What is the best way to support a birthmother?

Well, the first way to support her is to refer to her as an expectant/new mother, not a birth mother. She is not a birth mother until she signs that TPR. So during her labor, delivery and subsequent hospital stay, you should treat her like you would treat any other mother. That said, I was told by my agency not to breastfeed and it is one of my biggest regrets.

Treat her the way you would treat any expectant mother during the labor and delivery. As for post partum, acknowledge her grief. Ask to see pictures of the baby, etc.

I'm a birthmom and I just have one piece of advice and it comes from the heart. If she decides to relinquish please, please, please do not ask her if it's really what she wants to do. She will do a lot of work and soul searching to reach a decision. The last thing she needs is someone to make her second guess herself. The night that I gave birth a nurse asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with adoption. I was really offended. Just be sensitive to her needs and like the 2 women before me said, treat her like any other expectant mom.

My sons birthmom breastfed him while they were in the hospital, sometimes while I was in the room. It was the most beutifull(sorry about the spelling) thing that I could have imagined and it was also one of the least undrestood by the staff. She choose to have me in the room during the delivery and wanted the staff to know about her intentions but the social worker tried to convince her not to breastfeed, I am glad she did because she still says that it was very important to her.

I was tragically mistaken. I delivered a beautiful little girl into the arms of her adopted parents at their home to be nursed by the adoptive mother. I pumped milk to supplement her supply. I thought all this would ensure safe passage for her transition and I could go on in peace. If my Doula, friend, midwife, stranger off the street, ANYONE had told me that there was absolutely no replacement for me and my daughter would be scarred for life struggling with trust issues, rage, and an encompassing sense that she was not wanted, welcome, or safe, I would have never let her go to anyone. I thought I was giving this couple a flawless beginning with their new baby. I had no IDEA that shattering my bond with my baby was only giving them an angry, scared, high needs child that they would forever struggle to connect with and understand. Blinded by fear, doubt, and misinformation, any shred of that TRUTH would have been the only support I would have ever needed. Adoption certainly has it's place, however with all the pressure, coersion, and personal doubt weighing on a new mom, I believe birthing professionals have an opportunity to empower them to make an informed decision.

MotheringBliss,I am really curious as to why you feel your birth daughter has these feelings? You state that your daughter "would be scarred for life struggling with trust issues, rage, and an encompassing sense that she was not wanted, welcome, or safe" and that you were "giving them an angry, scared, high needs child that they would forever struggle to connect with and understand" Are you in an open adoption with her adoptive parents to know these thing? If not then I am slightly offended that you feel that your daughter will or is this way. I am an adoptee who loves BOTH my adoptive and birth family very much. I was never "scarred for life" nor have I ever struggled with any of the issues you listed. I am not angry, scared, nor was I a high needs child. Even though my b-mom refuses to speak with me, I still love and respect her. I also am thankful everyday that she made the choice to place me for adoption. I have wonderful a-parents who I love dearly. Not all adoptees have those feeling or issues that you described and I hope that if you do meet your daughter that you do not bring the anger you have with you to the reunion. She may of had a wonderful life and love her a-parents very much. IMO, if you carry that anger with you she may resent you for it.

Yes, I'm in an "open adoption" and have regular conversations with the adoptive mother whom I consider a confidante on all subjects excluding adoption. I receive many photos, letters, and updates detailing their activities and challenges. However, as has been experienced by so many others, they did not hold to their agreements and have censored information presented to her about me and have not permitted her to recieve gifts or letters from me other than the album I made for her before her birth. As an infant they described my daughter's chronic despondency and their struggle to meet her needs. As a toddler I visited them, noted their haggard, weary appearance and watched them try to satisfy her ravenous appetite with a constant buffet of the highest quality foods money can buy. I've since learned the extreme hunger is common with adopted children trying to fill the nurturing void that would have been filled by the love of their mother. She would scream from her chair everytime they walked by (I could hear her through the phone) wanting to be held constantly and never satisfied when she was. During a phone conversation, the adoptive mother asked me if there was anything I was aware of that might cause her to pull her hair out! I was also told that when around other, children she would bite them, their solution was to put her with other "biters". When I spoke with moms who had children that bit others, they explained it seemed to be a need for personal space and the biting was a desparate, primal expression of that. I felt intrusive trying to help them troubleshoot her behavior so I've kept silent not wanting to hurt them because of my ignorance regarding bonding and adoption and fearful of them cutting off contact since there is nothing enforceable in terms of their agreements with me. As a pre-adolescent they tell me that my daughter has cut off her hair and wants to be a boy. Her adoptive mother describes herself as being the "limit setter" and expressed relief when she was able to get my daughter to cooperate and comply. I'm filled with sorrow for my daughter's lost identity and not having a healthy bond with her adoptive mother, wanting to be somebody else. I understand that my daughter has no wish to ever be a natural mother and feels that if she wants children she would choose to adopt. Again, more sorrow that she rejects her own femininity and wants nothing to do with bonding to a child of her own. She has been led to believe that she should be grateful that her "birthmother" chose a better life for her and that the adoption was such a special gift to them. Her pain continues to be denied, invalidated, and glossed over by her adoptive parents while they continue to claim that she has suffered no ill effects from my decision. Feel free to debate any of these points if you wish, but the bottom line to me is that she does not seem happy, well adjusted, or emotionally strengthened by the situation with a remarkable couple who does the best they know how for her. My daughter's advice to people in conflict is simply "Forget the past". To me that view reflects her own wish and unfortunately it's pretty tough to fully live until you've embraced your past. When they allow my daughter to finally meet me rest assured that, in due time, she will know how very angry I am at myself for not having the courage to trust that I have always had the strength within me to be a loving mother to her and how sorrowful I am that no one was willing to help me see through the doubt and fear overwhelming me. Only in healing myself can I be of any useful reference to her. She was the only one without a choice in the matter and I will do my best to support and embrace everything she is willing and able to share with me. As her mother, I believe the least I can do is be as honest and transparent with her as possible so as to not add any futher barriers between her healing and mine. I have no intentions of doing or saying anything that would hurt her view of her adoptive parents. They have both done what they could for her with the best of intentions. The ultimate responsibility of any issue surrounding this adoption is mine. I know that she loves her adoptive parents deeply and to undermine that in anyway would result in further heart shattering damage. Sniffles, I wish you could lend my daughter some of your strength and help her transcend, accept, and be at peace with herself. I only ever wanted her to be a happy, fulfilled, deeply loved, empowered woman. As you can see, I'm trying to come to terms with that failure. It's been very therapeutic for me to process these feelings, observations, and long withheld tears in a place that understands the difficulties faced by everyone involved with adoption loss. With Gratitude

Hi doula. Most of the midwives at the hospital were great... I was there for a few days and they didn't make a huge issue of it, just treated me as any other mother mostly. However, they did let me know they were they to chat if I needed to, and were generally very sympathetic... but I was greatful for having the chance to just be a normal mum to him for those four days. I tried to breastfeed at first, but we had a hard time of it so switched to formula when he wasn't getting enough to eat. One midwife made me feel a bit inadequate for not being able to feed my son, and also that she thought formula would be a good idea because she thought it would be "easier" for me... which upset me quite a bit. So I guess take your cues from her, and don't assume that she will feel a certain way... those are the main points for me :)

Doula,

I am going to contradict the advice given by EmorysMamma. No matter how much thought an expectant mother has given to relinquishing her child for adoption, that decision MUST be remade after the child is born. It is important that the atmosphere during and after birth of the child is an atmosphere that supports this woman being a mother to her child, and the focus should be on her being a mother to this child - not any potential adoptive parents waiting in the wings. I think it is beneficial for people to be open and sensitive to the mother changing her placement decision.

When I was in the hospital with my son, a nurse walked in on me when I was holding my son. I was taking off his jumper, because I wanted to see his feet. I was bonding to him, and that nurse recognized that and panicked. She snatched him away from me, told me it was time for him to go to the nursery, and took him away. As she left, she told me over her shoulder that "You will be back here in no time," implying that I would get pregnant again quickly and have another child to comfort me. It was the last time I saw my son for 19 years, and I never conceived another child. That woman saw me bonding with my child, and she took him away from me.

This woman is a mother. She is NOT a birthmother. This woman she be treated as a mother, and she should be supported in her motherhood.

Doula,I hope that you can encourage this BirthMom to nurse the child while she can. I hope that our BirthMom had the opportunity to do it for my daughter. I have no idea if she did, but I deeply hope that she was able to!

I'm new to this whole birthmother thing,placed twin boys for adoption 3 weeks ago, i had decieded before i got pregnant to place my child for adoption. i knew giving another women the gift of life is the greatest gift. i have had 4 children of my own, and my husband was very supportive of our decesion to place the twins for adoption. i knew in my heart that i was making the right decision, but when it came time to surrender my rights it was the hardest thing for me to do. all i can say is dont pressure the mother to be into a decision she doesnt or is not ready to want to make. As for breastfeeding the newborn, the adoptive mother had ask me to express milk for them but due to them being born 7 weeks early they where sent to a hospital with an icu unit. where the adoptive mother made the decision to have them bottlefed since they where not able to eating on thier own at first. i wish i could of breastfed them to give them that little bit of nurishment that is only found in breast milk. i pray that they are healthy and cant wait to be reunited with them.

I agree that you should treat your expecting mother like any other mother. The special bond that I shared with my son during those 9 months was beautiful. It was all I had with him, those 9 months and 3 days in the hospital. I had wonderful midwives who treated me like anyone else, but did offer a listening hear if I was ever feeling I needed to talk. I think it is important that you ask your expecting mother about her decision again after she has given birth, but not straight away. It's important that she is givin that option so that she doesn't feel like she was forced to make that decision because she didn't want to disapoint anyone. Keep things positive and light. And be there for her when she will need you the most......after she places her baby. She will need to talk about the labour like any new mother, she will need to talk about her baby. Call her often and make sure she is able to express her feelings and grief. Make sure she doesn't make any huge changes in her life after placing her baby because that can prolong the grieving period. For some stupid reason my mother and I moved to London, England from Pittsburgh one month after I gave birth. I am still struggling with my grief and it's a huge part of my life. I am only seeking help now because I am finally coming to terms with it all and reading books. There is a great handbook for Teenage moms who are thinking about adoption. Look on Amazon for the author Patricia Roles. She is very matter of fact, but sympathetic because she is a birth mother herself. Good Luck!