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I am 23 years old and I have a sister who was put up for adoption. She will be 18 in coming days. I cannot remember my mother being pregnant. It was never explained to me. My mom stayed behind to have the baby (in kansas) and I went with my grandparents to California. My mom and aunt met us there after everything was finalized. As far as I can remember I have always seen pictures and read letters from the Adoptive family of my sister. My mom got them about three times a year. This is what they had agreed to. She was always referred to as my sister. Other then her I am an only child. Being an only child I had always wanted a sister. People would ask do you have a sister or brother? My mom told me to just say no because it was to complicated. Now I tell everyone yes. My mom and I wrote the letters together as I got older and picked out pictures to send. We always sent her a birthday and christmas gift. I was involved with my mom. I was raised with no father. So as I got older and had more questions about the whole adoption thing I find my mom and my grandparents and aunt have different storys about why my sister was put up for adoption. We we're living with my grandparents and my mom always told me that was why and that she made very little money. Basically she couldnt afford another baby. While all around me my aunts we're having children. One even lived with us with two kids and one on the way my grandpa never told her you have to give it up you can't afford it. My grandma tells me no they did not make my mom give her away. They just told her it will be tough you will have to get a better job. I will say my sister has had a better life then me. So for that I am happy for her. So when my sister was about 14 my mom lost contact with the agency. They went under. So like two years goes by with no contact from my sisters adoptive family. So finally I pick up the telephone book and find this place and give them my moms info and I say please call her. My mom got back in contact with the family and they sent a letter my mom sent one saying the loss of contact was because of this. Also I was around 20 at the time so she would of been 16. I asked if it was ok if I could write a letter to her - as sisters. The family said no we dont feel she is mature enough to handle this chapter in her life at this moment. Lets not press the issue anymore. Now up until this the family was I mean the best. If I was ever in the situation where I had to give a child up this would be the family I would want my child to go to. They always sent tons of pics and three page letters. My sister had her own horse by six. Of course the new car at 16. My mom picked a great family and I am happy for my sister.
So now she is coming up on her 18th birthday. So I ended up finding her on myspace. They live within 40 min of us. I added her to my myspace. Well she deleted the account. The next day my mom had the agency calling her saying the parents said she had me try to contact her and it "upset" her. So my mom said "Sorry, she wasnt trying to be intrusive just was curious about her sister and her being so close to 18. They said well she is very "sensitive" about being adopted". We had sent a christmas card so they said we showed her the card and pictures and she said she didnt care to send any back. and they basically said at this time she shows no interest in knowing of any birth family. They feel with some maturity on her part they will come to a decision later on down the road. Well what happens now? I have been looking at my sister grow up for the past 18 years and now that shes 18 and dosen't care to have any thing to do with us (at this point) do we stop getting pictures?
All I want to do is talk. I'm not asking to make her visit with me. I just don't understand, How could someone not want to talk to their birth sibling. I mean she does have two brothers in the adoptive family but no sisters. Its like I was raised counting down the years with my family. Now I just have to put everything in the air. I can understand if shes not ready. I know being adopted brings a lot of emotions. Although I thought maybe at almost 18 she could of at least told me but I guess not.
Can someone from her point of view tell me their feelings on this? I am really lost and hurt.
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Well, a lot of adoptive parents can feel threatened by the birth family. It creates a whole other family circle and can bring on a whole other dynamic. Perhaps your adoptive sister's family just wants to go through life w/o the intrusion. As my grandmother has said "who could give away their own baby?" .
I'm adopted and was brought up as an only child, but my non id says I have a sister. Perhaps if there wasn't continual contact from the begining their outlook would be different. Perhaps they want to live their life "free". You are a reminder that their daughter is not "really" biologically "theirs". Some mom's who can't conceive have a hard time with that. (I know my mom has heard that from her own dad before)
It appears my bfamily isn't even looking for me. I'd welcome to know my heritage and medical history and see who I look like. Bmoms who relinquished were told that they could never have contact with their child in the future) I'd like to meet my sister and be her friend. I don't want to intrude on them. Perhaps your sister has that already (knows where her identity comes from) and that satisfies her. Don't take it personally. 18 is still young and there's a lot of time. Remember, if you set something free and it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't it never was.
I do sense that even though you are happy with your sister, you feel rejected in a sense. You also have to deal with the fact that you may have feel slighted by not getting materialistic things like your sister did.
Just remember, giving a child away for adoption is not an easy task and your mother may also feel like a failure. (giving the child away and not being able to spoil you) It's a shame that her parents couldn't have helped her through it so that she could've kept the child. She may harbor some resentment towards her parents also because of having to give a child away.
Remember, your mother loves you and cherish your time together and what you do have.
Best Wishes
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thisisapain
Well, a lot of adoptive parents can feel threatened by the birth family. It creates a whole other family circle and can bring on a whole other dynamic. Perhaps your adoptive sister's family just wants to go through life w/o the intrusion. As my grandmother has said "who could give away their own baby?" .
I highly doubt that to be the case...I could be wrong. They have one biological child adn two adopted. Her being the middle child. Also the youngest is from an open adoption. They have always told her she is adopted she knows. Even people at the agency say how open they are that the read the letters right there in front of her.
I'm adopted and was brought up as an only child, but my non id says I have a sister. Perhaps if there wasn't continual contact from the begining their outlook would be different. Perhaps they want to live their life "free". You are a reminder that their daughter is not "really" biologically "theirs". Some mom's who can't conceive have a hard time with that. (I know my mom has heard that from her own dad before)
yea but like i said i dunno they have their own biological son. They decided to adopt after the had him. I'm not sure if it was for fertility purposes.
It appears my bfamily isn't even looking for me. I'd welcome to know my heritage and medical history and see who I look like. Bmoms who relinquished were told that they could never have contact with their child in the future) I'd like to meet my sister and be her friend. I don't want to intrude on them. Perhaps your sister has that already (knows where her identity comes from) and that satisfies her. Don't take it personally. 18 is still young and there's a lot of time. Remember, if you set something free and it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't it never was.
This is what im hoping. From what they say she isn't "mature" and the agency said most adopted children dont go looking for their own bio parents until they are ready to have children.
I do sense that even though you are happy with your sister, you feel rejected in a sense. You also have to deal with the fact that you may have feel slighted by not getting materialistic things like your sister did.
I hope it didn't come across as that. My mom has always told me she gave her up for a better life. And if that includes a mother and a father and a house then her adopted parents have fulfilled that.
Just remember, giving a child away for adoption is not an easy task and your mother may also feel like a failure. (giving the child away and not being able to spoil you) It's a shame that her parents couldn't have helped her through it so that she could've kept the child. She may harbor some resentment towards her parents also because of having to give a child away.
Remember, your mother loves you and cherish your time together and what you do have.
Best Wishes
Thanks so much for the response! Its always nice to look from someone else's perspective. :flower:
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I know one thing, in a way, that I am happy for . .. I wasn't really curious about my adoption until I started my family. I do think if I had a child that was adopted, it's hard enough taking the time to do homework, let alone having to "answer to" another person regarding their child - and she has two people to correspond with.
I've also always been glad that my adoption was closed (however it would've been nice if my records weren't sealed and at 18 I had the option of meeting her . . ) . The reason I'm glad mine was closed (although your sister's really isn't truly open open from what I gather - you just exchange correspondence) Is because to me, it's like a divorce - two parental units sharing a child - that can be hard on a person emotionally. Especially woman that share physical time with their child - there's the emotional tug of war of who the "real" mother is. . .
When I said " I do sense that even though you are happy with your sister, you feel rejected in a sense.", Isn't that why you are sad re: this - you want a relationship with your sister.
Remember, you are dealing with an 18 yr old. .. that your mother gave up . .. perhaps you can make sure she always knows where you are, and hopefully you have her full name, so that when the time comes, you can start anew - when she's ready. Unfortunately, your relationship has been somewhat predetermined by the fact that she was put up for adoption. . . you can't really "have" your sister if you don't really "have" your sister. . . . I'm not trying to be harsh, but trying to help you with this . . .
Hugs,
How is your mother dealing with your feelings regarding this situation? Perhaps you should seek a counselor alone and/or together to get through this. . You may be digging up feelings that your mother has no control over with the situation.
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thisisapain
I know one thing, in a way, that I am happy for . .. I wasn't really curious about my adoption until I started my family. I do think if I had a child that was adopted, it's hard enough taking the time to do homework, let alone having to "answer to" another person regarding their child - and she has two people to correspond with.
I can see that. Although my mom has always made the impression that it is owed to her "this is what we agreed on" from what im reading that has nothing to do with anything. They can stop that whenever they want.
I've also always been glad that my adoption was closed (however it would've been nice if my records weren't sealed and at 18 I had the option of meeting her . . ) . The reason I'm glad mine was closed (although your sister's really isn't truly open open from what I gather - you just exchange correspondence) Is because to me, it's like a divorce - two parental units sharing a child - that can be hard on a person emotionally. Especially woman that share physical time with their child - there's the emotional tug of war of who the "real" mother is. . .
When I said " I do sense that even though you are happy with your sister, you feel rejected in a sense.", Isn't that why you are sad re: this - you want a relationship with your sister.
I could understand her not wanting anything to do with a woman that gave her up. I dont know if you could even to convince me to if I was ultimatly happy with where I was and she is. I just dont understand why she would want nothing to do with her blood sister. I mean as a friend im not looking for a lets go play in the sandbox type of thing. I mean maybe I'm just not taking her feelings into heart. Although I didnt sign the papers either. (sorry im not venting on you i just have neative feelings towards this whole thing)
Remember, you are dealing with an 18 yr old. .. that your mother gave up . .. perhaps you can make sure she always knows where you are, and hopefully you have her full name, so that when the time comes, you can start anew - when she's ready. Unfortunately, your relationship has been somewhat predetermined by the fact that she was put up for adoption. . . you can't really "have" your sister if you don't really "have" your sister. . . . I'm not trying to be harsh, but trying to help you with this . . .
Hugs,
I know thank's im not taking it to heart. If I have learned one lesson through this that is it. As my mom says they know where to contact me.
How is your mother dealing with your feelings regarding this situation? Perhaps you should seek a counselor alone and/or together to get through this. . You may be digging up feelings that your mother has no control over with the situation.
My mom has never asked me my feelings on the issue and not this time either now that I'm older. Sometimes I just want to scream at her and be like how can you give your child up when you already have one? Although I have been raised with "I did it because I loved her" response. I haven't had to deal with it this in depth. Like I said it was we will meet her when shes 18.
:fish:
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mom2blaizenzaine
My mom has never asked me my feelings on the issue and not this time either now that I'm older. Sometimes I just want to scream at her and be like how can you give your child up when you already have one? Although I have been raised with "I did it because I loved her" response. I haven't had to deal with it this in depth. Like I said it was we will meet her when shes 18.
:fish:
Well, I think it's good you know. I'd have to bet my bsister doesn't. I'd chaulk it up to she's probably spoiled and young and she's not into this stuff now. She's probably dating and partying . . . when she matures, I'd think she'd probably change - unless she's totally selfish.
I'll tell you, you are lucky that you know where she is - it's half the battle. . . maybe there's a good reason things are the way they are . . . when she comes looking in her time, you'll be the one she'll seek asking about your grandparents, your mother, and then that will be YOUR time Yes, life passes by quite quickly . . . perhaps you can keep a journal for your own therapy . . you could also write her a long letter (and keep it), explaining your end of the story and tell about your mom, your grandparents, so when the time comes in her life where she is curious, you can give it to her.
She just isn't ready, her life is fulfilled and she is satisfied . . .just as your mom mentally has to deal with her being adopted out, you'll have to somehow get through that mentally also . . . maybe you should open up to your mom . . . perhaps whatever you hear from her will help you deal with your own feelings . . . maybe she needs you to tell her you love her even though she did that . . . maybe deep down she wonders how you feel about it. . . I'd start with that . .. give her closure with you - remember her parents probably made her feel shameful . .. you not making her feel that way may be something she needs to hear . . .make her breakfast tomorrow and have a day together . ..
Good Luck & Hugs,
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.make her breakfast tomorrow and have a day together . ..
Good Luck & Hugs,[/QUOTE]
LOL like that would happen. I haven't lived with my mom in five years. I'm married with two little ones. Plus I gotta be at work at 7am. Sorry no breakfast for mom! :coffee:
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Well, maybe sometime you really need to have that discussion. . .
Love the coffee icon . .. I think I'm going to go make some.
Enjoy your precious kids! I have 2 girls . .. they are growing so o o o quickly. . .
Take care of yourself!
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One day their a baby...and the next their not....I wish they we're again! LOL at least their quiet well sometimes. Enjoy your coffee =)
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hey there :)
i really recommend that you repost this on the adoptee support or relationships with adoptees board. you'll get more responses from adoptees and maybe get a better feel for what your sister is going through.
my first thought is that she is feeling akward about speaking with you because she feels that it will challenge her role in her a-family....that is totally speculation but its a gut feeling...and many of us adopted people have felt similar feelings in the past.
good luck!
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healingfeeling
hey there :)
i really recommend that you repost this on the adoptee support or relationships with adoptees board. you'll get more responses from adoptees and maybe get a better feel for what your sister is going through.
my first thought is that she is feeling akward about speaking with you because she feels that it will challenge her role in her a-family....that is totally speculation but its a gut feeling...and many of us adopted people have felt similar feelings in the past.
good luck!
thanks i will do that
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