time we see him, there is some new family drama unfolding---someone has beaten someone else up, broken into someone's house, gotten pregnant, stabbed someone with an icepick (I mean, come on----who even HAS an icepick any more?!) Visits are like being plopped down in the middle of a Jerry Springer episode. I wish all of this could be chalked up to immaturity, but what I'm seeing so far is a pattern that seems likely to worsen as he gets older. I feel like a complete wacko, trying to carry on a cheerful conversation about H's progress, or something that is going well in bdad's life (apparently nothing is, and that's everyone else's fault.) No topic of conversation is safe---even H. I simply don't know how to cope with him. Those with older kids in an open relationship, has your relationship changed with a bparent's maturity? I understand that everyone's different----I think I just need some stories of how others have coped with difficulties like this.
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HBV, DD is only 20 months so I have a limited "window" re how things change.....I just wanted to give you support. I can say that I know when DD was placed, I think i expected her birth parents to use it as a sort of "opportunity" to "find themselves," find better jobs, etc. I realize now that it's like a "marriage" -- you can't necessarily expect your spouse to change, etc. I know, e.g., however, that DD's birth parents are likely to be doing different things, be more mature, etc. as they age. It sounds as if birth dad may have some "issues" that may prevent that....It's a bummer, but it sounds to me like you are trying to have the best relationship you can right now with him Hang in there -- I don't know if things get "easier," but I know (and you know) you are doing the best for yoru kiddo!
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Loveajax, you are right, I know. I can't expect him to change---I am just worried about how to stay positive (for H's sake) about this person that looks SO much like my son but behaves in a way I just can't condone. Children pick up on so much, even at a young age. Thanks for the support.
obviously it's a very personal choice, but i don't necessarily think that you are the one who needs an attitude adjustment. we all assume that contact with a birth parent is beneficial, but that is not always the case. I think i would have serious concerns about having my child be around someone with those traits. hang in there. i will tell you that although i was not adopted my parents split at a young age and my mother was good about keeping some contact with my father who was a real idiot. Part of me is glad that i got to know that for myself but i never longed to be around him and he was not an important part of my life at all. and there are parts of me that look just like him
HBV,
I have a very similar situation with my adopted girls' bfather. He too is 21, extremely immature, has not worked at all in the time I've known him, the family/friends drama never ends, etc. I cannot stand to be around him either and do not believe he is a good influence on my girls. Our adoption was completed in 11/06 and he has not seen them since. He calls repeatedly and wants to see them, but right now it is not in their best interest. They too are young (2 and almost 3) and pick up on a lot. Like you, I stuggle with not wanting them to hear or sense the negativity towards bfather but at the same time I really cannot stand to be around him. I too hope he will mature with age and would appreciate hearing about how other adopted families have dealt with birth parents.
We have a very open adoption. At first while the birthparents were together we had lots of contact but as time passes I find it to be less and less. We still have contact with the birthmom and her family but the birthfather has not contacted us in over 3 years. I feel sorry for him because he is missing out on so much. But I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with this situation and I respect his wishes. I continue to send him cards and pictures and my door is always open to him.
Hope this helps.
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Just remember that you adopted the child, not the parents. Don't let the fact that he is the bfather hold you hostage to something that may not be in your child's best interest. In a few years he may be a positive influence to have around, but right now he isn't. If it were me, I would limit contact until he has time to grow the heck up. The adoption is not about him, it's about the child, his needs come second, acutally third (after yours):)
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Our daughter's birth mom decided to close our open adoption when our daughter was 8 years old. She is now 10. Prior to this, we had visits at least twice per year and I forwarded updates and photos regularly. She no longer visits, and this year, did not call or send a card or gift for her birthday. Anyone have experience with this? I'm concerned that our daughter is grieving this loss, but is not expressing it. She's EXTREMELY verbal and in touch with her emotions, (you'd think she was 30!), but no longer makes any reference to her birth family.[/FONT]
rykyki, that is my biggest fear (and it is somewhat "real" because DD's birth parents are not "open" with their DD or their families about the pg/birth/adoption and I worry that they may not want to visit anymore due to fears of "spilling the beans.") what happened? have you heard from DD's birth mom? i'm sorry.....